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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit hurt by this?

35 replies

drljs · 20/08/2022 16:05

I'm probably BU. I just feel a little upset by this.

DD turns 16 next week. I rearranged my work diary months ago in anticipation as it's a special birthday and I didn't want to be at work on the day - I wanted to free myself up to be able to celebrate with her.

I asked her recently what she'd like to do on her birthday and she told me she plans to spend the morning with her Dad (doesn't live with us, we are separated since she was little) and in the afternoon she's coming home and then has planned a birthday meal out with her friends. I asked if she planned on spending any time at home in between - she said maybe an hour or two but just to get ready to go out with my friends.

AIBU to feel a bit upset that she isn't interested in spending any time with her mum on her special birthday? I was hoping to be able to take her out for a nice meal. Obviously we can do that another day and I will pay for her meal with friends etc, but I suppose I was just hoping to celebrate at least part of her special day with her. 😞

OP posts:
Christmasiscominghohoho · 20/08/2022 16:07

Did you mention actually doing anything with her before this conversation?

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 16:09

So you booked a day off but hadn't actually arranged to do anything with her and are now upset? Why don't you arrange to do something with her when she doesnt have plans?

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 16:09

I mean if you freed it up months ago you've had quite a while to organise something

Beees · 20/08/2022 16:10

I think it sounds like you should have made any intentions of plans much clearer much sooner. Her birthday is next week and to her knowledge you hadn't made any plans or shown any signs of wanting to do anything so naturally she's going to have tried to arrange stuff.

Original poster
drljs · 20/08/2022 16:11

I've never not done something with her on her birthday. All of her previous birthdays I've made sure we have done something nice together. She's always asked too and said what she wants to do. So I guess I just assumed it would be nice to make sure I wasn't at work on her big day. But it turns out it doesn't matter if I am or not, now. I just feel sad.

OP posts:
Greengreengrassbluebluesky · 20/08/2022 16:11

Tell her! Have a chat with her about how to fit in a meal with you.

misskatamari · 20/08/2022 16:11

Tough one.

You feel how you feel, and you’re entitled to feel that way and I understand you feeling hurt. In the nicest possible way though, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. She’s a teenager, and it’s all about your friends at that age. I don’t remember 16 being much of a big deal when I was younger, but I really don’t remember wanting to spend quality time with my mum on that or my 18th birthday. I wanted to be out celebrating with my friends, as I imagine most teens do.

it’s nothing personal, so try not to make it about you, I’m sure she has no idea that this is hurting your feelings. I’m sure in your situation I would feel exactly the same, my kids are younger so I haven’t been there yet, but you have my sympathy. Try and focus on doing something lovely with her to celebrate, even if it’s a different day ❤️

HotDogKetchup · 20/08/2022 16:11

Could she have thought you hadn’t made plans so made her own? How was she to know you are free?

maddy68 · 20/08/2022 16:11

You made no plans , others have

Maybe book her a facial / nails with you in the afternoon so she looks nice to go out later with her friends ?

Original poster
drljs · 20/08/2022 16:12

misskatamari · 20/08/2022 16:11

Tough one.

You feel how you feel, and you’re entitled to feel that way and I understand you feeling hurt. In the nicest possible way though, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. She’s a teenager, and it’s all about your friends at that age. I don’t remember 16 being much of a big deal when I was younger, but I really don’t remember wanting to spend quality time with my mum on that or my 18th birthday. I wanted to be out celebrating with my friends, as I imagine most teens do.

it’s nothing personal, so try not to make it about you, I’m sure she has no idea that this is hurting your feelings. I’m sure in your situation I would feel exactly the same, my kids are younger so I haven’t been there yet, but you have my sympathy. Try and focus on doing something lovely with her to celebrate, even if it’s a different day ❤️

Thank you, lovely message x

OP posts:
Mumspair1 · 20/08/2022 16:12

Christmasiscominghohoho · 20/08/2022 16:07

Did you mention actually doing anything with her before this conversation?

Why does the op need to beg or ask for some time with her dd? Her dd was capable enough to make plans with her dad, so why not her mum? Yes I would be very, very hurt by this.

