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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ending it after 7 years

39 replies

likebeyoncedoes · 22/08/2022 00:13

Hi all, just advice wanted. Row started with partner. It’s due to me wanting less sex per week than him. I explained that on occasion I do try and get myself in the mood even when I don’t feel like it. He’s taken this as an affront. Saying I’ve made him feel not attractive etc as I “ am forcing myself “
to have sex with him. He then explained to me that he’s been keep a list of things I do around the house of things that annoy him ( he’s hugely house-proud). Examples are not emptying bin regularly enough etc. to be clear , the house is very tidy and organised and clean etc. he says he wants to end it. Otherwise we get on well and have a laugh etc/ shared interests. Any advice I’d appreciate

OP posts:
MintJulia · 22/08/2022 00:44

You've tried to be open and honest about your mismatch in terms of sexual appetite and he has taken offence. Honesty is essential but instead he's reacted by keeping a nitpicking list of what he sees as your failings. It sounds like he is trying to undermine you.

He doesn't sound very mature. Is he using the threat of ending it to pressure you into more sex? If that's his motivation, you dump him from a great height and find yourself someone kind and decent.

TeapotTitties · 22/08/2022 00:48

If he wants to end it (assuming he's actually serious) then it's over.

BigChesterDraws · 22/08/2022 00:53

It looks like he has made his decision already. Not much you can do about that. What about your children?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2022 00:56

He's keeping a list, eh? He can shove the list up his arse. Get away from him at the earliest opportunity.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 22/08/2022 00:59

My advice would be to let him end it.

He wants you to beg him not to and that will give him the 'upper hand', instead of communicating with you and trying to understand you, like a loving, supportive partner should.

Call his bluff.

OovoofWelcome · 22/08/2022 01:01

Let him go.

OovoofWelcome · 22/08/2022 01:01

(Because he sounds like an arse).

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 01:21

Clearly you just want the benefits of a relationship without any of the obligations. So YABU.

User8273738273737 · 22/08/2022 01:26

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 01:21

Clearly you just want the benefits of a relationship without any of the obligations. So YABU.

@FunnyBeaux
there’s always one, as is often said here
is this a comment from back in the day when it was a woman’s obligation to service her man every so often or she wasn’t fulfilling her role as a wife?

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 01:33

She can leave, she just doesn't want to because she has benefits of being in a relationship. Guess what, it goes both ways.

ChellyT · 22/08/2022 01:49

TeapotTitties · 22/08/2022 00:48

If he wants to end it (assuming he's actually serious) then it's over.

100% this! If he has stated this, is it possible that he has already left the relationship emotionally? Move on no matter how hard it maybe, one day you'll come to realisation of 'Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?' It's a hard one but we all have that light bulb moment

ChellyT · 22/08/2022 01:52

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 01:21

Clearly you just want the benefits of a relationship without any of the obligations. So YABU.

Go you! What a fucking twat you are! If he wants the bins empty then maybe he should empty them, if he wants his knob sucked maybe he needs to get her in the mood for once in his dog forsaken dick life!

teezletangler · 22/08/2022 01:57

I explained that on occasion I do try and get myself in the mood even when I don’t feel like it. He’s taken this as an affront. Saying I’ve made him feel not attractive etc as I “ am forcing myself “

I can understand his reaction. Honesty is important, but if my partner said it this way I might feel hurt too. To the person on the receiving end it sounds like they're not attractive and you have to force yourself to have sex with them. That's quite demoralizing. (And I say this as someone who wants less sex than DH, so sometimes I do have to get myself in the mood. But I don't think I'd phrase it like that to him).

