To want a divorce? Would I be incredibly selfish?

[Confused168]

Hi,
Looking for some impartial opinions on this.
Ive been married 2 years, together for 11. We have a nice house, two DC (10 and 4) good friends and our children generally have a nice life. I am the breadwinner and earn roughly 4 x DH. He works very hard but doesn’t earn much and hasn’t sought to do anything different.
DH is a good man and will do what I ask of him but rarely uses any initiative. So I deal with all typical household / children mental work load tasks (holidays, childcare, car, insurances, appointments, childrens clubs etc) as well as managing all finances and bills. This is my own fault as I’ve taken it on because DH gets very stressed with anything administrative. He will pull his weight with household chores but I do main share of these too. He is type of person where if I give him jobs he will do them but if I don’t, nothing gets done.
Largely I’ve just accepted this is just the way life is and just get on with it but every now and then I just feel like I have a third child and totally unappreciated.
As I say DH is a good, kind man and a good dad, the kids adore him and he works hard. He says he loves me very much and I believe he does. But I find myself questioning what does he add to my life. I can manage perfectly fine on my own and to be honest life would be easier without him in many ways (he gets very stressed very easily so constantly stepping on egg shells and the house is easier to manage without an extra adult to think of.
If it wasn’t for the kids, I would have left by now. But because of them, I’ve been making the relationship work. And to be clear, they don’t know im unhappy, other than every now and then when I lose my shit, we generally have a pretty happy household.

I guess I’m just a bit fed up with doing everything and feeling under appreciated. I have been ill this week and it’s really highlighted how I’m still expected to do everything . Sometimes I just want to be with someone who cares about me and wants to make my life easier! Would ibu to leave this situation or should I carry on for the kids? I could buy him out so kids life wouldn’t be disrupted in that way but they would be very upset about separation.

Not selfish. Not wrong.
But divorce is shit. The household practical stuff is easier but the subtle shift in ho
But I'd start with counselling. Put a bomb under him, rock the boat big time.

Sorry... The subtle shift in how your friends treat you can be hard.
You will still have him in your life til the kids turn 18. Still be sorting stuff out for him in terms of doing the mental Admin because otherwise the kids will suffer.
He won't disappear.
I would really try to get him to sort himself out and that's where the counselling comes in.
And if it doesn't then you can use it to talk about how you're going to coparent going forward

Just to caution you may loose lots of friends if you divorce. They normally tend to choose or give you both a wide berth afterwards. It sounds like you have a mother child dynamic with him. Perhaps change the way you relate to him and the whole dynamic will shift? Sometimes better the devil you know.

Does your dh know how you feel? Have you thought about couples counselling? My marriage is over because of an affair however we did do couples counselling (when I was desperately trying to save it) and it did actually help with issues you state above. for us I felt I was left to do everything for him he felt he wasn't allowed to do anything as I micro managed what he did do. It really helped us express issues without pointing the finger and getting defensive. If you are unsure it's worth giving it a go but no it is not selfish to want a divorce or to get one. Happy parents are what children need

I agree if you’re unhappy and you say the kids don’t know? They do! They pick up on these things.
If you divorce and buy him out he’ll have the kids at least once a week and every other weekend - this will free up your time massively and give you the break you need or the time to do other stuff. And even with the kids home you’ll have less chores to do.
He on the other hand will need to sort himself out.

If you can effectively co-parent the kids won’t suffer in the slightest.

I think ( just in my experience) that once you actually say ( out loud or to yourself) how you feel it is over or you don’t love him anymore, it triggers a reality moment and it’s difficult to rewind. If you see what I mean. I don’t think I explained that very well.
It might be helpful for you to talk to a counsellor about how you feel.

How very sad that anyone should think or accept this as normal.

I can see both sides here, OP, as I'm a little like your DH.
I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago. Now whilst I'm not saying the OP's husband must be neurodiverse, there are reasons why for some people "normal" aspects of everyday life are hard.

I work but only part time, and also ive moved up career wise it's taken many many years, and I can go further because the mental stress of maintaining my current job is huge. I work way over my contracted hours to do the same amount as my colleagues who work standard hours. So yes I'd love to earn more and progress further but it's just not possible.

If I was responsible for household bills, we'd be in debt. I forget, procrastinate, get overwhelming, so DH has always sorted those out.

I get overwhelmed and stressed very easily, I get overloaded. DH (and I)is getting better at understanding why this is and how we manage it.

These are just a few examples of how my difficulties mean that DH needs to take of an unequal amount of the daily "burden", I guess.

So where I'm not saying the OP's husband has a disability, there are definitely challenges that are outside of the norm. It's up the OP as to whether she sits down and tries to address them and see if they can work out away to live with them, or if it's too much and she walks away.

