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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this standard playdate etiquette?

40 replies

Redolent · 22/08/2022 02:26

  • DH gets chatting to an old work friend who he hasn’t spoken to since pre-pandemic, about having a catch up/meet-up. DH suggests getting kids involved and turning it into a ‘playdate’ - we each have 3 yr old sons. Friend agrees.
  • DH invites him round for a couple of hours on the weekend
  • I make vaguely enjoyable solitary plans that involve me taking 6 month old DD out in the pram for a nap and reading a book in a coffee shop - I intend to just say hi then pop out. It sounds good for the dads to just get stuck in tbh:
  • When the time comes mum and dad both turn up. We’re both surprised but of course roll with it (I hastily abort prepared pram).

is it standard procedure for both parents to attend a weekend play date? From DH’s perspective the conversation and dynamic obviously looked very different to what he was expecting.

Is there an expectation that I’ll be there too? Is DH alone plus a couple weird?

Both parents work full time so maybe that partly explains it but surely dads can do their own thing on occasion too…

OP posts:
mackthepony · 22/08/2022 02:28

I'd be as surprised as you to be honest op, but some folks on here will say it's totally normal for the wife to show up too. I'd have planned to go out like you did.

Or maybe she came along to wrangle her 3 year old so her dh and yours could chat?

VimFuego101 · 22/08/2022 02:28

I don't think there's any expectation of both parents attending a play date, but this sounds like a social catch up for your DH and an old friend, so not so weird that he brought his partner along.

Marvellousmadness · 22/08/2022 02:33

Depends on what was agreed on op
There is no '1 fits all' approach to playdates.

You both ASSUMED it was just the guy coming over
But maybe the wanted to do something together as it is weekend and they wanted to spend some time together?

Me and my friends all bring our spouses along every now and then. But we announce it prior to the playdate I guess haha

But considering they were coming over to YOUR HOUSE.. like what dads make plans to have a playdate at someones house really? None right. Haha so they were just looking to have a catch up

But I guess the guy could have mentioned he was bringing the missus along.

Mariposista · 22/08/2022 03:21

I’d have expected it to be just the men given that they were the ones to make the plans, and it seemed more about introducing the boys to each other rather than ‘and I’ll bring my wife so you can meet her etc’. Maybe their kid is hard work and he brought her so she can deal with him if he kicks off while the men are chatting (shouldn’t be necessary of course, dad should be able to handle). Hard to say without knowing them. Sorry you didn’t get your quiet coffee.

autienotnaughty · 22/08/2022 04:02

Yeah if I arrange a play date with a friend I wouldn't bring dh along. But I'm assuming they figured you would be there so thought it would be nice to do together.

Confusion101 · 22/08/2022 04:25

It doesn't sound like a play date though. The men wanted to catch up, and then decided to bring the kids along. But even so I still would've asked if other halves were attending.

Timeforanewnamenow · 22/08/2022 06:49

I wouldn’t have expected the wife either but can understand why she showed up. Both DHs should have clarified first

Dinoteeth · 22/08/2022 06:55

I wouldn't have expected her to turn up but would have rolled with it and stayed home.
I guess the issue is lack of clarity and maybe the woman works full-time and wants to see her child as much as possible at the weekends.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/08/2022 07:12

I've seen plenty of threads here where lots of people just see it as normal to want to do everything with your partner or see weekends as family time where you shouldn't do things without them. You can't assume anything I guess

Discovereads · 22/08/2022 07:18

YANBU, play date etiquette doesn’t usually include both parents unless previously discussed. However, I have seen on MN many paranoid mothers who would not let their DH take their child (boy or girl) to a play date with another father as the parent in charge, and avoid single fathers like the plague. They usually go on about pedophiles and bleat some sexist crap about how it’s “odd and suspicious” for “a man” to arrange a play date. That mum was probably a woman like that, coming along in case your DH was a sicko using his child as bait to get to her baby.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 22/08/2022 07:52

Maybe she'd heard lots about your DH from his colleague, and was interested in meeting him? Maybe she wanted to meet your child, and be around for hers? Maybe she wanted to see your house for herself and make sure it was a safe place for her child to play?
You could have just gone out as you'd planned, and left the three of them to it. It might have been a bit awkward for your DH at first, but maybe he'd have coped. And in future, if he wants to see his workmate without a third adult present, may need to be more explicit.

itsgettingweird · 22/08/2022 08:01

I'm not surprised the wife turned up.

