Do I hate my husband

[Dontpullcarlstail]

Do I hate my husband?

For context: 2 DC, one nearly 2 years, 1 3 month old EBF.

I am tired. Bone crushingly tired. I feel physically tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. The baby wakes twice for a feed plus can need resettling and then is up from about 5am although I can get them back to sleep only on me from this time. Rest of time in next to me. Husband works long hours blah blah usual shite. He will take baby downstairs early morning when he’s not got work but then baby doesn’t go back to sleep, gets overtired etc.

He also regularly sleeps in spare room for various reasons.

I’m so tired and miserable. I go to bed early but then resent husband staying up while I have to be in bed around the same time as a toddler and yet I’m still the tired one the next day. He’s merrily snoring away and then gets to be fun energetic parent during the day. Meanwhile mummy is grumpy.

When I say I’m tired during the day he’ll tell me to go and nap. But I don’t find it easy to switch off during the day like that especially when I can hear the dc and know I’ll be needed soon enough (mainly for nursing). Plus what’s 30 minutes during the day once in a week or less going to do really?! It doesn’t feel worth it.

We’ve not had sex at all since baby was born. I can’t think of anything worse. I’d probably enjoy it once we got back into the swing of things but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction (literally) meanwhile I’d be even more tired as I’d be staying up for this!! But this is what is worrying me. I feel I resent him so much and to not want to make him happy… I really must hate him right? :(

I am feeling extremely touched out from two young DC. Eldest is very clingy now which I do understand but it’s hard.

He tries to slide up to me on the sofa, cuddle etc but I know where he thinks it might lead to which puts me off. If I do reciprocate cuddles kisses etc then he wants more and more until I snap and tell him to leave me alone now.

Don’t know what I’m hoping for from this… someone to tell me it’s normal and we’ll get through this I guess. Or some advice.

AIBU to my husband? Do I need to try harder? Will this improve in time?

DH took my kids daily for an hour immediately after he had finished work. So he would walk through the door after work and I would hand all the kids to him and lie in the bath for an hour with my book and ear plugs. More often then not he would take them to our local park or for a walk.

bedtime was a joint effort usually.

we also introduced one late evening bottle which DH did. Apart from this I ebf. This allowed me to have less broken sleep and at weekends I’d sleep in the spare room so he could deal with random night time disturbances.

once my kids were old enough to have yogurt I could leave them with DH a bit more

I have a 5mo old - we've not been intimate either yet and frankly I don't think either of us are feeling up to it so I don't think that's so I unusual! I know a lot of couples the same. When you're ready you're ready, it doesn't mean you hate him it means you have only so much energy and right now it's prioritised elsewhere.

I think you're right to want to continue breastfeeding and bottle-feeding won't be a fix all, but are your physical needs being met with the BFing? You could be feeling more exhausted from post pregnancy low iron (do you take spatone or similar since baby?) You need to make sure you're eating enough and hydrated enough, I BF and find if I'm not on top of that I'm shattered and it's so easy to let it slip. Plus I have to say, the 20-30 minute catnaps do a world of good once you get the hang of them. Also, personally found baby wearing REALLY helpful - frees up both hands so you can do something else than sitting with newborn -maybe with your toddler- but baby can be close to you and sleep like logs in a sling - might even be something DH can do because the movement helps them sleep if nothing else. Most areas have a sling clinic you can go to to get advice on a style and rent one and have a go if you're not sure. Made all the difference for me.

Talk to him op

I don't know if it will get better, OP. It really depends what sort of person your DH is and whether he's prepared to change for good. I bottle fed my baby - who woke every 2 hours for well over 12 months - but my 'D'H at the time (now ex) refused to help. So I did absolutely everything all the time. I begged for help I was so exhausted; he still did nothing. A friend paid for me to visit them overseas for a week and still my ex did nothing. I'd arranged for my mum to look after the baby for 3 days out of the 5; my ex got her to look after him every single day. The fact he did jack shit is the main reason he's now an ex.

So...all you can do is spell out for your DH exactly how exhausted you are and exactly what you want him to do - EVERY DAY, WITHOUT NEEDING YOU TO ASK HIM TO DO IT - to make things better. Be totally selfish. Don't try to anticipate what will be 'reasonable', given your DH's working hours. Just spell out what you need. If that means you need to get extra help (if you can afford it), then so be it. If you can't afford extra help, he will need to step up more.

Can you sleep in the spare room a couple of nights a week and only go into the room with your DH and baby when the baby needs feeding, then DH settles them back to sleep? (Appreciate that still means you're waking up, but maybe you'll get slightly more sleep this way.)

Sounds horrid but normal to me. I've got 2 DC, similar age gap but a few years on. The first year after DC2 was born was really hard on my marriage. I was never in the mood for sex for exactly the same reasons you e described, we slept in different rooms. It was shit. We had no relationship. It felt like a business partnership.

We are 2 years on from the ages you've given and life is so much netter. DC don't sleep through but they sleep at bed time and so DH and I have the evenings together again etc.

Talk to you DH, explain how you're feeling and be patient with each other. I heard some good relationship advice recently which was always assume each other has the best intentions in whatever they're doing. Good luck OP, its a tough few months with 2 littles.

I would switch to bottle, yes it’s a faff a times and can take more time effort, flip side is you can send your partner to go do it while you go back to sleep.

so yes if it’s just replacing your feeds with you doing it no point, the benefit is getting your partner to do it

Speak to your GP @Dontpullcarlstail . Sounds to me you’ve got a form of depression and it makes you resent your DH for irrational things, such as being energetic and sleeping well.

