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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU do have been pissed off with my partner?

30 replies

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 20/08/2022 09:46

Bit of background - SO has two children from a previous relationship who he has 50/50, I have two children of my own who live with us full time. I have been a SAHM for the last two years as I relocated to be with SO and worked until it became too difficult with the children and travelling. I am fully aware that we are in a very fortunate position that at this moment in time I do not need to work.
My SO works very hard to support the family financially and I have complete respect for that, I look after the house and the kids.
Long story short....SO has little or no input with my two children when his two children arent here (I also do the majority of looking after all four children when they are all here) I dont ask for any help with the kids, he sleeps in until whenever he wants and does pretty much whatever he wants. With it being the school holidays I have spent all week on my own with my two children and I was looking forward to some family time this weekend, and Ill be honest, just a bit of support with the kids. I openly said to him yesterday that I was tired and looking forward to a bit of support over the weekend, my eldest has ADHD and ADS, so its full on.
6am this morning my SO was still not in bed, I found him sat at his computer, surrounded by bottles of wine and pissed as a fart. Everytime he drinks excessively he is good for nothing for the rest of day, spends all day in bed and I left on my own with the kids. This has happened a few times over the last few months.
I told him I dont think its fair and asked him to go to bed before the kids get up and sleep it off....this is were it all went tits up. I said I dont want the kids getting up and seeing him drunk in the morning. He wouldnt go to bed, said he was staying up as he isnt tired, said he was going to come out for the day with us, he was cleary drunk and I said I dont want him to be around us right now. I voiced that I dont feel he is present for my two children.
I feel like me and my children dont matter, he would never have done this if his two children were here. I have said I think this is unfair and I been made to feel like a total bitch.
Before going to bed he told me I do nothing (because I dont work) I just swan around spending money that he works for, Im out of order, I speak to him with constant contempt, told me Im totally naive as to what is going in the world right now and have no respect for how hard he works. He said that If he wants to have a blow out I have no right to make him feel like he has done something wrong.
Then infront of my children (who have been through a lot) started saying if I want to leave then just go as he is sick of it.
Ive broken down and cried in front of my kids, which I never do as I dont want them burdened with my emotions and I just feel sad and like complete shit.

Am I in the wrong for saying anything about his antics?

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 20/08/2022 09:51

How long have you known him for? He sounds like a total dick.

Chikapu · 20/08/2022 09:53

You aren't in the wrong to have said something, however, you have allowed this situation to continue for far longer than is good for any of you. Him doing nothing around the house or with the kids hasn't happened overnight.
Neither of you are happy so it's maybe time to think about leaving?

RedHelenB · 20/08/2022 09:54

It's never a good idea to have this kind if discussion with a drunk and in front of your kids I'd have let him stay awake and come on the outing personally.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 20/08/2022 09:57

The kids were not up whilst having the discussion and that is why I desperately wanted him to go to bed before they got up. I told him the conversation was over as soon as I heard the kids get up but he continued.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 20/08/2022 09:59

What strikes me is that you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position by making yourself financially dependent on someone who has no obligation to continue to support you (I'm assuming you're not married!).

I would have no problem with the occasional blow-out, but from what you say this isn't that rare an occurrence with him. That and the horrible, resentful things he said to you indicate that this relationship is on its last legs.

I would advise you to take immediate steps towards being able to put a roof over your and your DCs' head.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 20/08/2022 10:00

We've been together four years.
He's always been rubbish with house stuff and I mostly accept this but as soon as I say anything, I get the whole, I'm lucky I don't have to work, he works hard etc etc

OP posts:
KosherDill · 20/08/2022 10:04

FetchezLaVache · 20/08/2022 09:59

What strikes me is that you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position by making yourself financially dependent on someone who has no obligation to continue to support you (I'm assuming you're not married!).

I would have no problem with the occasional blow-out, but from what you say this isn't that rare an occurrence with him. That and the horrible, resentful things he said to you indicate that this relationship is on its last legs.

I would advise you to take immediate steps towards being able to put a roof over your and your DCs' head.

Good luck, OP.

This.

You need to work for financial independence and your childrens' security.

CoffeeLover90 · 20/08/2022 10:05

So you look after his 2 kids, while he works but you do nothing? What would he do if you weren't providing free childcare? He'd either need to pay for it or couldn't commit to 50/50 and pay maintenance. I'm guessing you're good with his kids, to be trusted to take care of them but it doesn't sound like your own 2 are getting the same respect from him. I had a step dad who blatantly treat me differently to my sister (his own) I'd cottoned on from a very young age and it's not something I'd ever want my own to go through.
You've given up a job and relocated, basically upheavals yours and your kids life for someone who shows no interest in them, treats you like the hired help, talks to you like shit in front of them after sitting up drinking all night like a teenager. Yeah, pack up and leave, let him get a nanny.

Whadda · 20/08/2022 10:08

Why have you moved your children in with an abusive alcoholic?

If sounds like you’re not married, but you’re not working so in a very vulnerable position.

Is the house jointly owned? Do you have much equity in it?

FiveDollarMilkshake · 20/08/2022 10:09

I am fully aware that we are in a very fortunate position that at this moment in time I do not need to work.

you aren’t in a fortunate position at all! You shouldn’t have relocated to be with this person who clearly cannot contribute towards the home and doesn’t want to raise children with you. Everything @FetchezLaVache said is spot on.

