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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a divorce? Would I be incredibly selfish?

49 replies

Confused168 · 20/08/2022 17:51

Hi,
Looking for some impartial opinions on this.
Ive been married 2 years, together for 11. We have a nice house, two DC (10 and 4) good friends and our children generally have a nice life. I am the breadwinner and earn roughly 4 x DH. He works very hard but doesn’t earn much and hasn’t sought to do anything different.
DH is a good man and will do what I ask of him but rarely uses any initiative. So I deal with all typical household / children mental work load tasks (holidays, childcare, car, insurances, appointments, childrens clubs etc) as well as managing all finances and bills. This is my own fault as I’ve taken it on because DH gets very stressed with anything administrative. He will pull his weight with household chores but I do main share of these too. He is type of person where if I give him jobs he will do them but if I don’t, nothing gets done.
Largely I’ve just accepted this is just the way life is and just get on with it but every now and then I just feel like I have a third child and totally unappreciated.
As I say DH is a good, kind man and a good dad, the kids adore him and he works hard. He says he loves me very much and I believe he does. But I find myself questioning what does he add to my life. I can manage perfectly fine on my own and to be honest life would be easier without him in many ways (he gets very stressed very easily so constantly stepping on egg shells and the house is easier to manage without an extra adult to think of.
If it wasn’t for the kids, I would have left by now. But because of them, I’ve been making the relationship work. And to be clear, they don’t know im unhappy, other than every now and then when I lose my shit, we generally have a pretty happy household.

I guess I’m just a bit fed up with doing everything and feeling under appreciated. I have been ill this week and it’s really highlighted how I’m still expected to do everything . Sometimes I just want to be with someone who cares about me and wants to make my life easier! Would ibu to leave this situation or should I carry on for the kids? I could buy him out so kids life wouldn’t be disrupted in that way but they would be very upset about separation.

OP posts:
Wombat27A · 20/08/2022 17:54

No respect left. Move on.

GoldenSpiral · 20/08/2022 17:58

If you love your DH otherwise then I would explain your feelings to him and state that you're unsure if you can continue in the relationship unless he actively seeks out treatment to manage his stress levels. Give him a reasonable deadline and see if he's willing to put in some effort to save the marriage. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

Original poster
Confused168 · 20/08/2022 18:08

I don’t think I do love him anymore. I care about him, and I don’t want him to be hurt, which I know he would be by break up as it wouldn’t be what he would want. But I don’t think im in love and have no desire to have sex with him anymore (although I do do it regularly). That’s just another thing on my to do list which im thinking would be one less if we weren’t together!

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 20/08/2022 20:41

Nothing wrong with being "selfish" when it comes to your own life, imo.

Quitelikeit · 20/08/2022 20:46

Your marriage sounds normal to me. Think very carefully about what it is you actually want from a relationship before throwing a bomb into your children’s lives

CactusBlossom · 20/08/2022 21:18

It sounds like you need to talk to each other. Many men feel emasculated by having a wife who earns more than they do, and four times is a lot more. Was it like this at the start of your marriage, or when you first knew each other?

As he will do things that you ask him to do about the house, perhaps it would be useful to have a rota of who does what. He might feel you don't need him, and I can imagine that would get him down. Find out what's making him feel stressed -- it could be a sense that he doesn't feel needed.

You seem to care about each other, but if the "spark" has gone, you need to think about how to deal with this - whether you want to reignite it, or walk away. If you walk away, you might look back and have a sense of "what have I done?"...

You say he is a good, kind man, a good dad, the children adore him and that he tells you he loves you very much. You also say:

"Sometimes I just want to be with someone who cares about me"

What would he have to do to make you feel that? It sounds like he is doing his best. OK, the "honeymoon is over", but you could do very much worse. There's a lot to be said for a good, kind man, particularly one who says he loves you very much.

Could you arrange for someone (family or friends?) to look after the DC while you two have a romantic weekend away together? It sounds you would lose more than you would gain by walking away.

To say you could "buy him out" makes it appear that you regard the relationship as a financial transaction, but there should be more to it than that. If you can get to the root cause of what is making him feel stressed (and be prepared that it could be his anxiety over the relationship) and talk about your own feelings, I hope that you will be able to build a strong foundation for a future together.