Greengreengrassbluebluesky · 20/08/2022 16:12

You can still do presents and a cake and candles on the day and a meal on a different day?

EmergencyHepNeeded · 20/08/2022 16:13

HotDogKetchup · 20/08/2022 16:11

Could she have thought you hadn’t made plans so made her own? How was she to know you are free?

Do you realise how accusatory this sounds?

Original poster
drljs · 20/08/2022 16:14

She knew I was off work on birthday. At the time I booked it I told her I'd done it, to make sure I wasn't working. She simply replied "ok" at the time. I guess I should have been more explicit and said shall I book something etc. She's always approached me previous years and asked "what are we doing for my birthday?" Or "can we do x for my birthday?" etc. i assumed she would again, but perhaps I shouldn't have assumed.

OP posts:
Original poster
drljs · 20/08/2022 16:16

maddy68 · 20/08/2022 16:11

You made no plans , others have

Maybe book her a facial / nails with you in the afternoon so she looks nice to go out later with her friends ?

This is a nice idea - I can check with her if she will have time to fit this in or just do this on another day.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/08/2022 16:17

It’s a shame you left it until the week before to ask her, as she’s already made plans with the people she doesn’t live with. She knows she’ll see you on the day - it’s not that she doesn’t want to spend time with you, it’s more that she’s just gone ahead and planned stuff and this is the result. Don’t take it personally. Flowers

Do you and her dad still get on? You could suggest joining them for brunch?

Original poster
drljs · 20/08/2022 16:18

Thanks everyone. I guess I need to accept that I should have been clearer and made an actual plan, not just assumed we could sort nearer the time as we always have done. Just feels sad that this is the first of all her birthdays that I won't be spending any time with her.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/08/2022 16:18

Or you could offer to host a pre-going-out party for her at your house?

Original poster
drljs · 20/08/2022 16:19

@NoSquirrels

We get on ok but he lives a significant drive away so not really possible to join them.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 20/08/2022 16:46

You’ve clearly done a good job bringing her up as it’s perfectly normal and natural for her to want to be with friends at 16.

I’m sure she’ll want you around at some point for presents and a lift home at the end of the night! 😂

SunnyD44 · 20/08/2022 16:48

I get why you’d be hurt but it’s quite common to want to spend it with her friends at that age.

And of course she’s going to have to choose between you and her dad and if she lives with you then it would make sense to plan to go to her dads.

I love the idea of getting her hair and nails done and I’d try and do this the day before so you get to spend the day doing something nice together and she feels great for her birthday photos.

Andromachehadabadday · 20/08/2022 16:54

I understand how you feel. But I think you have ignored the fact that she is 16 and things are changing.

You have left it until the week before, she is semi independent and made her own plans. At 16 it’s perfectly normal to celebrate with your friends.

In future be explicit and discuss plans with her. Telling her you have the day off but not saying you want to do something with her and planning are 2 different things. As she gets older you will find that sometimes you celebrate with her on a different day as life gets in the way.

dd is 18 and moving to Uni in 3 weeks. Me and dad had a conversation about this today. About how you raise them and put everything into them knowing the natural course of life is that they move away from you. It’s hard.

Arbesque · 20/08/2022 16:54

I can understand your disappointment, but it would be worse if she was spending her birthday with you because she has no friends who want to celebrate with her.

Her dad probably suggested spending the morning with him, her friends want to go out with her in the evening, and she is secure enough in her relationship with you to not feel she has to 'please' you, or put her friends off because you'll be upset.

She just sounds like a normal teenage girl.

MumofSpud · 20/08/2022 17:06

I have a DD (16) and they can be incredibly self-centred but although you took the day off you didn't actually arrange anything!
So, as you have brought up an independent young woman who has organised herself! (Maybe clutching at straws here!)

rookiemere · 20/08/2022 17:07

Sorry to be Pollyannaish but I agree with others. It's natural and normal at that age to want to spend time with friends and so wonderful that lockdown is over so she can have a proper celebration.