TIRED OF BEING THE WEEKDAY FRIEND

[Ruby2328]

just need to know am I being unreasonable or not, I have a friend who only ever asks me to do things on weekdays like go for lunch early in the day for an hour or two etc. the only days they’ll ever plan to meet with me is Monday or Tuesday, but then she’ll go out every weekend with her other friends for drinks or to do something fun like nights away, I’m starting to feel like I’m only there for her when she’s bored with nothing else to do, it’s starting to bother me how she will never ask me to do anything with her on the weekends but makes time for her other friends on the weekend, has anyone else been through anything similar? If so what did you do about it?

Do you ever make the arrangements?

Don't either of you work during the week? Just say no you're not available but you are free at the weekend and see what she says. If nothing changes then find a new friend.

What happens if you ask her to do something with you at the weekend? Does she say no? Or are you just waiting for her to plan all your meet ups?

So what happens when you suggest things on the weekends? It’s sounding like you default to her doing a lot of the planning.

I also don’t think it’s bad to have different friends for different things. Just because you don’t go out on the weekend or for nights away doesn’t mean you aren’t friends.

Are her other friends part of groups who organise stuff? I am more likely to do nights out or weekends away with groups of friends, and more likely to meet individual friends for lunch etc. It doesn't mean I like one more than the other.

I don't like to mix friendship groups, so I wouldn't invite an individual friend to join an existing group arrangement.

I'm a weekday friend. My weekends are for family and bigger plans but catching up with people I do during the week while kids are in nursery and I'm not working

When I ask about the weekends she just tells me she’s busy? Will never invite me, like I don’t mean every weekend but once in a while it would be nice rather than just during the week

She's put your friendship in a certain box or category. If this doesn't suit you, opt out of the friendship. I had a certain friendship which became 'coffee and therapy' only so I withdrew from it. It lacked variety and I didn't want to be a yellow pages friend.

@Caroffee im glad you put how you felt first, I feel like I’m in the exact same situation, every time we meet we have our kids with us, but yet she’ll organise a baby sitter to go out with other friends, I just would love to go out with her and do something different but it’s always just a quick lunch date or a walk around the shops

You've been B-listed. Happened to me once. I finally twigged when I was asked to babysit my friend's kids while she went out with her 'fun' friends.

She's not my friend anymore (for this and a myriad of other reasons)

@DollyPartonsBeard oh god that’s just so rude! I hope you’re okay op❤️ It’s a horrible feeling, makes you question yourself, like am I really that boring 😅

Bless you, Ruby, I'm fine - this was a good few years ago, and actually stepping away made space for me to spend time with people who valued my company.

@DollyPartonsBeard im glad you got over them, I think I’ll have to do the same! X

You're a mum friend.
There's nothing wrong with what she's done. The friendship is fulfilling something for her and you're wanting more.
But you're not going to get it from her.
That's not her fault

You're choices are either be happy with what you have with her and find another friend for weekend stuff or end the friendship.

I had a friend that would come with me to certain exhibitions because I had a membership card. I asked her if she'd like to go to a different exhibition (where I didn't have a membership card), and she declined because (she even told me) she had another friend who could get her in there for free. She then went on to explain how she goes to different exhibitions with different friends so she never has to pay! Never paid for a cup of coffee afterwards, either. So she's not a friend any more, once I realised she was a freeloader and she saw me as a free ticket but nothing more.

However, if it suits you to have some company on certain days, that's fine. If you feel you are only a "friend" when her other friends are busy and you are unhappy with this arrangement, it's legitimate to end the friendship.

@CactusBlossom awh that’s awful and the fact she made it so clear is crazy, surely if you’re doing those sort of things you wouldn’t go telling them 🤯 I hope you’re okay, thank you op

Yanbu! It's frustrating. I'm working ft and friends used to do this. It's tiring and then at the weekend you're left doing nothing and it feels flat. I'm such a people pleaser that it really went against the grain for me but I did turn now a few weekday suggestions. The old me would have had the FEAR that I'd never hear from the friend again but I just thought, no, going out after work on a monday doesn't work for ME, why do I always agree to it?! I've got better though. I do what I want to do now.

I’m guilty of this I guess. Since having my baby I have made ‘mum’ friends who I spend weekdays with and weekends I see my other long term friends/friendship group.

I tried to once invite one mum friend in with my group and all she talked about was her kids. Not her fault but my friends are a bit free spirited, career driven and have no kids as yet. So she didn’t really fit in but I felt ‘responsible’ for making sure she had a good time on the night out so rather than have fun I was trying to make sure she felt comfortable.

since then I haven’t tried to integrate any ‘mum’ friends in with my lot.
they are great and I do like them, but more for lunch and coffee with the kids during the week.

same way I have friends for political conversations and others for talk about all things beauty, reality tv and other trash talk. Love them all but different basis of friendship.

I wouldn’t take it personal OP.

Thank you @Ruby2328 I'm fine, this was many years ago now...I was grateful that she told me because I didn't feel remotely guilty not asking her ever again!

That’s quite a clinical view of friendship, I doubt many people would ascribe to it.

I had a similar but not quite the same situation. A ‘friend’ would only meet me in her neighborhood (which at the time was over an hour and 2 buses away) but I noticed she would go all over with other friends. One night I really nicely but firmly insisted that we meet more central, she said ok, and when I got there she rings to say ‘I’m running late, not left home yet. Tell you what, jump on the bus down to mine’. I went home.

I disagree. Another person above is the same and its something most people I know have.

School mum friends, work friends, couple friends.

The OP is not a weekend adult only friend. This isn't a bad thing she needs to go and find someone who fulfills the friendship she needs.

That’s quite a clinical view of friendship, I doubt many people would ascribe to it.

I do agree with it, personally. I have different friends for different things and I think that's fine.

Do you have other friends to do stuff with on the weekend? I have a friend like yours, she fits me in in the week and tells me about trips away, nights out etc she's done with other friends. It used to bug me to be honest that she never included me (I was new to the area and didn't know anyone), so I made a concerted effort to make other friends. Years later I have a group of friends I do stuff with at weekends and trips away etc. I still see my weekday friend and just accept our friendship for what it is. She obviously didn't want any more than a coffee and catch up friend.

Oh I don’t doubt that she’s factually correct and that some (few) people can clinically put their friends in certain boxes.

I don’t think, for example in OP’s case, that it’s very pleasant to be boxed into ‘Monday coffee break only’ especially as her friend might be surprised to discover she’s great fun on the weekend sans kids.