Was this neglectful?

[Ritascornershop]

I was a teenager in the 1980’s and my own kids were teenagers ten years ago. My mum died five years ago with dementia (but seemed sane, was married, had a job, went on big holidays with my dad after the kids grew up). Recently I’ve been thinking about a couple of personal care things from my teenage years. I do not know what to make of this. We we fed well, clothes kept clean (till I was old enough to do laundry), new clothes bought.

However: I got my period when I was 11 and after a one time purchase of pads my mum never bought me pads or tampons again. I didn’t have money, I was 11, and because it was never discussed I assumed it was too shameful so never asked. So I spent years stuffing my pants with toilet paper, which as you can imagine was not efficient. Also, while I’ve always been small boned and slim we have big boobs in our family. Mum took me to buy a bra when I was 13 (at which point I was 32C, I was 34DD by 19) and that was it. One bra. So I’d take a bra out of her drawer and she must have noticed but never spoke of it.

wtf?!!!! I just can’t imagine what she was thinking. I know she loved me, otherwise took good care of me, but this is so strange. I can’t imagine doing the same to my daughter when she was a teen.

Anyone else have this? And I’m not being unreasonable, right? This was neglect?

And sorry, I meant mum seemed sane when I was a kid, she didn’t get ill with dementia till she was elderly.

It’s not ideal no, and a bit strange, perhaps your mum didn’t cope so well at that time in your life and just did not think of those things? Was there lots of love? If so I would chalk this up to simple random mum behaviour!

Sounds like your mum was embarrassed about puberty and normal bodily changes. This made you feel shamed/embarrassed to ask. It's sad but common in certain generations.

Did you tell her you needed pads and a new bra

It is very odd, and I’m guessing because you never felt you could talk to her or ask her about it there must have been some shame and emotional neglect going on.

My Mom was exactly the same. She talked to me about periods when I was fourteen, even though I had started at twelve. Didn’t ever buy me sanitary towels or tampons.
She once told me at about twelve/thirteen that I needed deodorant, but never brought me any, and I didn’t have any money of my own. Never brought me a bra, I got my first one when I started working at sixteen. But everything else in our lives she was fairly normal about.
She was early fourties when she had me so I always wondered if it had been shameful to talk about puberty when she was younger so didn’t know how to handle it with me. I am the complete opposite with my kids now!

What was your relationship like otherwise?

I can't imagine not being able to tell my mum I needed these things, but equally I can't imagine her not asking me either!

I think there is a bit of a generational thing that these things just weren't talked about. My mum did buy them for me but it was never, ever discussed and even know as an adult I wouldn't feel comfortable even mentioning periods or anything in front of her.

My mum was the same - she was an older mum but I have an older sister so not the first. It was never mentioned... I was a late starter thankfully at 15, so was earning a bit of money, so sorted myself out. I remember my sister who is quite a bit older buying me my first bra when I was about to go to senior school but my mum did buy those afterwards.

My mum was the same OP but I had heavy periods and she bought me pantyliners - useless! I've had problems with my cycle recently and tried to talk to her but she was so uncomfortable.

I don't get it but does make me sad. I have a 4 year old and no way will I make the same mistakes. Both her and her brother have seen pads in the bathroom. I want them to talk to me about anything.

That's really strange. But don't attribute to malice what can be attributed to kinder explanations, when it comes from a woman who was clearly decent and clearly loved you. Maybe she had some deep-seated shame about breasts and periods that really affected her.

Yes it was literally never talked about in my house, ever. Had no period talk or anything from my mum, so my older sister did it. But she did buy sanitary towels and put them in the cupboard. It was all treated as very shameful.

I didn’t ask because the vibe was that it was too embarrassing to speak of. Like Helptomove and Purplepainted, my mum was older when I was born, but I did have two much older sisters so I wonder if she did this three times. She was very embarrassed about anything sexual, wouldn’t even use the word
pregnant, always said “in the family way”. But I do t think that excuses it.

While fine in other areas she also was not good when I was ill. I got my first migraine on a trip to Paris and she went on and on about how I was inconveniencing her. I was 12 and thought I was dying. She went out and left me to sleep it off. And a few years later when I got appendicitis, after a night of agony she sent me to school, but I walked myself to the hospital instead (age 14).

I think she ought to have gotten over his discomfort and been the adult for me in all those situations.

Were you unable to ask your older sisters for help regarding buying pads? It is a shame that you had no help in that regard.

I completely agree, she should have been an adult and helped you.

My dm - who is a great mum by the way - had similar issues with discussing periods. I told her when I got mine and she asked if I felt ok. I did at the time and then it was never mentioned again until I became an adult. But in fairness to her, sanitary towels were left in my room every month and, when I started earning money and buying tampons instead, she obviously noticed and these also started appearing.

My dm’s own parents hated having girls and saw them as a burden and I think there was a lot of shame surrounding periods and female bodies. But, even if it’s difficult to discuss there is no excuse for your dm not ensuring that you had adequate san pro. Not doing so is neglect in my book.

I make a point of asking my dd every month how she is and if she needs anything. She had san pro in her bag for a year before her periods began so she wouldn’t be caught out. I think I probably annoy her but I think it’s better than the alternative.

My experience was exactly the same, I am in my 40s and eldest of 3 daughters. I never had my own bra until I left home at 16 and bought one with a student loan. We just used my mums old bras and shared them between us all. Never advised on pads.

Mum said no tampons they will kill you (toxic shock syndrome was getting well known then I think) and my dad would buy massive thick pads from the corner shop.

It was just never ever spoken about, nothing about puberty was to be honest.