Priorityguineapig · 20/08/2022 21:46

Confused168 · 20/08/2022 18:08

I don’t think I do love him anymore. I care about him, and I don’t want him to be hurt, which I know he would be by break up as it wouldn’t be what he would want. But I don’t think im in love and have no desire to have sex with him anymore (although I do do it regularly). That’s just another thing on my to do list which im thinking would be one less if we weren’t together!

I felt exactly like this - as painful as it was - it’s time to leave!

we were together 14 years - not married but one DC.

it’s lonely but better now x

Sleepytimebear · 20/08/2022 21:55

I don't believe you should carry on in an unhappy relationship because of the children. You deserve to be happy and you shouldn't feel trapped in a relationship you don't want. If you think the relationship can be salvaged I think couples counselling would be a good idea. If you think it's over, walk away. I stayed with my exh for 5 years longer than I should have. Things just got worse and worse.

Gymnopedie · 20/08/2022 22:40

GoldenSpiral · 20/08/2022 17:58

If you love your DH otherwise then I would explain your feelings to him and state that you're unsure if you can continue in the relationship unless he actively seeks out treatment to manage his stress levels. Give him a reasonable deadline and see if he's willing to put in some effort to save the marriage. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

If you are genuinely prepared to leave if nothing changes, then this is your best plan. But you have to be very sure in your own mind that you would follow it through if he didn't step up. No 'one more chance' if he blows it, because if you do he'll feel he can just carry on and you won't do anything about it.

auick · 20/08/2022 22:50

If finances allow would you not be better off getting a nanny / housekeeper / cleaner to take the life admin stress away? If you love each other and he's a great dad and that is the main issue then perhaps try and outsource it?

It's not fair that everything falls on your shoulders and ultimately if you want the break up then you should but perhaps consider other options as well?

ReneBumsWombats · 21/08/2022 03:52

Your marriage sounds normal to me.

It doesn't to me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2022 04:01

ReneBumsWombats · 21/08/2022 03:52

Your marriage sounds normal to me.

It doesn't to me.

Doesn't to me either. Unwanted sex and constant chores? No thanks.

mycatisannoying · 21/08/2022 04:25

I would struggle to be with someone this unambitious, stressy and passive. The constant need for direction would drive me mad ... use your own initiative! None of it is attractive (well, other than being a good dad).

SpringRainbow · 21/08/2022 08:14

I could have wrote this, very similar to my situation.

I have tried to leave him but he wants me to give him time to change, he says he will sort out couples therapy.

Still waiting.

I’m just taking this time to get myself more sorted and together.

SunnyKlara · 21/08/2022 08:23

Only you can know if the marriage is truly dead for you, and it might take some time to figure that out if you have been head in the sand for a while.

In the meantime, I think you need to step away from the "fix it" role in the relationship. If you split up, or you don't, your dh is going to have to deal with more stuff. Have you say down and discussed what he needs to take ownership of?

When you do, and he gets stressed, you need to step back and not fix it. Say, "when I looked after x, i found it easier to do it y way" and that's it. Give it no more headspace. He is an adult and needs to learn to be one.

Use the extra headspace to figure out what you want.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/08/2022 08:40

My view is pretty much summed up by @SunnyKlara. I wouldn't suggest you remain in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of the children, but equally don't make any rash decisions. I know it's oft said on MN but it really does make a world of difference - therapy can help you make sense of your feelings (both with and without your husband).

Whitehorsegirl · 21/08/2022 08:48

''@Quitelikeit Your marriage sounds normal to me. Think very carefully about what it is you actually want from a relationship before throwing a bomb into your children’s lives''

Nonsense. Of course this is not normal. The OP is doing everything to keep the family going financially and in term of childcare/home admin. She has a partner who does not want to improve his work situation or do anything about addressing his stress issues. She has to ''walk on eggshells' which is certainly not normal. It sounds like she also no longer fancies or love her partner in a romantic manner either and is only staying out of a misplaced sense of duty. If you think that is what a normal marriage looks like you are the one who needs to understand what healthy relationships look like...

Back to you OP: your relationship has run its course. Your husband does not bring anything to the mix and it is not selfish to expect to be with a man who is an equal partner rather than a daily drain. He will still be in your children's lives and you will be able to have your independence. It is not healthy anyway for children to leave in a home where there is a need to ''walk on eggshell'' because a grown adult has issues that he is not addressing.