Ah OP I feel for you. It all sounds very normal to me, I had a very similar feeling for a good few months when my youngest was a baby

PPs have made good suggestions for things he can do to support you, one thing I found helpful as money was tight was having my toddler do 3 mornings at nursery rather than a full day. It meant i could collect him, have lunch then he would have a big sleep after an exhausting morning at nursery. The odd time the 2 children managed to sleep at the same time was just incredible. But even if they don't, that 2 hour sleep meant peace from the toddler for quite a large chunk of the day.

I felt like this when we had my DD, EBF as well. So so resentful.

I can relate to this so much op. When my dc were little there were definitely times when I wouldn't have cared if dh had packed his bags and moved out (especially if it would have meant some child free time for me!)

All I can say is that it definitely improved with time and hanging on in there.

@C152 I don't think that's fair on the DH actually. I'm sorry yours was lazy and selfish but I don't think this is actually the case here. To tell her not to consider his working hours, or what's reasonable, just what she needs is a massive double standard. He's a person too and also has needs (not talking about sex). So long as he is pulling his weight where he can, and listening to her re the sex, he's not the villain here and it's not his fault she's ebf. Mine were FF and also perfectly lovely, happy, bonded teens so if introducing a bottle will help the overall picture, maybe that should be part of the solution. Dealing with the bottles really isn't a faff at all once you get a system set up.

Sorry @Dontpullcarlstail this is exactly what I went through (my 2DC are exactly 2 years apart). I was tired, cranky and so emotional to begin with (hormones etc) and I remember feeding my DD in the middle of the night for the 3rd time and looking at my husband and thinking how much I hated him. My MIL would always say DH needed rest as he was the one working (I was on Mat leave).

This won’t last forever - which I know is of little comfort. Is there a nursery you could put 2 year old into / a parent who could look after them for a couple hours a week? My two went into nursery at 3yo and 1yo so I could return to work part time and they loved it.

hoping the situation improves for you 💐

husband is now ill. High temp sore throat etc. told him to sleep in the spare room so he could rest. Hoping if he rests he’ll be better v soon. Both DC have been coughing a bit so really hope they haven’t caught anything.

i was ill with something similar about a month ago and I don’t know if I have fully recovered. It took a very long time to stop feeling unwell but maybe that is contributing to how tired I am.

@VictrolaV i think you are right about looking after myself better while breastfeeding. It’s just the last thought on my mind but yesterday e.g. it got to toddlers lunch time and whilst I’d done breakfast snack filled his cup with water etc I hadn’t eaten anything myself and barely drunk.

I’ve been getting dizzy and light headed a lot so will aim to eat and drink more frequently but think I’ll also get a GP appointment to rule anything out. Husband works shifts and his day off this week is tomorrow so I can hopefully get an on the day appointment and go by myself!

I feel for you. It's really tough.

I absolutely HATED my DH when each of my babies were under 1. Some rational hate that was justified (ie leaving a dirty plate in the living room when I'd been trying to keep on top of house/children etc all day) and some totally irrational hate (being at work 'relaxing' or being asleep at 3am when I wasn't). I spent many days seething and plotting him moving out etc.

It does get better with time, but I had some frank and emotional conversations with him during those periods. He was lovely and supportive and kind and that was how I knew we'd get through it and I didn't actually hate him really.

Seems a bit harsh to be so angry with him because he can't breast feed.

You chose to feed to the point it's now affecting your health and potentially your marriage. Seems stupid to me

Are there some people from formula companies posting here? Breastfeeding is perfectly normal and it's fine to not want to use formula. It has its place but it shouldn't be presented as a universal solution to these sorts of situations.

Starting to wonder this myself!

Fed is best but surely within that it's mum's choice and OP is doing what she thinks is best for her child. There are well-evidenced benefits to breastfeeding and OP has outlined additional financial implications and workload associated with switching to bottle-feeding. It's a not a personal crusade to want to breastfeed, it's a totally normal thing to want to do and there are very valid reasons for choosing it. Some of these 'you chose it so suck it up' comments smack of crabs in a bucket.

OP, you do you, breastfeeding gets easier over time; they feed less frequently and are quicker about it - a couple of months down the line and it'll start feeling quite different. As I said, you'll feel much better making sure you're getting some food down you and plenty to drink too! Stock up on stuff that's quick and easy - I had a basket of snacks and drinks by my fave BFing chair for the early days. Getting a check at the GP as you suggested sounds like a great idea too. Don't feel browbeaten about your choice to BF - if at some point it's no longer right for you, formula is always going to be sitting there on the shelf!

If bf was making me feel exhausted, ill and to irrationally hate my oh, I'd think it was pretty reasonable to think about stopping.

Have you spoken to your parents about how hard you're finding it? Do they work? If this was my DD I would really want her to talk to me about it so I could help more, if possible. Don't give them the impression that all is fine and breezy, I know I did that when my twins were tiny. Didn't want people to think I was finding it hard, I look back now and wish I had asked for more help.

I’ve been here. Things that helped:

Husband sleeps in spare room if he can’t help at night as you’re EBF.
Husband gets up at 5 with baby, you sleep until 7 (or later on weekends) baby then goes back to sleep and you can get up and have breakfast in relative peace. No reason why he can’t do this on a work day sometimes also. Babies at this age don’t need too much of a routine and can have extra naps.
Do you have a double pram? Or use a sling? Husband could take children for a walk at 5am if baby is really tired still and needs to go straight back to sleep. Or if your toddler wakes later just take baby out.

Have naps. They help.

Accept help a bit. It sounds to be like you are being a bit unreasonable as your DH is trying to help and you’re putting up obstacles. He sounds like a decent man and I’m guessing you don’t hate him, you’re just exhausted. Sex can wait. BF kills your libido anyway.

It will get better, just may take quite a while. Good luck.