Beginning of a holiday disaster?

[Idunnowhyibother]

I have just driven 3.5 hours to get to the holiday cottage with OH and Ddog - it's beautiful and comfy and I'm tired (OH doesn't drive). Also had to then dash back out and buy some food etc once dog was settled in. I'm currently curled up on the s9fa unwinding and reading a book. But OH has been paddleboarding already and is now back out with the dog. He's surly and short tempered and I feel it is directed at me because 'I don't want to do anything'. AIBU to want to ditch him for the week, fuck off back home and actually have a relaxing break from ferrying him around and caretaking Ddog who much prefers OH's company to mine?

Being the adult is knackering. I made sandwiches and brought snacks for our journey home as I knew kids would be hangry as would Dh. Cue much harrumphing about me taking ages to set off but who asked for food first? Yup. DH.
Holidays are bastard hard work

No, I mean you plural...hence the "yourselves".
I think deciding on a holiday destination should be a joint decision.

God, @XelaM , what a pointless story. It's totally irrelevant to the op's situation.

Op, I hope the holiday improves! I hope dh is doing all the dog walking, feeding and cooking??!

Do you do the cooking at home?
If yes, do you have to take his finicky eating into account?

Don’t worry at all about a few saying you’re being dramatic. Most of us know how mentally draining it can be if one sided and would put the onus on the person doing nothing, not vice versa!

3.5 hours IS a long drive if, like the OP said about herself, you’re an anxious driver and don’t do a lot of it.

Hope you had a better night OP!

I think we have differing ideas of a holiday tbh - and we have chatted loads about this one in the run up. I know (and did say several times) I will be knackered the first few days - not from the drive but from an accumulation of stress at work that has had me on my knees at times so this shouldn't be a shock to him! Someone suggested looking for a holiday for just myself - have already found one 😀
Solo cabin with hot tub by a lake. My next proposed leave is end of October so will fight hard to take it. In reality I can't afford it but it's nice to dream....but it got me thinking about what I want (just for myself). And the scary answer to that is solitude...

I think you have to ask why he's "surly and short tempered" with you on the first day of a holiday. I think a 3.5 hr drive is stressful and it sounds as if you're carrying the mental load.
You don't sound very compatible. I think it's time to have some proper conversations about the way forward.

OP my DH and I initially found holidays to be the biggest source of conflict in our relationship, because we want / need very different things from a holiday. We've been getting better and better at it in terms of compromising, half of what one wants to do, half of what the other does. I 100% get your need to relax and read a book and shut down (and maybe even solitude). I don't think I'll ever get my husband to like spending time at the beach (which I love) but he also quite likes sitting inside not doing much for his 'downtime' bit of the holiday - I don't really get that, but if he's happy doing that or something else whilst I go tot the beach then so be it. He has come round to sun loungers and pools to a certain extent so that's a small win. I still don't feel I get sufficient amount of 'lying by the sea, doing nothing at all except reading a book maybe snoozing and then having a swim in the sea before more lying by the sea' that I really crave but am working on it....

Oh gosh, I’m afraid I’d be a bit like your DH. I hate the idea of going away from home to just sit in a different house on a sofa with a book. I already have a house that I can sit in and do nothing if I need some down time. Holidays (in my book) are for doing and seeing different things.

But then, if you’re the type of person who does enjoy a holiday of lounging around, I’d have already discussed that with you and I’d be on holiday with someone else.

Have you been on holiday together before? Did you discuss expectations?

Talk to your DP again this morning about what you'd agreed in advance.
You're in what sounds like a lovely cottage now, so rather than dreaming about future holidays ( but please do book something for October- if you can bear to scrap the hot tub you'll find prices a lot more reasonable even for good locations if it's outside school holidays) think about what would make you happy today.

Tell your DP that's what you want to do and he can join you or take his dog on an all day hike if he prefers something more energetic.