HailAdrian · 20/08/2022 10:09

Go, let him come crawling back when he has to either quit his job or see his kids less.

BodenCardiganNot · 20/08/2022 10:11

Am I in the wrong for saying anything about his antics?
Why do you think you are wrong??? Can you not see what is front of your face.
What do your children think of how they have to live? Why are they not your priority?

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 20/08/2022 10:11

Christ OP, he sounds awful. And you relocated for this? Gave up your own setup and presumably moved the kids from their dad (I assume the ref to travelling is to facilitate contact)? Personally, I'd be looking for a route back ASAP. I don't demonise people for moving like some on here..there can be v good reasons to do so but to be with a new partner is rarely one of them, especially when, as in this case, he seems to believe he's got you trapped. He doesn't have 50/50 with his kids, you do. If you left and he had to do all the parenting he'd probably switch to eow in a flash. Lay plans, get some RL support, are family an option? But this won't improve. Also pretty shocked at the suggestion by a pp that you let a man who has stayed up all night drinking come on an outing with kids.

Onandupw · 20/08/2022 10:11

Christ get some self respect and protect your children.

Get a job and financial independence and move out with your kids.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 20/08/2022 10:25

My children are my main priority, they do not see their bio dad as there is a court order in place with no contact, he suffers from mental health problems, which he refuses to address, therefore is a risk to my children. I am fully aware I need to safeguard my children.
I have my own property, which I own, that I rent out. We are engaged and due to get married next year. I have just completed a diploma and intend to start a business.
I am in no way a weak, naive woman, I have lived an abusive relationship and have come out the other end with two happy, secure children, all thanks to me.
Believe it or not 90% of the time I have no issues in the relationship, it is always the same fight about me wanting him to do more with the kids, be more present, and do minimum housework. But when I voice these concerns, it gets nasty and I'm left feeling like shit. I even said to him the other day, it is not the 1950's and I am not his bitch but his opinions and attitude are totally outdated and quite frankly....stinks like shit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 20/08/2022 10:30

I do completely appreciate everyone's views and agree that things need to change, starting with me making sure I and the kids are financially secure and that is exactly what I will be working towards.

OP posts:
N27 · 20/08/2022 10:33

Sounds very similar to the final straw I had when I left my ex husband.

I got up one morning to find him pissed up on red wine, on the day we were due to go on holiday. He hadn’t been to bed and had stayed up all night drinking.

I tried not to cause a scene got the kids in the car and set off on a long drive down to Devon - pissed off that he has given no thought to making me do all the driving

i missed a turning on a roundabout, which wasn’t an issue I would just go around the round about again and take the right turning. He went ballistic that I had missed it. That right there was my lightbulb im done moment and I’ve never looked back.

he is still an alcoholic mess now.

im pretty sure OP that if you look back over his behaviour since you’ve known him this is not unusual and out of character for him. But each time he behaves like this you probably treat it in isolation and forgive it as a one off.

if you are honest, it probably isn’t a one off and is what he’s been like for 4 years, so do you want to spend the next four years like this?

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 20/08/2022 10:33

Thing is that 10% is a pretty important one. How is he going to react when you say you can nolonger do all the childcare because of your business? Chances are he'll try to stop you..he wants you relying on him.

Original poster
Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 20/08/2022 10:34

I know I shouldn't joke but I did say to him the other day that he should get a mail-order bride as they will mother him without the backchat and opinions.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/08/2022 10:43

You said “it gets nasty”
You have traded one abusive relationship for another.
Time to get your kids out of this.

Afterfire · 20/08/2022 10:54

He sounds absolutely DREADFUL.

What on earth are you doing with him? Seriously. He sounds like he’s full of resentment for you underneath it all and he doesn’t want to be a “family” with your children. You can’t live with someone like that, it isn’t fair on your kids. What a mess.

I would move back to your own property and completely get rid of him.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/08/2022 10:57

Wolfiefan · 20/08/2022 10:43

You said “it gets nasty”
You have traded one abusive relationship for another.
Time to get your kids out of this.

I’m sorry but this @Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears ...

He treats you like crap, takes you for granted… You surely must recognise this is abusive as well?

Its devastating for children to see their mother being disrespected and reduced to tears in front of them. They’ll grow up resenting him, or worse, think it’s ok to treat people like this.

No way in hell I’d be marrying this man.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/08/2022 10:58

If you’ve got any means of gaining financial freedom and leaving him, please do!

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/08/2022 11:00

Believe it or not 90% of the time I have no issues in the relationship, it is always the same fight about me wanting him to do more with the kids, be more present, and do minimum housework.

Please, raise your standards OP.

Fuck the housework and being present for the kids. He’s a lousy and disrespectful binge drinker, I haven’t got a clue why you’d like someone like this around your kids. It actually blessing he’s not parenting them.

MissTrip82 · 20/08/2022 11:03

I can’t bear these posts. They’re all the same - my children are my world etc. Full of lies. Your children aren’t your ‘priority’, you’ve exposed them to and made them dependent upon an absolute dick with a drinking problem.

If your children are truly your priority now’s the time to show it. Move out and support them yourself somewhere where they’re safe from this sort of person.

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