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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say stop asking me to work for nothing?

41 replies

Poorartist · 20/08/2022 20:29

NC in case my mother goes snooping.

I am as my name suggests a poor artist, I also have three children and a useless ex who disappears whenever it’s time to pay maintenance for his 3 kids. I currently supplement my income working in a coffee shop for the flexibility and to pay my bills as painting alone does not make enough. I am none the less reasonably successful and my work is getting more well known within the art world but it’s not enough yet to go full time self employed.

The problem is my mother. She is always telling her friends I’ll do paintings or drawings for them or design logos or leaflets for their business… for free!! (I’m not a graphic designer)

She has now fallen out with me after my refusing for the hundredth time to do work for free for some friend or other. She just doesn’t understand how much research, time and effort goes into painting and expects them
churned out like she sees on sped up TikTok videos. Apparently I shame her by refusing and I’m a terrible and selfish daughter but I she shames herself by offering my services without my consent.

AIBU to refuse to do these freebies because exposure doesn’t pay the bills?

yabu - it’s just a favour for your mum’s friends don’t be so selfish

yanbu - your mum is being selfish and should
learn to paint for herself if she wants her friends to have freebies

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 20/08/2022 20:32

YANBU at all of course. Nobody could think you are. Have you explained to your mum exactly how many hours each request would take and what that would mean for your life?

Original poster
Poorartist · 20/08/2022 20:35

UWhatNow · 20/08/2022 20:32

YANBU at all of course. Nobody could think you are. Have you explained to your mum exactly how many hours each request would take and what that would mean for your life?

I have explained and that’s when she gets angry with me.

OP posts:
ohCARP · 20/08/2022 20:35

YANBU.

My husband is a builder (plumber by trade) and everyone seems to think this means freebies for them or that when they move house they can just use his van. Meanwhile our house is unfinished because he just doesn't have time. People get so snotty when you say no don't they!

Your mum is out of order.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/08/2022 20:54

I used to be a designer. Everything takes bloody ages, even though it doesn’t look like it.

l’d feel the same in your shoes.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 20/08/2022 20:57

If its so easy then suggest she has a go at it! Or can you start to offer her services for random things so she understands how frustrating it is?

Thepossibility · 20/08/2022 21:01

I'd ask for who is going to pay my bills and keep a roof over her grandchildren's heads while you are doing freebies for her mates, with an outraged expression on your face. Over and over, not deviating from it.

BashfulClam · 20/08/2022 21:02

Mil is like this, not with skills but because we have a car. She and her close friends don’t drive but don’t worry we can be unpaid taxi drivers can’t we? Nope not happening.

BashfulClam · 20/08/2022 21:03

It the volunteering you that is the cheekiest part!

category12 · 20/08/2022 21:06

Be quite firm with her that you will refuse any of her friends' requests unless it's a paid assignment (no discounts) and you will feel no compunction in sending them back to her and making her look bad if she keeps offering your services.

Pollianne · 20/08/2022 21:12

Yanbu. Your mum is totally out of order. I see a lot of artists online saying they get fed up of people wanting free or very cheap originals. One of them shared this meme.

AIBU to say stop asking me to work for nothing?
Fortuny · 20/08/2022 21:13

She doesn't respect you or your career. YANBU.

Floogal · 20/08/2022 21:15

Funnily enough this was on Emerdale the other day. Ethan's boyfriend charged for his electric work. The arguments he gave for not giving freebies made sense

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/08/2022 21:20

I have explained and that’s when she gets angry with me

"Sorry you feel that way" and walk away

Frankly this sounds as much about a wish to control you as to get freebies for her friends, and as a mum of 3 yourself I wouldn't tolerate that

templesit · 21/08/2022 05:19

Yanbu at all.

My mother once put my name forward for a relative (I hardly knew) to be a guarantor when he moved into his new home (rented). Conversations were had between my mother and him where she spoke about me helping him a while before she 'told' me infront of him the plan in a way I couldn't back out of without looking like I didn't care for family (I was on good money and able to save a fair bit and she said how bad this looked if I didn't do it).

I did it (reluctantly) and guess who foot the big bill at the end when it fell through?

