Ending it after 7 years

[likebeyoncedoes]

Hi all, just advice wanted. Row started with partner. It’s due to me wanting less sex per week than him. I explained that on occasion I do try and get myself in the mood even when I don’t feel like it. He’s taken this as an affront. Saying I’ve made him feel not attractive etc as I “ am forcing myself “
to have sex with him. He then explained to me that he’s been keep a list of things I do around the house of things that annoy him ( he’s hugely house-proud). Examples are not emptying bin regularly enough etc. to be clear , the house is very tidy and organised and clean etc. he says he wants to end it. Otherwise we get on well and have a laugh etc/ shared interests. Any advice I’d appreciate

He owns the house but I have my own house that I own and earn enough to support myself and daughter. So money is not An issue. The word draining really is accurate .

Well you've already got your ducks in a row - leave him and enjoy the life you want with your daughter.

Let it end. He can find someone who wants to shag daily and align more with his household standards and you will find someone who wants to shag once or twice a week and better aligns to you.

Intrigued to know what these obligations might be 🤔

Yes please do enlighten us @FunnyBeaux

Why wouldn't you keep a list?

Keeping a list has helped me to articulate myself and fight my corner when leaving a relationship I didn't want to be in. How is this any different?

Nobody should be forced in to having sex if they don't want to, emotionally or physically. Next time he says it's over agree with him & leave, you could also present him with a list of his faults. Bollocks to all this it's your duty posters, we are not living in the dark ages.

Not playing your game, but it's pretty clear across this forum that the great enlightenment of 2022 only applies to wives not husbands. You only ever read terms like cocklodger, or questions like 'why are you still with the useless/waster?' when talking about the men.

They obviously still have to provide a good income, do at least 50% of chores when they get home even if the wife is a SAHM with one child, never suffer from ed, never need ego boosts or emotional support, support their wives emotionally plus plus plus. But they shouldn't ever have any expectations of any kind or reciprocity because that would just make them twatty cavemen.

You aren't 'obligated' to have sex with him every day, just because you are in a relationship ffs. So ignore that comment.

But it all just sounds so fucking tiring.

Keeping a list of things like leaving your sunglasses on the side ffs. I could not deal with that level of pettiness whether I shagged someone once a day, twice a day, or once a bloody year!

As another pp said, throw this one back.

You're not a match OP, sorry.

Time to pull the plug on him.

Sounds like he’s unhappy but hasn’t got the guts to end things, so just satisfies himself by complaining about sex, writing petty little lists and saying he’s sick of you and wants to end things but not doing. Why would you be with someone who answers ‘yes’ when asked if they want to end things? He’s clearly not the one and he’s draining you.

@FreudayNight

There is no acceptable space between being a dirty bitch living in filth and being neurotic and obsessed.
There is no acceptable space between being frigid and being a whore.
There is no acceptable space between earning less than him and being a sponger or earning more than him and thinking you’re special.
You simultaneously cannot apply for jobs because you’re delusional to think you could do it, but can’t not apply because then you will have no ambition.
There is no acceptable space for you to watch tv and be a bimbo or read a book and be ignoring him whilst he watches tv.
If you ask his opinion then you are think with no mind of your own, if you don’t then you are wrong.
The right decision you should have made can only be determined after you have chosen what you want to do, and it will then be the other choice that you should have made.

That is an excellent post and one that many women on here should read.

I had a (thankfully very short) relationship like you describe and it is overwhelming and confusing and you jump through hoops of trying to walk the fine (non-existent) line of being ‘just right’ and you can never ever do it.

Looking back I can’t believe I put up with it at all but it can be so slow and insidious at the beginning.

Anyway just wanted to say thanks for posting and please copy it and keep it in notes as it will be relevant on many, many other threads and reading it might really help someone realise that it isn’t them, it’s their partner.

OP you don't have to tolerate him changing his mind about whether to be in the relationship. You can stop his dithering by choosing to end the relationship yourself.

The only obligation in a relationship is to treat each other with respect. Everything else is negotiable between you and as long as both if you are happy with whatever is decided that's all that matters

People get told to LTB because the men being posting about aren't treating their partners with respect. Yes, if you want to be in a relationship, any sensible person who is able to effectively take care of their own emotional well-being will want you to be a well rounded individual capable of empathy and acting with respect, and not as if you've somehow acquired a free cook/cleaner /whore/nanny just because you live together or got married.

Here's the thing men...if you only want to be in a relationship to get regular sex, you need to find a woman who's primary concern is the same thing. Not a woman who wants an actual relationship with someone who is her equal and willing to be a proper partner through life, then just pretending you want a relationship too, until she's emotionally invested and then you start to drop your efforts revealing your true asshole personality. Causing her to come on Mumsnet in despair, where she'll be informed that the best thing she can do is LTB. That's where you're going wrong. And if you want a cleaner/nanny hire one!

Nothing you have written here has much relevance to the thread.

By OP’s “obligations”- do you mean she’s obligated to have sex with him every day if she doesn’t want to? Or is she obligated to put up with his frequent assertions that he doesn’t want to be with her? Or with him making a list of the things he dislikes about her? Or his meticulous standards of tidiness? Or all of the above?