Was this neglectful?

[Ritascornershop]

I was a teenager in the 1980’s and my own kids were teenagers ten years ago. My mum died five years ago with dementia (but seemed sane, was married, had a job, went on big holidays with my dad after the kids grew up). Recently I’ve been thinking about a couple of personal care things from my teenage years. I do not know what to make of this. We we fed well, clothes kept clean (till I was old enough to do laundry), new clothes bought.

However: I got my period when I was 11 and after a one time purchase of pads my mum never bought me pads or tampons again. I didn’t have money, I was 11, and because it was never discussed I assumed it was too shameful so never asked. So I spent years stuffing my pants with toilet paper, which as you can imagine was not efficient. Also, while I’ve always been small boned and slim we have big boobs in our family. Mum took me to buy a bra when I was 13 (at which point I was 32C, I was 34DD by 19) and that was it. One bra. So I’d take a bra out of her drawer and she must have noticed but never spoke of it.

wtf?!!!! I just can’t imagine what she was thinking. I know she loved me, otherwise took good care of me, but this is so strange. I can’t imagine doing the same to my daughter when she was a teen.

Anyone else have this? And I’m not being unreasonable, right? This was neglect?

🙄 doesn't take a genius to work out an 11 year old with no money is going to have monthly periods and will need more than one bra throughout their teenage years.

Also if the read the post, the OP was to ashamed to talk to her mum about it as her mum made her feel it was a taboo subject

It is 100% neglect and saying sometimes it was embarrassment or common with a previous generation doesn’t mean it wasn’t.

That was my experience. My Mother was born in 1928. I can remember her taking me aside and telling me that I didn't have to put clean knickers on everyday. I also wasn't allowed to do the washing, so it wasn't a case of her being over worked. Everyone in the family smoked and I was bullied because of my lack of hygiene. It had a lasting effect on me and my self worth, which meant I've underachieved. I'm just about to spend £thousands on my teeth thanks to early childhood neglect. This is a woman who worked in a good job and had her hair done twice a week in the hairdresser's. There was a definite air of not letting girls get above themselves and taking the one's who tried to fight back down a peg or two. I always have to comment when older people say that we should keep periods etc private.

@Ritascornershop yes I really don't understand it either.

My mum is very critical and judgemental of others, so I don't know why she didn't seem to care that I looked awful, or give me pointers in how to conduct myself. Just general life advice really.

She wasn't an "absent" mother. She was there and the house was clean and tidy. But that was about the extent of it. Looking back now it just seems ridiculous- my dad worked long hours in a stressful job. She worked part-time in a comfortable job.....but she wasn't bringing up her kids!

I think she just didn't really know what to do, really. She's not a bad person and she's not lazy. I just think she didn't really think about it much. I don't really know who she thought was bringing her kids up, obviously just thought she didn't really need to do anything

I think she has suffered with anxiety and depression most of her life, and possibly some form of autism as well. But she won't do anything about it. She is a deeply unhappy woman but there's not much I can do about it.

I do feel very disappointed because I think it could have been different if she just had a bit more awareness / self-awareness.

Yes this was neglectful, I'm sorry that you had to go through that!

When I started my periods my mother bought me one pack of pads and that's it! My dad beat me with a belt one time I asked my mum if I could please have some pads one month! I once asked my head of year, I was 13, she told me to ask my parents. I took a paper round job, before and after school, so I could earn some money for san pro, I was 13/14, in the early 90's when I started that job, my mother took my wages from me for 'lodge'. I took on another paper round after school, so I did two at the same time, and didn't tell anyone so I could just afford san pro.
My mother, and my father by proxy, were abusive shits, I haven't spoken to either of them for almost a decade and ever will again, not just because of the san pro and 'lodge money' issue but for the many, many other abusive and neglectful crap they did to me.

I made sure to be open and honest with my girls, they come to me and their dad of they need san pro, however I always make sure we have a huge basket of pads and tampons available at all times. Both girls have just started using period pants so we've bought lots of them for both of the girls.

My friend, Irene, age 12, went to a school run by nuns. They were seriously weird. One day Irene was in a class suffering bad stomach pains. She had told her Mum but she had sent her to school anyway.
The pains got worse and eventually she got up to go to tell the nun. When she rose, blood started dropping on the floor.
Irene thought she was dying what with the pain and the blood. The nun said nothing but wrote her a pass to get out of school and told her to go home.
No one had thought to tell her about menstruation, not her mother, not the nun.
She was crying and afraid and the nun offered no comfort to put Irene's mind at rest.Attitudes are very different today

I had similar. My mother had light periods and seemed to think I could cope on about 3 tampons per period, whereas I had heavy periods and 3 wouldn't even last a day. She refused to believe me so I supplemented with toilet paper.

She refused to buy me a bra until I was 13 stating that I was too young to have one. I was bullied at my school for lack of one with fairly sizeable boobs.

