To want my parents to visit after giving birth?

[lking679]

Bit of a strange one but about to have 3rd baby in Autumn and my parents aren’t making plans to visit us or support me after. In fact they never have.
When I had my first baby mum said she didn’t “want to be in the way” and wanted to leave me to it. They live 4 hours away so it’s tricky and at the time were in their early 70’s. I thought this was fine but after it all and what went on and how emotional it was trying to breastfeed I would have really appreciated their support. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing!

For my second it was covid and living so far away we didn’t see each other until baby was 8 months anyway.

Now for my third they just say “I wonder when we’ll manage a trip down.”
I understand it’s a bit trickier they’re in their mid 70’s now and don’t like to drive on busy roads. But there is a direct train Liverpool to London, they said they don’t want to take it “in case the toilet is closed.” Or there are train issues… can’t say Avanti west coast doing a great job.
Instead they leave it to my husbands parents. I’m very grateful for their help but I can barely stand my MIL, she cuts across me talking, criticizes decisions, and is not supportive of a 3rd child (no idea why) and whereas I could be frank and ask my own Mum for help here and there I can’t with MIL. It can be more of a stress than a help and my own Mum knows this.

For context my sister had am emergency c section 2 months ago and I had to prompt them it might be kind to offer to visit and support her. My sister said she was okay… and first time they’ve seen her baby is now 2 months later (she’s a bit closer and they’re happy to drive there, no m25 involved)! I assume it’s that grandchildren are now numbering double digits and they’re not that bothered? But having daughters myself I find it really odd; I’d really want to just check in at least and offer practical or emotional support. I’m close to my mum and dad there’s no falling out or anything and we all get on well.

I have accepted they won’t be coming and who knows when they’ll see new granddaughter but I still feel a bit upset about it all.

AIBU?

I think yabvu to expect two mid 70yr Olds who clearly feel up to it, to make that trip. You also have 2 other young kids and it might all be quite a bit much for them. They also might have health issues which they have not told you about. It is disappointing for you, but I do think it's not ok for you to expect them to come down. You can make the trip to them when you feel able to travel.

Agree, if it's practical help you need then it's very unfair of you to ask this of them. If it's emotional support then surely you can still keep communication in other ways. Your other two seem younger as well, it's probably too much for them.

Yeah unless you've made your feelings incredibly clear I wouldwouldn't feel hurt. Reassuring her that she wouldnt be in the way etc. Is something you would maybe say if you didn't mind either way as opposed to an explicit "it would mean a lot to me if you came"

My parents wouldn’t stay in the house, we have a spare room but they choose not to and like to stay in a hotel. If I had young grandchildren I think I’d do the same!!

I don’t think I am being unreasonable for being disappointed they won’t be here, I enjoy their company very much….
It would be unreasonable for me not to accept it given their age and situation.

I saw them yesterday for my nephews birthday they travelled down to Hertfordshire for it, in my mind it’s not much of a leap to then get into London… but I’ve been here 15 years now and am very used to public transport. If they’re not comfortable with it that’s up to them.

Just to be clear the main thing I want from my parents being here is probably a hug and to put a smile on my face because we all have a laugh together.
My last birth was 5 days in hospital (birth was ok but induction took a long time). I came out sleep deprived and stressed which I’m sure all of us do. Of course I’d love my parents to be there and give me a hug! And my other children love their grandparents too.
They don’t have any health conditions apart from type 2 diabetes which they control through diet and exercise. Fingers crossed they’re both keeping well.
London driving is a nightmare and can’t say the trains are great, but it doesn’t help me feeling disappointed. The M25 may as we’ll be the Berlin Wall to my family!