Is this standard playdate etiquette?

[Redolent]

• DH gets chatting to an old work friend who he hasn’t spoken to since pre-pandemic, about having a catch up/meet-up. DH suggests getting kids involved and turning it into a ‘playdate’ - we each have 3 yr old sons. Friend agrees.
• DH invites him round for a couple of hours on the weekend
• I make vaguely enjoyable solitary plans that involve me taking 6 month old DD out in the pram for a nap and reading a book in a coffee shop - I intend to just say hi then pop out. It sounds good for the dads to just get stuck in tbh:
• When the time comes mum and dad both turn up. We’re both surprised but of course roll with it (I hastily abort prepared pram).

is it standard procedure for both parents to attend a weekend play date? From DH’s perspective the conversation and dynamic obviously looked very different to what he was expecting.

Is there an expectation that I’ll be there too? Is DH alone plus a couple weird?

Both parents work full time so maybe that partly explains it but surely dads can do their own thing on occasion too…

I dont think there is a standard but whoever organises it is usually clear about whether it's a two families meet up type scenario.

It's not unusual though, especially if the spouses know each other or are likely to get along. E.g. Dh has a work colleague who's wife works in the same field and shares a couple of interests with me, I enjoy it when she comes along as we can have quite a nice chat.

100% this. I bet the menfolk had a great old catch-up.

Lol sarahdippity the opposite happens when DH colleague comes over with his wife & kids. It's the dads in the garden with kids and mums in the kitchen having a cuppa!!

Both parents wouldn't normally go to a play date but this doesn't sound like a regular playdate. It's just wires crossed. He obviously thought it was about friends catching up that had been extended to include family.

I agree with others this doesn't really sound like a standard playdate. Playdates are normally for the kids benefit, so they'd need to already know each other and be friends. The kids had never met so this was two adults having a catch up and bringing their kids/family along which I guess is where the confusion arose. If your husband had suggested a trip to a pub I'm sure the wife and child wouldn't have tagged along.

With weekend playdates, I normally leave it up to dh if he wants to come along too. If we both know the family then he'll often come and the other dad is normally around but if it's a family that only I know then he won't bother.

Fine for her to turn up too, but why did you cancel plans to go out and have some solitary time with a book?

In my experience sometimes one parent turns up, sometimes two, but it can be mix and match – it doesn’t have to be two and two.

Thanks everyone. Agreed on the need for future clarity.

It was fine enough, and not imbalanced - the ‘menfolk’ did have a 10 minute chat at one point, but it was mostly everyone present in the same space together, whether inside or garden, and supervising or playing with the kids at once. Adult ratio did feel like overkill. Would still have preferred my book to the effort of meeting new peoples and striking up topics - the usual conversations about. work, what do you do, family etc etc

I stayed because I thought they had an expectation that it was family-meets-family time and I didn’t want to appear rude.

I would expect it to be mentioned before hand.

Perhaps the thought was, ah if I bring wifey I'll get to chat to my friend in peace while she wrangles the toddler.

Name change fail OP.

Bit of a misunderstanding I think. Genuine "playdate" which is mainly focused on getting the kids together, then I would normally only expect one parent. But that wasn't really what this was. This was about DH meeting up with old work friend, along with child, instantly turning it into a family thing rather than just a two friends thing. At which point it seems would seem quite likely to me that wives and other kids were included too. Your DH and the friend should have checked with each other to make sure that they have a common understanding. Unfortunately they didn't = easy mistake to make on both sides. I think once the wife turned up it was appropriate for you to stay too, unless you had something specific planned that was hard to change.

On a weekend, during the day, in ok img the kids - is no longer a guy catching up but a family event. I would’ve thought wives too and other children. otherwise would have been to expressly say dad’s get together, leave the wives at home/have some free time this of thing.

That is unusual. Definitely not standard. Usually in the messages arranging the playdate people make clear who’s coming.

I have though noticed that some women seem to gatecrash their husbands plans a lot. MIL and SIL can’t stand their husbands socialising unsupervised.

That was my thinking as well.

Agree with pp saying this doesn't fit the usual definition of 'playdate' as the kids don't know each other and it's primarily for the dads to catch up.

In this case it sounded more like a catch up that the kids were an excuse for. On a weekend both parents doesn't sound that weird to me