I don't think she should have. The reason being if 2 female parents arrange a play date then you rarely ever (if ever because I've not known it!) expect the male parent to turn up.

I've had play dates where it's arranged for both parents and kids to be there but that been specifically where the families are all friends rather than this situation where it's the dads that are friends.

It always surprises me how we get comments about men needing to take more childcare, men aren't a babysitting their own children they are parents etc and yet - when they arrange play dates you'll find the mum wants to tag along.

I think you had absolutely the right idea and maybe next time escape before they arrive Grin

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 08:02

I'd have thought it was just the men but maybe the men hadn't been clear when organising and the other dude thought his wife might want to get to know you two too

BimmyTheMouse · 22/08/2022 08:04

It doesn’t sound like it was really a play date (I don’t get the impression your kids especially liked or even knew each other). It was an adult social occasion which happened to include kids.

WimpoleHat · 22/08/2022 08:06

I’d have thought this was just a lack of communication/difference in expectations. I have some friends where “let’s get together at the weekend” would automatically mean “as a family” and others where it would mean “just the two of us”. I think this is one of those situations where the colleague just assumed the former.

As a general rule (IME), play dates would involve one parent only and then (as kids got older), just the child coming round. But they wouldn’t usually be at the weekend, so maybe that’s where the confusion set in?

shedwithivy · 22/08/2022 08:08

BimmyTheMouse · 22/08/2022 08:04

It doesn’t sound like it was really a play date (I don’t get the impression your kids especially liked or even knew each other). It was an adult social occasion which happened to include kids.

This

Glitteratitar · 22/08/2022 08:10

I wouldn’t see that as a play date. I would see it as two families getting together for a catch up / meet for first time.

NoSquirrels · 22/08/2022 08:11

Well, how did it go? Was the dad hands-on or did he leave it all to his partner, as she was there? Was she nice and are they maybe trying to make new ‘couple friends’?

I’d have been surprised as well, but equally no harm done I guess as long as we were ready to host (stuff for lunch?) and everyone was nice to spend time with.

BloodyCamping · 22/08/2022 08:11

Meet in the park next time, with a picnic. When arranging the meet up DH can say that you’ll be at home having some quiet relaxation so it will be just him. He can say he’s keen for you to have a break

KyaClark · 22/08/2022 08:16

Not normal.

My husband takes our son for play dates with a person we both used to work with.

I've never been. I've never met the kids. I've never met his wife.

(They never come here even though we have invited them)

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 22/08/2022 08:19

I bet what's happened here is that he assumed the wives would look after the kids so the blokes could ignore the kids and have that catch up which is what it was ALL about.
So in his mind their catch up and the playdate were two concurrent events coinciding at the same house.

Would be unlikely to happen with most mums in the same scenario... mums would have assumed the two would have to be juggled together and catch-up and playdate were the same event.

It's not playdate etiquette it's bloke vision.

That's my blind guess... Op, what happened, did the mums end up minding the kids and simultaneously get to know each other while the dads focused on each other?

Arbesque · 22/08/2022 08:19

There was a thread on here a few days ago about couples who do everything together. Lots of posters supporting that behaviour, and surprised that a couple who got on well would want to do anything separately.

Maybe they're of that mindset.

MumEeeee · 22/08/2022 08:20

I personally hate the bringing partners thing. Often nice women turn up with partners who are either controlling and dominant or needy in being facilitated. Even if not- I invited the child for a friend, and the partner to talk to. I didn’t invite the other adult. It’s usually draining on some level, or restricts the flow of conversation.

DH and I though are probably the other extreme though. We almost never socialise together. We have a happy home I love returning to but we are different people.

Maybe it’s cultural to some extent, I grew up with female/ male adult social groups being normal. I feel comfortable with women round, but I really don’t like unknown men in my space. I’ll meet men in the park as play dates, but generally invite women in the house. I’m polite and use manners, but I secretly try to avoid it and hate it being forced on me. I know this is frowned on by many here, and I’ve even had occasions where I invite mum and dad shows up instead in the house. It’s made me over the years become far more restrictive on play dates in houses because it’s not something people often accept.

JanglyBeads · 22/08/2022 08:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

JanglyBeads · 22/08/2022 08:36

Apologies, wrong thread will ask for deletion!