To think this is not okay?

[Wolfie11]

I’m internally fuming about this situation but I wanted to get other opinions.

DS (10) stays with his dad two week nights plus every other weekend. He pays £250 maintenance per month which covers his half of our child-minder fees, half of DS phone bill and half of his Spotify account. I buy all his clothes, school uniform, cover pocket money, haircuts etc - he doesn’t contribute a penny more. He earns more than double what I do and has a partner, I am single.

Up until mid way through last year, if DS needed to go to breakfast club or have a school lunch whichever parent had him that day would just give him the money for that (£2 per time). The school then changed to an online payment system and despite me sending his dad the details on numerous occasions, he would never top the account up and would then use up the credit I had put on for my days. If I brought this up he would send me a small amount via bank transfer. I made it clear that I didn’t want him to do this, I wanted him to top the account up weekly/monthly depending on his needs. He said this was no problem and he would do this when school went back after the summer.

Our school’s went back earlier this week and DS’s dad has told him that he can’t afford to send him to breakfast club or for school lunches. I’m not happy that he actually told a 10 year old that and didn’t mention it to me but the main issue is that despite DS not going to breakfast club he is still dropping him off at the same time, expecting him to hang around in the playground for an hour in whatever weather and alone for most of it until other children appear! I’ve tried to contact him to discuss this and discuss options but he is just ignoring me. I just really don’t feel like this is okay and it frustrates me so much. If he had spoken to me about it I would have offered to cover breakfast club costs. If I’m being completely honest that still would’ve annoyed me as they have much more money than I do and he should be capable of feeding his child on his days but I would’ve sucked it up for DS’s sake. I have never at any point said that he can’t see DS but I’m really reluctant to allow him to go on his weeknights next week incase the same thing happens again. I honestly feel like leaving a 10 year old standing about alone in the rain, and soon to be cold, because you can’t/won’t pay £2 (and can’t communicate like an adult!) is verging on cruelty and neglect.

AIBU to feel like this? I feel like the bar is set so fucking low for men/dads yet they still manage to trip over it. The other option I have to keep the peace is to pay money on DS’s account for his dad’s days and tell DS that there is always money on there so he doesn’t need to sit in the playground and can go into breakfast club. I will probably end up doing this for DS’s sake. Sorry for the long ranting post!

Make it official, get what you’re owed via the CMS.

Oh come on.
He's taking the piss.
Tell him that if he doesn't want to pay those bills then it's probably best you claim through CMS, that way you can cover those things directly instead of him having to log in and top up.

Go through CMS and get the higher amount you’re entitled to. You talk about the bar being set low for fathers so stop accepting it.

It is extreme Penny pinching and mean of him to not be willing to pay £2 for breakfast club and to leave his son to stand outside. If he pays the correct amount you can just top the account up more and it won’t be a sticking point.

OP, put on a CMS application. so long as he’s not self employed I’m betting he’s way underpaying child maintenance to you.

he sounds like a complete arsehole. Tell school this is happening and your son is being left by his father at school hours before school opens ask them if they can bill him directly for his portion of the breakfast club, and you can pay your portion.

Tell Ex that his maintenance needs to go up by £100 a month to cover the school extras he is not paying. Tell him you will go to CMS if he doesn't comply AND MEAN IT!!

In the meantime I would probably keep the school account tight - so that school notice he has no lunch and isn't doing breakfast club despite being on the playground. They will soon flag especially the lunch issue.

What on earth do you mean you 'have never wanted to go down that route'? That's how you get him to pay his share for your child's benefit.

@Lopar even if the father pays CMS level child support, he still needs to cover the child’s expenses on his days. That would include paying for the child’s lunch and breakfast clubs on days child is under his care

Like others have said you need to go through cms

Tell school this is happening and your son is being left by his father at school hours before school opens ask them if they can bill him directly for his portion of the breakfast club, and you can pay your portion.

The school can't force OP's ex to pay for breakfast club on his days if he doesn't want his child to attend. But they might have rules around what time DC can be dropped off if they're not attending BC so worth checking. At our school students are not allowed on site until a specific time as there are no staff available to supervise them.

@Wolfie11 bizarrely some posters are turning this on you. The dad should be paying, same as if he was feeding your DS at home before school, you'd hardly be sending over a box of cornflakes.

As pp has said, you need to go official with CMS if you think it'll work out better. The money is for your child, it's to go towards all items that you pay for at the moment and possibly putting aside for future things like school trips, education fund. I assume you are afraid to rock the boat by going this route but you and your DS are the ones being put out, not your ex. You have found out now and it hasn't been going on for ages so you can address it by making sure the account has money and then get your ex to transfer til CMS is sorted. Sorry that you have to put up with this shite.