Spot on. People have a warped sense of what is normal. This is NOT what a normal relationship is like. Suggest leave to protect yourself, kids and money

Yabu. You married 2 years ago and knew who he was. You have children. You need a bit more than feeling bored and hoping there is someone more exciting out there.

You have 2 kids. It's not the time for an exciting romance. It's time to work on your marriage. Give him a bigger list, get counselling. Have an honest conversation. Tell him you're sick of telling him to put more effort in to the house and relationship and need him to use his initiative because you're at your wits end. Only when you can truly do more then end it.

But end it to be single, not because you expect something better to turn up within a few years. Your kids will need extra support to get through it. Your focus will need to be on the kids and your own tradition if you divorce.

What has triggered this? Was the marriage a last ditch attempt? Did you marry because you were bored? Have some friends recently divorced and grass looks greener? Do you fancy someone else? Or has this really honestly deep down been a last straw? Figure it out before upheaving all of your lives.

Thank you everyone for your responses, I really appreciate it and definitely some food for thought. For those that asked why we got married, it’s a good question as these problems have always been there but we do have happy times too and where I’ve felt like things were good. I wanted to really give my 100% to the relationship and give the children the security of a marriage (which in hindsight was a stupid thing to do as has actually disadvantaged me financially if we do split.)

I think couple counselling may be the way to go here which I’ll suggest. When we’ve tried to talk about these issues in the past, we don’t seem to find a way through but then things just quickly revert to status quo of me doing things. I do automatically just take things on because I know I’m quicker at things and find things less stressful than him, but I’m essentially enabling him to be a lazy twat and I need to stop that!

I don’t think me earning more is an issue. It’s been like that from day one albeit at a much smaller scale and he’s always been happy and supportive when I’ve got a promotion / pay rise as it means more money for the family. He does however take issue with how hard I have to work at my job and seems to begrudge me having to work evenings etc when I do as complains I’m putting my job over my time with him. I will admit I can be very work focused at times but I’ve worked very hard to build a successful career and I like my work and sometimes long hours are necessary unfortunately. Fortunately it’s not typical, we’re talking maybe 1-2 eve per week and I would however always do these once kids are in bed so it’s not like he’s having to do more on that front, it’s more he feels unloved at me ‘choosing’ to work rather than watch tv with him. Doesn’t understand that I’m not choosing, it’s just the work needs to be done! If we were to split I would likely do more of this so I haven’t pushed myself with my career as much as I could in order to maintain the family balance.

Also to be clear, I’m not looking for another relationship if we were to split. I appreciate good men are few and far between and the last thing I would want to do is bring another man into my kids life at this stage or in the near future. I would just want to be single and focus on my kids. I’m lucky I also have a group of great friends who are just mine & not couple friends so i would know I would still have them. I obviously can’t control if he were to meet someone else though so that is a consideration!

Aghh so many issues to work through. Thank you again everyone, it’s been great to read through the different perspectives! Off to Google marriage counselling and figure out how I suggest this without causing an argument…

It sounds as though you need to talk.

It also sounds as though he is very much the bottom of your priorities.

It’s quite easy to hide in work.

I feel like I could have written this too.

I get angry and resentful that I feel like I have another child and have to micro manage a grown man!! It’s tiring and definitely not a turn on.

I’m all for equal equality but sometimes I just want to be taken for a nice dinner or bought presents but that won’t happen…..

Dont feel selfish, his lack of drive and ambition is not your fault.

@Confused168 is he a "lazy twat" or does he genuinely struggle with things that you don't even have to think about? Because there is a big difference.

It depends whether you love him enough to want to stay. If you don’t, then leave. If you do, then you need to start assigning him tasks and it will feel like being his mother again. You could start off small and say, right you can sort out next year’s car insurance. No further instruction, just let him get on with it. Then, once sorted move onto something else until the load is shared a bit more. It’s wrong that you’re doing so much and he’s hardly contributing.

Maybe it is worth some couples counselling? Perhaps if he did more you may feel differently? Was he always so passive or has that grown up over time? Sometimes one partner will check out like this because nothing they do meets the others standards.

Christ. I really hope not. If we were in the fifties when women were expected to be miserable and just get on with it, then sure. 2022? - I really hope not for women everywhere.
If this is your life, @Quitelikeit, I'd look to change it.

You sound like the "leader" in this RL .Your DH seems like a kind sort of guy ,but almost a bystander in his own life! If you earn 4 times his wage then you are a successful woman in her own right.He is being UR to expect you to do 9 to 5 if you have a Career like this .Thing is he may get stressed when given tasks ,because he has a nice comfortable with minimum effort! Do you have a Cleaner? Time for one now .Also maybe get Counselling too.Tell him he has to sort XYZ whatever .Dont ask .Lots of strong clever women seem to land up with a lot on their plate as its "often easier" to do it ourselves . They almost seem to regress into children sulking and complaining! Its a pattern ,and now time for it to stop!