@CactusBlossom ''Many men feel emasculated by having a wife who earns more than they do.'' But that's their problem...I really don't see why you seem to believe women should bend over backwards to accommodate the moods and insecurities of the average man-child. They have the option to find a better job if not being the main bread-winner bothers them or to grow up and understand that women should be able to have their success at work celebrated. You whole post is about what the OP should do to improve the situation and how she should in the end be happy to put up with it. There are two people in this relationship, it is not her job to make everything happen. The whole point is that she has a partner who simply does not carry his weight or bring anything positive and she is perfectly right to decide she has outgrown this relationship and no longer wants to live this way.

neverbeenskiing · 21/08/2022 08:55

I'm curious, you say you've been together 11 years but only got married 2 years ago. Can I ask what prompted that if you're unhappy in the relationship? Or is this a more recent thing and you felt things were good between you a couple of years ago? The reason I ask is because if it's only the last couple of years you've felt like this could it be partly due to the after-effects of lockdown and the stress that came with it? I don't think you would be "selfish" to end the marriage either way if you're unhappy, but if this is a temporary blip rather than being chronically unhappy then that's something that could be worked on if you were both wanting to.

bloodyunicorns · 21/08/2022 08:59

Quitelikeit · 20/08/2022 20:46

Your marriage sounds normal to me. Think very carefully about what it is you actually want from a relationship before throwing a bomb into your children’s lives

Really??? Having sex you don't want is normal? Doing everything is normal? Walking on eggshells around your partner is normal??

None of this is normal. Your ideas are totally skewed.

bloodyunicorns · 21/08/2022 09:02

It sounds like he says the right this -he loves you - without doing any of the things that would show this - doing his share of chores, looking after you when you're I'll, sharing the mental load.

You need to talk to him. If you think there's no way back and you've reached the end of the road, tell him. If you want him to do his share and sort out his stress, which is affecting you, spell this out. Be very clear that this is his last chance. See if he steps up.

But you deserve to be happy. It's not selfish to end your marriage for these reasons. 💐

ChristmasFluff · 21/08/2022 09:13

I divorced I felt like this - never regretted it. My life WAS easier without him.

ReadtheReviews · 21/08/2022 09:37

Semi seriously-I would take a month's sabbatical somewhere else. Doesn't have to cost a fortune, could do working holiday abroad. And let him cope with it all himself. Just say you're fed up with the mental.load and need a break. Stay in touch with the children over video call. Gives you a taste of freedom and him a kick.

MrsR87 · 21/08/2022 09:43

Quitelikeit · 20/08/2022 20:46

Your marriage sounds normal to me. Think very carefully about what it is you actually want from a relationship before throwing a bomb into your children’s lives

It really doesn’t sound like a normal marriage to me.

I've been married 9 years, together for 17 and I have never felt how OP is describing.

what I do feel is a vast amount of respect and love from my partner. I’ve been in and out of hospital for the past two weeks (10 nights in total) and my DH has just got on with looking after our 21 month old, the housework, visiting, working full time etc and hasn’t moaned to me once…he did find the time to grab me some Percy Pig sweets though 😍

thetombliboo · 21/08/2022 09:43

*Sometimes I just want to be with someone who cares about me and makes my life easier!
*
Honestly your life will definitely not be easier when you have to co parent!
Especially if you're looking for another relationships. You could find the perfect person but i's not that easy anymore. You have young kids, they could have kids or want them and you're starting again, it's a really stressful minefield and blended families are hard.

It sounds like you want the passion and that's completely understandable and I think this is really common in most marriages

In this situation I wouldn't leave until the younger child is older and much easier in terms of co parenting if you want to experience relationships. Make changes if you can / want to for DH be more independent financially and to get your affairs in order.

Liz1tummypain · 21/08/2022 09:45

I couldn’t say if YBU or if YNBU. Do you love him? If you do, can he be trained up to do some of the boring admin, clubs, insurance tasks? There are a lot of not-so-nice men out there and if you’ve got a nice man, a good dad and you care for him even though he needs improvement/ a boot up the behind, I wouldn’t jump out of it so soon. All the best.