Go via CMS and use the additional maintenance to pay the breakfast club and lunch.

YANBU - his dad sounds like an asshole. Who leaves their kid like that? Is he mad? I’d have been furious as I’m sure you were. You seem more than reasonable in your OP and already give him a lot of leeway in payments etc. it’s scandalous to have done this to your DS and to ignore you about it. It’s £2!! To stop him being outside and alone!! Ridiculous. You’ve done well not to knock on his door with a set of eggs…

I agree with other posters, if he’s now ignoring you take him down the legal route and slam him for the correct (higher) maintenance owed to you for your son. He can then shove that up his hole for his poor attitude!

No, it’s the father’s responsibility to provide for his child on his days. He should be ensuring that his child is safe, fed and looked after, and that means not leaving him outside school for an hour. He does what the rest of us do and either stumps up for breakfast club or drops him off later. The OP isn’t his mummy as well.

But that is irrelevant with regards to what he pays for his child; she is not part of that.

Tell ex you need to recalculate maintenance as it's been eight years and costs are rising. Tell him he needs to pay X or you'll go through CMS. Then do it, and do not feel guilty.

If you're not happy then go to cms. However you don't get to say what his money is and isn't spent on.
Ask school to ring dad re dropping off early.
Ask the club to set up another child with your details on (without middle name eg) that you pay towards and is used for your days only.
The current one can be for dad, take yourself off as contact, and they can chase him for payment

Thanks for the replies. I haven’t gone down the CMS route as he can be very nasty and as a previous poster said, I really don’t want to rock the boat. I was only 16 when we met and he was much older, I left him when DS was 2 and he didn’t make it easy. I’ve managed to maintain a civil co parenting relationship since by biting my tongue and picking my battles but it’s getting more difficult. He missed his maintenance payment earlier this year (after a week abroad) and I have been considering going to CMS since then but I’m worried he will try and make my life hell if I’m being honest.

CMS doesn’t change the morning issue though. I will make sure the account is always topped up and will speak to DS so he knows he can always go to breakfast club, he NEVER has to stand about in the playground. If I haven’t heard back from his dad before his day next week I’ll send him a message making it clear that it’s completely unacceptable and if it happens again he won’t be having DS overnight. I’ll make it clear too that it’s his responsibility to feed him and care for him properly on his days but I don’t see anything changing. It just made so angry that it happened in the first place and if DS hadn’t told me it could have gone on for god knows how long. I’m furious that he specifically said he “can’t afford” it as well, DS was noticeably upset when he told me. I grew up with the weight of my mum’s financial issues on my shoulders and it was horrible. I don’t think that kind of thing should be put on a child ever - fair enough saying you can’t afford a PS5 or the new iPhone but not the bare minimum of food.

Thanks again for the replies and advice.

I'm sorry he sounds like such an arse. Even if he doesn't ever top up the account, if you get more money via CMS it stops you being out of pocket. Is there someone you can speak to if you're worried about him being abusive?

You must be so upset about it and frustrated with your ex. I’d be fuming. especially the part that he told DS there wasn’t £2 for breakfast club and then dropped him early to hang about knowing he didn’t have the funds to go in. As if he doesn’t have £2 and if so then he should approach you to find a solution. Agree with you it feels abusive.

Id email him so you have a record
State your disappointment and remind him that involving DS even tangentially on disputes is unfair.
Remind him that feeding/providing for DS on his days is his responsibility and if he honestly feels the £2 is part of the maintenance then you suggest you go down the formal CMS route and confirm things as you can’t risk him upsetting DS again.
Let him know you keep a record of how many times you financially provide for your DS on days he is responsible for him plus all the extras like clothes etc and in the future how would he feel if DS were to see that record and how might he view his dad?

Why are some parents so awful about their kids? It’s truly horrible.

I'm confused. It sounds like a 60/40 arrangement do on that basis, £250 seems quite fair. I assume you're getting CB and even maybe tax credits. If that's the case, I don't see why he should be paying anything more.

Cms. Take control. As it is he has it.

Utter twat.

I mentioned his partner (who is not new and who is very nice) to highlight the fact that not only is he making considerably more money than me he also has another adult contributing towards household bills. Yet he apparently cannot afford £2 to ensure his child is safe and fed. I make less money and do not share my household bills with anyone but would still manage to pay £2. That’s my only point, his partner has no responsibility for DS and I would never bring her in to this situation.

If you want more money from him go through CMS. It’s an easy process if you know his details. You’re making things more complicated than they need to be.

Frankly if he is going to start arsing around about breakfast club and school lunches, I would tell him you are putting in a proper CMS claim and will cover his share of those things from the increased maintenance. I bet he changes his mind pretty quick