I can agree. Sometimes you have to think about yourself

@Whitehorsegirl

"@CactusBlossom ''Many men feel emasculated by having a wife who earns more than they do.'' But that's their problem...I really don't see why you seem to believe women should bend over backwards to accommodate the moods and insecurities of the average man-child. They have the option to find a better job if not being the main bread-winner bothers them or to grow up and understand that women should be able to have their success at work celebrated. You whole post is about what the OP should do to improve the situation and how she should in the end be happy to put up with it. There are two people in this relationship, it is not her job to make everything happen. The whole point is that she has a partner who simply does not carry his weight or bring anything positive and she is perfectly right to decide she has outgrown this relationship and no longer wants to live this way."

I most certainly did not say what you state. If you really think that, you need to read it again. I see no problem in people trying to understand each other and use this as a place from which to progress. My point is about communication. It is not solely the OP's job to improve the situation (wow, are you jumping to conclusions!); it takes two, but both have to take action, and they can't do that without communication. Talking to each other. Asking each other what can be done to improve the situation or walk away. Walking away is an option. I said that in my post.

The equivalent of what you are saying is that: the menopause is a woman's problem, why should a man "bend over backwards to accommodate the moods" (to use your words).

"You whole post is about what the OP should do to improve the situation and how she should in the end be happy to put up with it." Utter nonsense. I stated:

"You seem to care about each other, but if the "spark" has gone, you need to think about how to deal with this - whether you want to reignite it, or walk away."

Yes, I did say walk away.

So I suggest you read my comments more carefully before making incorrect assertions and assumptions.

So you are doing the lions share of the household work, all the family admin and mental load for the kids, and you are the breadwinner - but you're wondering if its selfish to find this situation intolerably unfair? In addition to this you are having unwanted sex with him (soul destroying at the best of times).

No you are not selfish. He is profoundly selfish and you have been brainwashed not realise this. Honestly, Id get counselling on my own to help me see this all clearly. And not waste money trying to get a fully grown adult to change who has no interest, incentive or possibly even the ability to do so.

Sounds as if he's not that important to you. You say he doesn't understand that you choose to do work rather than watch TV with him, wife has to be done. Will this apply to ghe children as well or is work not that important, just more important than him.

Presumably he was like this when you were living together before you married. Daft to have let it get this far, shouldn't have got together in the first place.

@BigFatLiar , I have to work long hours sometimes but I try to never work at weekends and always try where possible to finish around 5pm, be there for tea, helping with home work and putting kids to bed then pick up work again. I try to limit this to 1-2 nights a week where poss and make up any other time needed early morning before kids awake. If I didn’t have DH, I admit I would likely work every night but that’s only time of day i have with him so I try to keep it work free if I can but it’s not always possible. As the main earner, I don’t have luxury to not prioritise my job at time as our mortgage and bills depend on it, which he knows. So whilst my kids are my no one priority there are of course occasional times I have to put work before them and spend time working rather than with them but that’s just life isn’t it? They wouldn’t have security and the nice life they do if I didn’t so it’s all swings & roundabouts so assume that’s something most parents have to do at times?

I will admit though maybe DH has fallen down my list of priorities but that’s largely because I have built up this resentment over the years and sometimes he just feels like another child wanting my attention and being upset with me if I’m too exhausted / stressed to look after his needs at end of a long day. I think if he helped me more that I wouldn’t feel so much like that.

We have had lots of good times, he’s not a bad man at all, he has lots of redeeming qualities, is funny and kind, and when I am in positive frame of mind, I just crack on and make the best of the situation and accept me doing lions share if things is just way our relationship works and things could be a lot worse! I was obviously in that frame of mind when we got married. I think because I’ve been poorly this week it’s just really got to me that everything is on me and things don’t get done if I don’t sort and has got me down!

Weve had a good chat tonight where I’ve vented and I feel a lot better. He’s agreed to take on more things and I’ve agreed to try to not take control automatically. He’s also agreed to try marriage counselling so fingers crossed we can find a way through. I’m feeling a lot more positive now that maybe things aren’t a complete loss now and are worth trying to work for that I’m back to my normal state of mind .

Thanks again everyone, it has been really helpful to write things down as I rarely talk about this kind of stuff.

This sounds a thoroughly miserable existence and I predict either depression or an affair (even if its 'just' emotional)..a nice dose of resentment, chaos and hurt. Do the kind thing for you all. Its going to take a bit of getting used to but you both deserve to be with someone who truly loves you.
Be brave OP.