The best bit is my mother a few years later fell out with this family member saying she had never liked him Hmm

Stay firm op you are right.

PoseyFlump · 21/08/2022 06:06

I did it (reluctantly) and guess who foot the big bill at the end when it fell through?

I'm truly shocked by the control some mothers have over their children that they could convince them to do this!

SaintHelena · 21/08/2022 06:50

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 20/08/2022 20:57

If its so easy then suggest she has a go at it! Or can you start to offer her services for random things so she understands how frustrating it is?

Yes, haha. Tell her she is cleaning the local hall once a week, you thought she'd like helping out.

VerveClique · 21/08/2022 07:02

Just say…

”Sorry mum, I’m running a business here and I don’t do freebies.”

Say this also to anytime she has promised your work to:

” Oh I think my mum has the wrong end of the stick. I actually don’t do work for free. Happy to chat through for 10 mins though if that helps?”

And repeat.

weathervane1 · 21/08/2022 07:14

I'm in a similar situation in that I used to work in IT until I retired. Now I can't go to the pub without someone thrusting a laptop under my nose to give it a free repair. Bloody annoying. In your case, it's not just that your Mum is enjoying her small moment of fame by offering favours that you are expected to fulfil rather than her, but whilst you are doing all of this free work, you're using up time that you could be using for actual paid work. In a way, your Mum is inadvertently diminishing the value of what you do - or more probably, doesn't realise just how valuable your time is. Maybe next time, get her to sit with you during the entire process so that she can understand how long it takes and how skilful you are? Or give her a small commission for every paid job she brings in...

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 07:20

VerveClique · 21/08/2022 07:02

Just say…

”Sorry mum, I’m running a business here and I don’t do freebies.”

Say this also to anytime she has promised your work to:

” Oh I think my mum has the wrong end of the stick. I actually don’t do work for free. Happy to chat through for 10 mins though if that helps?”

And repeat.

Good idea, could generate you some business

dottiedodah · 21/08/2022 08:14

Oh mum by the way, I told julie and clare you could baby sit for free every other Saturday night. See how she likes it.it never fails to amaze me how some parents seem to undervalue their children's work tbh.friends are cf too.no doubt they would buy you a 'present " to say thank you!sod that yanbu at all

Tiani4 · 21/08/2022 08:21

"No Mum it's my job, it pays my bills... I will tell everyone you ask to contact me my chargeable rates and they sign a contract before I accept their Art commission. ... So if you promise them that I will work for free, you will continue to look foolish. You'd nor more ask a builder to build you a free house or a surgeon to work all week for free operating on people. Pack it the fake promises to other people, only send me paying customers that appreciate I set my rates not you. I don't do mates rates either as I don't have time to work for less."

Soproudoflionesses · 21/08/2022 08:23

Someone has probably already said this but if you were a cleaner, would she make you clean friend's houses for free?!
Of course not.
Tell her to jog on!

LadyCampanulaTottington · 21/08/2022 08:29

Send her this

OoglyMoogly · 21/08/2022 08:35

Lovely 👏😎

AIBU to say stop asking me to work for nothing?
Tiani4 · 21/08/2022 08:36

Yanbu btw

I used to paint and draw for fun, and accepted commissions whilst at uni to pay my way. It was hard to fit it in but would give me the odd £70-120 here or there when I really needed it.

But it was shocking how many people 'told' me I could 'just' knock them out a free painting or drawing for their wall because they knew a 'friend of a friend' of mine... or it was their birthday or girlfriends birthday so just paint a picture of ...
or even those who wanted to give me a tenner (apparently that's "mate's rates") for what would be several days worth of work - & often well over £15-20 in art materials - and an original piece of work.
Astonishing how people under value art

I even had someone give my friends and I a lift once (as they were driving that way anyway) so the other 3 of us gave him a fiver between us for petrol (it was a 7 mile journey) and he said "nah don't worry about the money - Tiani can paint me a picture of (the city we were in) like the one in (my room) ..."

Luckily my friends told him to take the petrol money as no lift was worth a £200+ original painting that'd take a week to do. It's ridiculous as I had essays and assignments to do too and people I barely knew thought they could steal my time and my skills. Shock