To want my parents to visit after giving birth?

[lking679]

Bit of a strange one but about to have 3rd baby in Autumn and my parents aren’t making plans to visit us or support me after. In fact they never have.
When I had my first baby mum said she didn’t “want to be in the way” and wanted to leave me to it. They live 4 hours away so it’s tricky and at the time were in their early 70’s. I thought this was fine but after it all and what went on and how emotional it was trying to breastfeed I would have really appreciated their support. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing!

For my second it was covid and living so far away we didn’t see each other until baby was 8 months anyway.

Now for my third they just say “I wonder when we’ll manage a trip down.”
I understand it’s a bit trickier they’re in their mid 70’s now and don’t like to drive on busy roads. But there is a direct train Liverpool to London, they said they don’t want to take it “in case the toilet is closed.” Or there are train issues… can’t say Avanti west coast doing a great job.
Instead they leave it to my husbands parents. I’m very grateful for their help but I can barely stand my MIL, she cuts across me talking, criticizes decisions, and is not supportive of a 3rd child (no idea why) and whereas I could be frank and ask my own Mum for help here and there I can’t with MIL. It can be more of a stress than a help and my own Mum knows this.

For context my sister had am emergency c section 2 months ago and I had to prompt them it might be kind to offer to visit and support her. My sister said she was okay… and first time they’ve seen her baby is now 2 months later (she’s a bit closer and they’re happy to drive there, no m25 involved)! I assume it’s that grandchildren are now numbering double digits and they’re not that bothered? But having daughters myself I find it really odd; I’d really want to just check in at least and offer practical or emotional support. I’m close to my mum and dad there’s no falling out or anything and we all get on well.

I have accepted they won’t be coming and who knows when they’ll see new granddaughter but I still feel a bit upset about it all.

AIBU?

Could you get a doula instead? Or a local older lady that would be happy to come and help in exchange for payment?
Im sorry your parents are not helpful. It’s very hurtful

Between parents in law and our childminder and friends we’re okay for emergency childcare cover and probably a bit of initial
help if we need any. It’s more they don’t seem bothered.

I don’t think Mum got much help from her own but when she started having children my grandma still had under 10’s to look for herself and when we were born she was in poor health. I’ve reassured Mum she wouldn’t be in the way but it’s just the way it is. I don’t want to beg them or guilt them into coming if they don’t feel comfortable about it.

Is it your "parents" you want help from or your Mum, OP? What is it, specifically, you want these two people in their late 70s to do for you?

I say we as I’m a twin and poor Mum didn’t get help her own mother had a heart condition by then and passed away in her mid 60’s when we were about 3.

So sorry your going through this OP. You say you are close to your parents. Do you mind me asking in what way you define close? As you say they rarely visit and don’t offer support after three very huge life events (having a baby).

I’m wondering if your perception of them vs the reality is warped somewhat which in turns leads to emotional turmoil as in your head your all close and your comfortable to tell/ask your mum for things unlike your MIL. However in reality you’ve never been comfortable enough to ‘have it out’ with them somewhat in not visit and giving you support even after the birth of your first baby.

Would you really say that you are ‘close’?
You can have distance geographically but still be close. For example I know I could ring my brother who loves 300 miles away at this moment and say ‘I’m really struggling with DP and baby. Get your ass down here and help me out with baby whilst me and DP sort through some things.’ And I know he 100% would or if he couldn’t he would say ‘no sis, I’m not coming down because I got enough of my own shit to deal with’. We may or may not bicker but we’re close enough to have these open dialogues and that’s how are closeness if evidenced.

Just because you don’t argue doesn’t mean that your close and supported. It just means you’ve been trained not to ask for things since childhood.

I think there is more to it than what meets the eye and if you dig down deep enough you’ll realise that your parents maybe aren’t what you’ve told yourself they are and your relationship isn’t what you believe in reality. Then in turn you can lower your expectations and it won’t be quite so hurtful.

hope this makes sense x

They sound like they don't have the confidence to make the journey down, you need to accept that as they get older it was your decision to have 3 dc I'm assuming in close in age as you mentioned lockdown and just having your third. You have a dh to support you. My dbro used to go on about my elderly parents traveling by train down for a similar length journey involving two trains they physically couldn't do it push the bags and walk from platform to platform. Thankfully after myself and other dbro having a word he dropped the idea. Both parents are similar age to yours albeit my father has cancer but my dm struggles.