When I had my own children my mother said something along the lines of I should make the most of them while they were little and children weren't nearly as interesting when they got to 10 or 11 and started having their own minds about things. At this point it clicked that I think she was trying to keep me "young" - she didn't want a child going through puberty and literally lost interest once I did (a pattern she has repeated with my own children, and all her other grandchildren).

I’m so sorry to hear that others went through this! It seems it was much more common than I would ever have guessed. When I think of little me, and teenage me, I have so much compassion for that girl.

It was the personal hygiene stuff, but the general
lack of guidance too. I’ve never had much confidence and I wonder how much years of not having guidance contributed to it. I so often felt for years that I did not know how to adult.

I think my mum was depressed as well, but going through a dreadful divorce I was often depressed too, but I didn’t let my kids down, so I do feel that she dropped the ball.

This is so sad, OP, and not normal. Possibly neglectful - though I don't know enough about dementia etc to comment in terms of your mum's intentions. How was she with you more generally? As someone has said it could be she was incredibly embarrassed. If she showed love and care elsewhere I'd say it wasn't typical neglect.

I’ve remembered too that dental hygiene was never deemed important when I was a child. I’ve lost 4 of my adult teeth and every remaining tooth has had work, be it a filling, multiple fillings or root canal treatment and crowns. Every single tooth in my head.

It was the personal hygiene stuff, but the general
lack of guidance too. I’ve never had much confidence and I wonder how much years of not having guidance contributed to it. I so often felt for years that I did not know how to adult

I can empathise with this. My mother never gave me any life guidance, and was extremely over-protective. I had never been anywhere in my own until I left home to go to uni, and then I was expected to cope in a big city, when I hadn’t done anything on my own prior to that. I’d never navigated public transport on my own, never shopped for food, clothes etc, never been to the cinema, to friends houses, never been out socialising, nothing, and then I was loose in a city. But perhaps the biggest thing of all was that I had zero clue about men and dating and relationships. I’d never even spoken to a boy my own age til I went to uni, as I’d gone to a single sex school. I had no clue about boundaries, appropriate engagement, expectations etc. i veered from being in awe of men to just wanting to fit in and being desperate to kiss a boy, any boy, just to be ‘normal’. I really resent that that’s how I was sent out into the world.

@sammylady37 My experience was a bit different in that I had a lot of independence but no idea about men at all. I assumed they were as romantic as I was and it took till my 50’s to grasp that most of them just want sex. I wish my mother had given me guidance there too. They let us down, our mums, in quite important ways.

Although my mum told me about periods at 11 and supplied me with sanpro, the problem for us was disposal, we had no bins in the lavatory or bathroom, and men weren't to know anything about it, so we couldn't carry it through the house to the outside bin.(the bin men might notice it!) My mother had a system, we had to put it in a paper bag and hide it under our bed, then while my father was at work, she would collect it and burn it in the grate. I found all this secrecy very confusing, and I am sure my father, who was very sensible, and had 2 sisters, wasn't totally unaware of women's biology. Apart from that my mother was very hot on personal hygiene, as having had no indoor facilities in her childhood, she absolutely relished daily baths for the whole family, in the 50s when I was a child, and no one was ever allowed to miss out. We were very lucky.

My dm wouldn't discuss anything like periods when I got my 1st and was obviously scared at this blood in my pants I got told off for being silly and being an inconvenience as it meant she had to go buy pads. It was never to be discussed again. I would have to make pads last longer than they should till I started earning money to buy my own. She wouldn't buy me underwear luckily I had an aunt who would.
I know she loved me she just struggled with me growing up.

I felt I couldn't tell my mum (70 now - had me at 38) when I started my period so I hid it for almost two years! It just wasn't something that we had ever spoken about. She gave me a book when I was 11 and that was it. A family friend eventually explained it all to me.

Recently, my mother was horrified that my niece had left a packet of pads in the bathroom, in full view of her brother!

Different times! My mum was lovely, and a midwife. But absolutely no talk about periods, no bra purchase, no deodorant chat, nothing whatsoever of “that type of thing”.
The only Conversation was “if you can’t be good, be careful” re: HIV /AIDS when I’d have been mid teens.

I don’t think different times entirely explains it as some girls were getting bras and pads and tampons. Different in that some people were extremely embarrassed by it, but not everyone found it paralysing.

My mum was the product of a neglectful mother, how her and my Aunt made it to adulthood i don't know, but because of this she was completely opposite but over the top with hygiene, and san pads where always available and hung up in a drawstring bag on the back of the bathroom door (no tampons as my mum didn't think they were safe for teens).

I found the over the top aspect embarrassing at the time, but i know my best friends mum was like hers and didn't wash her clothes, explain about periods or buy her san pro, and i know my mum supplied them to her and let her shower and washed her clothes whenever she was at ours.