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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I am money hungry...?

35 replies

jabbajabba1 · 20/08/2022 18:27

Looking for objective opinions and advice here...

My DP is a nice guy, who really cares for me.. But has made some bad decisions with money in the past.

The issue is, that I make most of the money. I didn’t go to uni, have any family help or come from much. So I think I have worked really hard to get here.
And I paid for the deposit on our home last year. I'm just looking for the stability my upbringing didn't provide.
DP has a contract job at the moment and wants to start a business. But whenever I ask him, what’s happening with his job/ financial plans. He changes the subject, or says it's looking good... Or gets defensive. And tells me I’m money hungry and should go meet a banker if all I want is money.

We/I want kids. But I’m scared I'll be forced to provide and look after them. While DP chases his dream. But I’m also hoping that some success is around the corner for him, cause he is smart.

I just want some financial security and an equal partnership. I’m 35 now, 36 in April and fear it’s too late to leave. Especially if I want kids.

AIBU and just being money hungry?

OP posts:
NiqueNique · 20/08/2022 18:29

It’s never going to be an equal partnership. This is who he is, so be very careful about having children with him if financial stability and sharing the load is important to you.

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/08/2022 18:30

Wanting financial security is not being money hungry. If he can't sit down and have a mature conversation about finances then do you really want to be bringing a child into that dynamic? What about when you have to discuss nursery fees, sports club membership, new clothes...is he going to just keep calling you money hungry and you'll pay for it all? How would your mat leave be funded?

Bubblebubblebah · 20/08/2022 18:33

Don't be that future poster who says "i am fucked. I do everything, care for kids, work full time while dp is sitting on his arse and doing minimum and I am probably stuck now. Is it a new change? No. He was always like that"

HollowTalk · 20/08/2022 18:42

You are absolutely right to be worried and you are absolutely right to put your financial security first. If someone who is bad with money is very vague about it then that is an incredibly bad sign.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 20/08/2022 18:46

Have a child if that's what you want and he is not abusive. But prepared for the relationship not to last the distance if that is his attitude to communicating and being a grown up. I wouldn't marry him if I were the breadwinner either.

Original poster
jabbajabba1 · 20/08/2022 18:56

I have some savings for mat leave. And get some covered by work.

I just keep hoping he's going through a bad patch and something good will come along.

Well at least that's what I tell myself..

OP posts:
Orangello · 20/08/2022 19:01

I assume he is in his mid-30s too? If he has no concrete plans but only some dreams and says you're money-hungry whenever you ask about it, then that will not change. good things don't just 'come along', you need to work to make them happen, and he doesn't seem to want to.

Yes highly likely you will be responsibe for bills and he will be waiting for his big break or working on some non-starter project, and accuse you of nagging and not believing in him.

toffeechai · 20/08/2022 19:03

His attitude to money sounds really worrying and I’d be more concerned about that than the actual amount he earns.

I wasted a chunk of my life with someone who refused to have honest adult conversations about money, was shifty and evasive when asked about it, lacked a decent work ethic and turned out to have lied and hidden debts.

His comments about you being money hungry are really worrying.

It’s not too late to leave and find someone else.

wonderingwhatsnext · 20/08/2022 19:04

I married a man like this. It lasted two years before I saw that he was basically unreliable. Nice, fun but not an adult attitude to money/work/providing his half of the family income. It's no fun being the only grown up in a relationship.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 20/08/2022 19:12

OP,
You said
"My DP is a nice guy, who really cares for me.. But has made some bad decisions with money in the past.
The issue is, that I make most of the money. I didn’t go to uni, have any family help or come from much. So I think I have worked really hard to get here.
And I paid for the deposit on our home last year. I'm just looking for the stability my upbringing didn't provide."

Well, to be brutally frank you aren't going to get it from him.

It seems he has some hare-brained scheme for some business that he won't discuss with you. Big.red.flag.

In the meantime you are living in a home that you paid the deposit on - he's got it made hasn't he?

As you aren't married it will be relatively easy to cut your losses and find someone who wants to be an equal partner.

And please, please, do not have a child with this man until he shows he can provide financially for both of you.

Youdoyoutoday · 20/08/2022 19:17

You're never going to get security from a man you can't even talk to about it! If he changes the subject, you need to be firmer!
However, the fact that he avoids the subject rings so many alarm bells for me!

Original poster
jabbajabba1 · 20/08/2022 20:30

Thank you - Appreciate the responses.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/08/2022 20:34

I'm just looking for the stability my upbringing didn't provide.

It’s not a shameful thing to prioritise this in a relationship, in your life.

Your current partner might be lovely, but he’s fundamentally incompatible with you in this regard. He will not change.