In the nicest possible way are think you are being a little unreasonable because they didn't help with your previous babies and they're unlikely to change.

I think you need to come to terms with and accept that they aren't the parents you want them to be - supportive etc. Then you'll be able to move on and enjoy your baby.

As I say I have accepted it and am disappointed.
I’m sure they could manage the journey if they really wanted they’re at my sisters now and she’s an hour train from me and it’s not bad at all.
we are close in that we have a family text group and we share about 80 texts a day! Talk several times a week, I’ll go up and visit (I have my sister and other family in Liverpool) and we go on family holidays together and it’s all fun banter!

Maybe a bit obvious but have you actually said to your mum “I’d love to have you here for a bit”?

Because of the situation With losing her own mum so young, maybe it just doesn’t hit her radar?

They are in their late 70’s and don’t feel ip to driving on busy roads…fair enough.
They are worried about getting the train for various reasons…also fair enough.

What support and help do you want your elderly folks to do? Sounds like they are not able to be fair. Throw them into the mix of 3 babies when they make a 4 hour journey they are not able for when they eventually arrive? That’s a big ask. They are nearly 80! What is it you need help with?

Your sister is an hr away 4 is a big difference. You might feel completely differently when your almost 80 and likely dont have the emergy for little kids. What does your dh do does he not help?

I wouldnt like to drive from Liverpool to London (and Im only mid 50s) Trains arent super reliable either ATM! TBH you are expecting them to make a long journey and "help" you look after 3 little ones to boot.No wonder they arent so keen! Your MIL is helpful even if a little overbearing it seems. I am sure they care for you and their GC ,however they are not young and cannot be expected to drop everything for a long train trip followed by lots of baby sitting!

Are you willing to go and stay with them. Maybe now they are older you might have too?

My parents dont like driving any distance and definitely wouldn't get the trains as they still worry about covid. If I want to see them I have to visit them

Have you also thought they dont want to stay in a house with 3 small children? Yes they are grandparents but mine own dont cope very well with babies and toddlers esp staying in same house

I don’t think I’d expect my 70 year old parents to make a long journey. My mum is early 50s and lives 10 min drive away and only saw my baby when I made the trip to her house. She never visited us. I preferred that as I could just visit when I felt ready

I understand why you want them there op but maybe they simply don't want to? You can't force people to show an interest or help out.

My parents seem increasingly reluctant to host us or travel to us, even though I know they adore their grandkids. I don’t know what to make of it to be honest - maybe this thread will shed some light for me…

It maybe disappointing for you, but I do think it’s a tad entitled to expect your elderly parents to schlep cross country to support you.

They are getting on a bit now so maybe just too much for them …..I became a granny at 50…now 57 with x 3 GD …..I find it hard work……in 20 years I would well be past looking after my grandies

My DHs parents have no interest in their grandchildren at all. If we ask them on the odd occasion to look after our DS even for 30 mins, it's a major inconvenience (they're both retired and literally so nothing each day). Some parents are just like that I'm afraid

I totally understand it’s hurtful they don’t seem as excited to be part of your family as you’d like. It would annoy me too. But I do think their age is probably a blocker. My parents are a similar age and don’t really have the ability or inclination for hands on grand parenting. I do feel jealous when I see women with their kids and their mum/ dad who is 50/60 and doing loads but I feel like I choose to have my kids late so I have to suck it up really. I also think if you’re in london that’s a massive barrier. I lived there and my northern family rarely visited. It’s just seen as too intimidating. I think you could still get emotional support from your parents, even if it’s long distance so maybe focus on that?

I think you are expecting a lot of your DPs ... it's a long drive and public transport can be a nightmare. Would you expect them to stay with you? Do you have a comfortable guest room with separate bathroom... I am younger than your DPs but the thought of staying somewhere (even a beloved adult DC's home) where there are three DC including a new baby does not appeal at all.

I think it's really sad they don't seem to want to visit or anything.

I'm really sorry, that sounds quite cold from your parents.
My DMiL and FiL were well into their 70s when DS3 was born, she was agoraphobic (sorry about spelling) and they came down from Liverpool on the train to help out and to see him, and it must have been such a challenge for her. I really appreciated it, and miss her now.
But it's not such a terrible journey, there are toilets at the station both ends and on the train, and even if all they do is hold the baby while you see to the older children, it makes such a difference.
I'm not surprised you are saddened by this, I would be too.