@LadyKenya it was all so mysterious and embarrassing I had no idea how other girls got sorted and while one sister would have helped it didn’t occur to me. The other was useless and they were 14 and 22 years older than me.

I think it contributed to a sense I still have that my needs aren’t important and I have to sort myself out.

It’s so sad that quite a few others are recounting the same experiences. It wasn’t okay.

Yes, it was neglect. I too experienced similar from my mother and wider relatives. There was no discussion of any kind about puberty, sex or relationships or how to manage anything related to them. It was a lot of self discovery and trying to manage as best I could when actual advice would have really helped me. I try not to hold negative thoughts on my upbringing though as I can't change it, but I have a much better relationship with the children in my life as a result and feel I am more switched on to signs of neglector effects of poverty which is useful in my professional position. In my local educational establishments, all sorts of period products have been made available to youngsters for free and it's such a relief knowing that those resources are available to those who still find themselves needlessly in the same predicament as we were.

Yes sadly the same happened to me, except I had an oversized bra which I sewed up to fit. I did a terrible job (Irony being my mum was a seamstress). I'd like to say it was the times but in my cousin's home they used to keep sanitary products well stocked in the bathroom. My mum was a prude and self absorbed but much like yours I was well fed and taken care of in other ways.

Yes this was neglect. It doesn't matter if she felt embarrassed, she could have just put a bag of items in your room or the bathroom. Or left you with some money to buy your own.
I often used to go without shampoo, toothpaste, a toothbrush, deodorant; and had whatever hand me down clothing we were given. We weren't poor.

The way she reacted to your migraine suggests she took it personally. Was there ever a time you needed medical help and didn't get it?

There was definitely no talk of what makes a healthy relationship (how to get a job, etc).

@Thelnebriati aside from walking myself to the hospital at age 14, I also was sent to get my stitches out weeks later alone. Then years later I married someone emotionally neglectful.

I guess I hope that by finally thinking about it I can change some habits of not prioritizing myself. Now my kids are grown I want to take better care of what’s important to me.

@Ritascornershop my mum was similar, but maybe a bit more extreme.

I don't know if it was "neglect" as such, but a lot of it has come back to me in recent years and I do feel very sad about it.

I think I was fairly well looked after when I was a young child. But by the age of around 10 or so (possibly younger) I was just left to it.

She was a respectable woman. She had a good job and she worked part-time, presumably to facilitate looking after me, but she just didn't really.

She was very emotionally distant, didn't really speak to me much. Didn't teach me anything (cooking, make-up etc). Always looked vaguely surprised when it was revealed that she should have done something but hadn't, for example, seeing something that her friends were doing for their kids.

I didn't really have appropriate clothes. I had a brother two years older and would wear a lot of his stuff. When out with my friends I never had a jacket, even in winter. Mum never seemed to notice but friends mums did and would often give me a spare.
My clothes were always washed and folded and put away. But when I desperately needed new clothes I had to ask for them. She would then take me out, always to the cheapest shops, and she would let me try on and choose more or less what I wanted. But I can remember her just standing there as I tried things on. She never had an opinion or helped me with what might look good or whatever. I chose some awful, unflattering things and she just let me.

She never checked if I'd brushed my teeth. I was quite self conscious and went through a phase of piling on very thick face make-up in completely the wrong colour (think this must have been given by somebody as I didn't have money to buy it). I was very pale with very dark, cheap make-up caked on my face and I can't imagine ever letting my daughter go out like that. But she did and I still don't really understand why.

If I ever misbehaved she was quite hard on me. Very critical. But I was floundering without any guidance and I'm amazed she couldn't see that. If I did something wrong, she would mostly be annoyed that it would reflect badly on her. She was obsessed with appearances, so it seems so strange that she didn't care that I looked very much like an urchin for quite a few years.

I've done fine for myself in life, but I do often wonder how much better I could have done with a bit of guidance.

Yes @TiredYorkshireMam it’s the floundering that I don’t understand. Why would they leave us to flounder? My mum didn’t give me any tips on makeup or hair or how to handle adult men pestering me when I was a teenager (which happened a lot and I thought I had to be polite to sex pests).

I know that when I started school mum would brush my hair (which was quite long). She was terrible at it though, just yanked a comb through and it hurt and so she gave up. I visited my grownup sister once, aged about 12, and she decided to brush my hair and there was a huge rat’s nest (as she called it) of tangles at the back of my head. She had to cut some of it out.

But mum was fine in other ways, proud of me for being clever & tried to cook things the family would enjoy (with mixed results: she was not a good cook - dad cooked on weekends).

My mother, now in her late 80s, was very lax when it came to my personal hygiene and care, when I was a preteen and teen. She actively discouraged regular showers/hair washing, saying it was a waste of water, my school uniform was rarely washed- my (only) shirt was washed maybe every second week and the skirt and jumper were washed maybe once a month, at most. Before anyone asks, I was not allowed do my own laundry. She gave me sanitary pads when I had my first period and told me to remind her to buy them for me every month, but despite my reminders she never did so I used wads of toilet paper too. I gave up reminding her. She never brought me to get measured for a bra, just gave me a hand me down from my older sister, and only gave me one. When it tore, as I was significantly bigger than my sister, I sewed it up. She never bought me deodorant. Really, I must have smelt terribly bad, between no deodorant, infrequent showers and unwashed clothes. And looked terrible too, with lank, greasy hair.

I don’t understand why she was like that with me. It wasn’t due to a lack of money, and it wasn’t lack of education on her part. I do think it was neglectful, despite her not being so in other ways.