If you have children with him, or otherwise financially tether yourself to him, then do it eyes wide open and understanding what you’re letting yourself in for. Don’t just hope for the best. He won’t change.

Royalbloo · 20/08/2022 20:34

No, you're just asking for some reassurance about YOUR financial situation and future.

Royalbloo · 20/08/2022 20:35

Added to what NoSquirrels said, even though I love squirrels

SkirridHill · 20/08/2022 21:17

I've been with someone, and had a baby with, someone who had the potential to earn a lot of money but simply chose not to. There was always going to be money coming in, I just had to wait and see. In the meantime I stepped up my own work and was the primary bill payer.

It was, of course, a disaster in the making, and it came to a head within the first weeks of maternity leave when not only did he spectacularly fail to step up and take over the reins financially, he got me into serious debt after years of avoiding it.

I'll never buy my own home and my career is basically shafted.

Geppili · 20/08/2022 21:20

Listen to this thread.

secular39 · 20/08/2022 21:21

I don't understand. Is your DP working? Is he staying that he wants to start a business but hasn't put this into practice?

CactusBlossom · 20/08/2022 21:22

"We/I want kids. But I’m scared I'll be forced to provide and look after them. While DP chases his dream. But I’m also hoping that some success is around the corner for him, cause he is smart."

It sounds like you want very different things from life. Time to move on if you really want children.

godmum56 · 20/08/2022 21:24

jabbajabba1 · 20/08/2022 18:56

I have some savings for mat leave. And get some covered by work.

I just keep hoping he's going through a bad patch and something good will come along.

Well at least that's what I tell myself..

yeah...wake up and stop telling yourself. he is not good parenting or partner material

cannypants · 20/08/2022 21:35

My ExH was self employed- still is - worked his arse off in a business that was/probably still isn't viable. I had to work f/t through 2 x DC's childhood's and still accumulated a tonne of debt trying to make ends meet. Only managed to clear it on divorce and selling our home.

Do not have children with anyone who is financially irresponsible. You'll spend your life trying to hold everything together and will forgo so much

KohlaParasaurus · 20/08/2022 21:37

Whether you are "money hungry" or not, and I wouldn't regard that as a bad thing when you've had a financially unstable upbringing and want something better for your own child(ren), your DP is absolutely financially unreliable. Conflict about money is high up on the list of reasons why couples break up, and if it's bothering you now it will be a massive problem if you have children together. His "business" is likely to be at best a pipe dream and at worst a way of fobbing you off when you try to discuss his work situation. If he was going to be a successful entrepreneur, he would know exactly what he was going to do and would already be doing it. I'd also be a little bit worried about concealed debts.

If he wasn't a nice guy the answer would be easy.

glamourousindierockandroll · 20/08/2022 21:57

@jabbajabba1 I was accused of this by a partner in my 20s. I had graduated and was earning around £20k entry level in my chosen field but had decent progression ahead. He meanwhile couldn't hold down a minimum wage job, or stick to a college course for longer than 6 months: the last one was pot washing in a pub.

After too long falling for his tales of getting a career in IT, fonding debt letters hidden down the sofa and him cajoling me to take out contracts in my name because he couldn't get credit, I finally snapped and told him that it wasn't the life I saw for myself or my future children. He wasn't dependable or an equal partner, and I wanted someone who could give me the same stability that I could offer in return. Apparently that made me a materialistic money grabber, so there we are!

I am married now to a man who earns roughly what I do in a stable job. We have a mortgage and children and while we aren't rolling in cash, we can pay our bills.

Talia99 · 20/08/2022 22:12

So he’s happy for you to financially support him but you are the one who is “money hungry”? I don’t think so.

The fact he earns much less than you isn’t necessarily an issue. The fact he is trying to gaslight you into thinking you are the one being unreasonable most definitely is.

If you have children, I suspect you will end up doing most of the child care as he will be far too busy ‘getting his (non-profitable) business off the ground.

DogsAndGin · 20/08/2022 22:21

He’s made bad money decisions, had a contract job and is getting his ‘business off the ground’ - and you thought it was a good idea to buy a house with this guy?!

Please tell me he’s not on the deeds. Or if he is, you went for a tenancy in common? If not; then you’re already on a slippery slope to him being legally entitled to half of your hard earned assets.

And now you’ve ‘saved up for mat leave’ 😳😳😳😳 he cannot provide for himself, let alone for you and children. You will have to go back to work immediately as you’ll have no income. Is that what you want? All for just a ‘nice guy’?

I think the best idea is the one he suggested himself - leave this chump and go and find yourself a nice guy who is also a rich guy. Not because you’re a ‘gold digger’, but because you deserve an equal, not a man-child.

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