How can people possibly know what is or isn't stressful for you OP? If you say it's stressful then it's fucking stressful. End of discussion. I totally sympathise for what it's worth I've come to the conclusion that a relaxing holiday for me wouldn't involve other people! Hope you still manage to salvage something from it x

It won't solve the immediate issue, but you should not be working 60 hours a week. Time to think about a new job or the issues that make it 60 hours a week being addressed so they are much less.

It's a mumsnet thing. People - particularly women - are never allowed to say that they find any aspect of driving stressful for some reason, I think it's showing weakness or something.

FWIW I would be find driving that distance on my own because I can pick where I stop and do things at my own pace, but find it much harder with DH and DDog in the car.

I'd be knackered too. Plus when I arrive in a new location I like to enjoy the cottage or hotel room and spend a bit of time in it. When we were away recently DH insisted on us rushing out of the room to sit and have a drink outside, whereas I wanted to see what the toiletries were and have a cup of tea.

OH has pulled a muscle in his neck so is pretty uncomfortable. I'm actually up for exploring today (look out al pacas!) but happy to take him out in the car if he wants. It's grey and a bit chilly today so may not dip in the sea.....once dog realised he couldn't drink it he's given it a wide berth. After receiving my utility bill via email last night I certainly won't be going on another holiday for a bit so will enjoy this one. We are getting on nicely at the moment so can't complain. Much less stressful than holidays with EXH who used to screech madly if anything went wrong!

Oh good @Idunnowhyibother I'm glad you're getting on better - although shame DP has pulled a muscle.

I do generally find the first day of holidays stressful, not so bad now for UK breaks but I find being the grown up for foreign holidays quite a big responsibility particularly with all the covid gubbins needed and we invariably have a bit of a heated chat before we reach the airport.

I think joint holidays can be really overrated as people like different things ... but it has taken me nearly 34 years of married life to realise that and accept that holidaying on your own is just so much more relaxing! My DH is like the OP's and would want to be skiing, hiking, cycling etc but whilst I prefer pottering around new towns, coffee shops and sunbathing... last Holiday we actually travelled separately which I know is ridiculously expensive and not at all green friendly but it meant that we could each do our own thing.

I genuinely struggled away with DH earlier this year. The dogs were unsettled and took about 3 days to wind down.... we had to get a vet to check the youngest over as she was hyperventilating so badly. DH's idea was to sleep 23/7 and I'd booked somewhere on a coastal path so we could walk. I ended up nagging and cajoling to come out and he spent most of it harrumping about not being relaxing.......

We've got a week off next month and I've refused to book anywhere - he's not happy about that either but if we're at home, he can sleep and I can get on with something else.

If he wants something to do he could take driving lessons.

This. It sounds like you don't talk to each other. Why don't you use the holiday time to reconnect?

He's surly and short tempered and I feel it is directed at me because 'I don't want to do anything

Have you asked him why he’s being like that? Has he thanked you for driving/sorting the holiday? What’s he doing in return (I pack suitcase for holidays and DH loads the car and drives), or is he just letting you do it all?

I get this as a fellow driver who isn't that keen on it, who drives non-driver DH on holiday! This sounds really similar to our first holiday together. Previously I'd holidayed with elderly mum, so took a pile of books on holiday and barely did anything. DH, who does a lot of sitting reading in his normal life, suddenly became hyper-active on holiday and wanted to visit at least 3 places per day. I put my foot down after the trip to 3 NT properties in one day!

We deal with it now by:
Always holidaying somewhere with shops, restaurants within walking distance. Means he can go and get stuff without me having to get involved.
Day after journey and day before leaving we do not drive anywhere. We've had some lovely days out exploring by public transport or walking in local area.
I get some downtime just sitting reading, which is what I enjoy doing.
Try and make sure we both get a chance to do things we enjoy on holiday - for a week away that's a couple of days each.

3.5 hours is quite a long drive

@XelaM That holiday sounds nuts 😅. How much did you spend on fuel??

OP, I'm glad things are looking better. My DH was always knackered at the beginning of our holidays (he's retired now so it's no longer a problem) I use to say he needed a pre-holiday holiday.