Stopthebusplease · 22/08/2022 02:20

The thing is OP, it doesn't sound like he's exciting you these days, or is it a case of, like with so many women, you're just too bloody dog tired to perform just when it suits him? Does he make the effort to get you in the mood, or is he the sort that just wants to get on with it, without any consideration as to whether he's giving you pleasure? Either way, the situation clearly isn't working for either of you, so unless you can discuss it calmly and reach some sort of compromise, I think it sounds like this relationship is dead in the water. As for keeping a list of what you're not doing in the house to his liking, well that smacks of you working your guts out, in order to keep this miserable tosser happy, and then you're too tired to jump to it when he wants to get his leg over. Sounds like he'd be better off with a housekeeper and a whore, and you'd be better off without such an arsehole!! Get rid, and find someone who appreciates you for who, and what you are, not what he expects you to be.

Marvellousmadness · 22/08/2022 03:12

End it
Be happy

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 22/08/2022 05:32

Thanks all. Really appreciate your responses. He does loads around the house as do I but his standard of housework is vv high and little things I may forget really grate on him and therefore he started a list of things im failing on around the house. You’re right about miss
matched labido. He’d do it every day but I’d prefer once or twice a week. Also understand I could have phrased things better to Him. We have lots of common and lots of good things in relationship. But he kept repeating its over. He has said this before and gone back on it. Therefore not sure if it’s final or a threat in heat of argument

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 22/08/2022 05:40

Could you live separately but stay in a relationship, then you can do what you want in your own home.

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2022 06:44

If he says it’s over then take him at his word

Tandora · 22/08/2022 07:28

You cannot continue a relationship with someone who keeps threatening you that it’s over. Pp is right, you must absolutely take him at his word. It sounds like he has all the power - a relationship like that will never work out because it will be lacking in mutuality and respect. Walk away.

KangarooKenny · 22/08/2022 07:30

Take him at his word and end it.
You can’t be putting up with this every time you don’t have sex or you don’t hoover right.

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 22/08/2022 07:35

Thank you all. I am not naturally the most organised or tidy person but since meeting him I’ve really really tried to improve things like that and keep the house how he wants it. I appreciate it being tidy etc so not moaning about his High standards but just finding it hard that on the list he put “ leaving things out on worktops “ eg. A book / sunglasses etc. it’s that level of stuff I find hard. Not so much ensuring dishes are done / hoovering etc. thanks again for your responses. I am my own worst energy at times as I’m a row I’ll always be the one to say “ do you want this to end” and sometimes he’ll reply with “yes” or “
I’ve just had enough of you “. Rather than him bringing up the break up idea if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
shedwithivy · 22/08/2022 07:46

Throw this one back OP, it will only get worse

FreudayNight · 22/08/2022 07:50

FunnyBeaux · 22/08/2022 01:21

Clearly you just want the benefits of a relationship without any of the obligations. So YABU.

Having a list of your faults and inadequacies is not a benefit of a relationship. Making a list like that shows he is incapable of having a mutually respectful relationship.

I’d let him go. Honestly, the idea of this, as FunnyBeaux so clearly demonstrates is that you know that you can never be good enough. I have seen friends put through this mill.

There is no acceptable space between being a dirty bitch living in filth and being neurotic and obsessed.
There is no acceptable space between being frigid and being a whore.
There is no acceptable space between earning less than him and being a sponger or earning more than him and thinking you’re special.
You simultaneously cannot apply for jobs because you’re delusional to think you could do it, but can’t not apply because then you will have no ambition.
There is no acceptable space for you to watch tv and be a bimbo or read a book and be ignoring him whilst he watches tv.
If you ask his opinion then you are think with no mind of your own, if you don’t then you are wrong.
The right decision you should have made can only be determined after you have chosen what you want to do, and it will then be the other choice that you should have made.

Think of this as a lucky escape… he’s feeling confident enough to dump you as a performance improvement measure.

Di you actively want to be criticized like this until you are an old and frail woman? Because you will be. Don’t make that old, frail woman live with the misery guts.

Pottedpalm · 22/08/2022 07:50

Trying to meet his ( ridiculous) expectations must be very draining. Do yourself a favour by ending it.

Pansypotter123 · 22/08/2022 08:01

Is the house clean and tidy enough for you?

Who owns the house by the way? Who pays the bills etc?