to think it;s the right thing to do to send DD to a school I think is better for her where she knows nobody, rather than a school where she knows loads of primary school mates?

[Yolo89]

We have just had an offer for the school we had as first choice. Now DD has done the induction for the other school and found out her BF is in her form, she was very upset to hear this news. There were tears and she had to tell her best friend, but now she seems to have come around and is talking about the uniform for the new school, I still can't feel awful about tearing her away from her bestie, though in my heart of hearts the otehr school will be considerably better for her I feel, for a number of reasons including it's size, OFSTED etc. Am I doing the right thing?

YANBU she will still see her bestie outside of school.

She’s 11.
Friends come and go at that age

I moved DS from a school where he had friends to one miles away where he knew no one. He was bitter to start with but the move was definitely the right choice for him. You know your child so do what you think is best.

She would most likely make a whole new group of friends, even if she did go to the school all her primary friends were at. Send her to the best school. I regret not listening to my mum and going to a crap school that my friends went to. Both BFs relocated in that summer holiday too, so it was all for nothing!

We made an appeal to get DD into a school with her friends (there’s a bit more to it as she has a disability and the school offered wasn’t suitable). Her friends linked up with a much bigger group and she ended up bullied/isolated. We had considered moving to a new area in year 6 but were worried about her not having a social network- massively regret it now! Friends change in senior school I would go for the best school.

The secondary school your daughter goes to is a parental decision. They get to have a say, a preference and you should take that into account when making the decision but the decision is yours.my eldest got into a grammar school, where none of her friends or even anyone from her school was going. By Christmas if not before it was like she had been at the new school her whole life. I knew it was the best fit for her, going somewhere else just because her friends were was not enough to change my decision.

I don’t know, I was a very shy child, not every child makes friends easily. I’d have definitely had a very hard time going to a new school where I didn’t already have friends and knew no one. I guess it depends on her personality.

Go with the better school.

My DD will be going to a secondary school where she knows no one (faith school, none of her primary friends are eligible to get a place). She will miss her besties but as it happens, they are mostly going to different schools anyway. She started primary in the same situation and was totally fine. She's happy enough about it, one of her besties lives around the corner so I feel if the friendship is going to last, different secondary placements is unlikely to get in the way.

I’m saying this nicely, but are you mad?

She’s 11- there are literally hundreds of people that will come and go through her life, some of them will be lasting relationships and some are fleeting.

I’m from a part of the U.K. where the 11 plus is still an option, and I’ve seen people my own age who’s parents let them make the decision about senior school based on friendships, and as a result really limit their opportunities.

Absolutely correct. Even if she goes to a school with her entire primary class, the friendship groups will have moved on by half term.

Just some input from the other side of the argument. My mum sent me to a school i absolutely hated, away from my best friends, just because it was a ten minute walk for me. I actually resented her for for quite a while because of it.

You’re doing the right thing a million times over. My bff from primary moved away in Y8 and I was bereft. I would have been far better off not depending so much on her friendship in Y7 and branching out wider to find new friends. Loads of kids are singletons in their secondary school and your dd will soon make friends. Keep reassuring her and make sure she sees her old bf sometimes, all will be well .

Her BF is in her form... but how about lessons? Chances are they will see little of each other during the school day.

Despite 59/61 of DDs primary school year going to the same school, they are all split up. In fact it looks like they deliberately split up friends into different forms.

My DS is going to a school where he probably knows only about 2 or 3 people from primary school. Most of his “friends” (I use that term very loosely) are all going to another school.

To be honest, in my DS’s case it almost feels like a fresh start for him and a clean slate because there are so many kids he won’t have to see again.

He won’t have any friends when he starts. But I’m happy with that as opposed to tired friendships from primary school.

I deliberately failed the 11+ to go to the local comp with my bf. We were put in different classes on opposite sides of the year group, barely saw each other and each had new friends by the first half term. Make the decision for your dd, she doesn’t know what is best at her age.

Thanks everyone for your really helpful replies. I know in my heart that I think DD will be better at the school that was our first choice and she has now been offered. My heart was aching when she had to tell her best friend she wouldn't be going and then DD was talking about a ' sliding doors ' - I can have a first day with my best friend at the old school or a first day where I know no one and it just made me question whether this will have a lasting impact on her.

That said, it is mad to make a decision based on this, when I have been trying to get into the first choice school and now we have a place. DD had a tricky year, well lots in her year did due to a couple of children that ruled the roost so to speak so a new start isn't a bad thing. DD also does make friends easily so i feel that within a few weeks she will forget all about the pain of going to a new school.

She can see/chat to her bestie. I have also given her a say but she knows parents decision is the final one. We see the bigger picture i guess that they dont.

It feels reassuring having your comments.

Depends on the child.

My daughter went to a school with a couple of girls from primary. The other 67 kids in her year went to a different school. Three years on the two friends bullied her, she doesn't have one single friend in school and she now refuses to go. It's not the only issue she has with school but it might have been different had she gone with everyone she knew.

DD2 on the other hand, will likely go to the same school but will have no issues making friends, totally different child. Only you know which personality your child is.

it just made me question whether this will have a lasting impact on her.
No. Honestly.

Primary school friendships tend to fracture at secondary anyway, so there is no guarantee she’d be friends with the same people in six months.

There's absolutely no guarantee that she'd still be friends with primary school group within the first half term. Everything and everyone changes.

You made the decision based on good reasons. My parents wanted me to go to a better school at 11 and I refused because I wanted to go with my “mates” and they relented in the end . I wish to this day I’d just listened to my parents and gone to the better school. Parents should call the shots about stuff like this. I get it’s hard though.

Frazzled that is very interesting. Why do you regret that they relented? Was the school not as good? Friendships changed anyway?

My heart was aching when she had to tell her best friend she wouldn't be going and then DD was talking about a ' sliding doors ' -

good heavens. Like mother like daughter when it comes to being drama llamas

I'm not sure about this 'friendships come and go at that age'' advice - i'm still friends with my primary school mates