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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go away for a week without my daughter

46 replies

blinder · 19/08/2022 22:56

My DD is 12, soon to turn 13. I have been given a book deal (first one) and I have an opportunity to do a writing retreat for a week that will help me focus and get a lot of the writing done. It would also help me get into the mind set of being a writer. And the retreat itself includes daily exercises to help the writing process.

My daughter does not want me to go. She would be in the care of her father (my ex) and my DH, her step dad. She can stay in either house. We live very close to each other so she can easily decide where she wants to sleep. It would be a school week.

I already spend four nights away from home working (academic job 200 miles away from home), and she sometimes misses me on those trips, depending on how bored she was while I’m away. She’s with her dad on those days, and because we co-parent, those are his days to have her anyway. If she misses me during those trips she sometimes comes to stay at our house, with her step dad.

My DH thinks she is being unfair. She can go away for a week on a school trip, but she gets to prevent me going. Obviously, she’s a child. Buy actually she could cope without me for a week. We would talk every day. I’d still be involved in her evenings. Her daily routine would not change. I sometimes think that I don’t help her by focusing on how much she will miss me. I could just assume that she will cope fine, as she would.

what do you all think?

Yes you’re being unreasonable - don’t do the retreat!
No you’re not being unreasonable - do the retreat!

OP posts:
Original poster
blinder · 19/08/2022 22:57

I should say, because it’s not clear, I really really really want to go. I am worried that this is selfish and clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 19/08/2022 22:59

YANBU. A week isn't long at that age. Go for it and enjoy!

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 19/08/2022 23:00

I think the consequences longer term for allowing her to dictate your plans could be really challenging.
You can certainly listen to her and make your decision including her wishes but she doesnt get to choose. She's got TWO adults to support her home.

I'd imagine she's testing boundaries.

Jamaisy82 · 19/08/2022 23:00

It's only a week I would go away. Its not selfish for a week.

Greenbks · 19/08/2022 23:01

I clicked on expecting your dd to be 3/4 years old not 13! Lol,
I agree with your DH it does seem selfish on her part and I think you should absolutely go and enjoy yourself but talk to her ahead of it and let her know you will be available to talk and perhaps arrange some one- one time for when you are back to give her something to look forward to.

mycatisannoying · 19/08/2022 23:03

Do it. You matter too Flowers

Greenbks · 19/08/2022 23:03

Ps you sound like a wonderful Mum! Enjoy yourself

ThinWomansBrain · 19/08/2022 23:05

I clicked on expecting your dd to be 3/4 years old not 13!
& I thought you were wondering about leaving her "home alone"
Go

Original poster
blinder · 19/08/2022 23:06

I know it’s still early days for this thread and I could still get flamed :D but this is not the reaction I was expecting and I’m very touched!

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 19/08/2022 23:06

& congratulations on the book deal 😄

Lavendersummer · 19/08/2022 23:08

I voted go. You could always promise a nice activity with her when you get back.
what are her reasons for not wanting you to go?

AskforJanice · 19/08/2022 23:08

Definitely go! It’s only a week and she’ll be fine. Mine would guilt trip me too - but like yours would happily spend a week apart if it’s something they wanted to do xx

Original poster
blinder · 19/08/2022 23:09

Thank you @ThinWomansBrain it’s scary and exciting!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 19/08/2022 23:10

Go

Vikinga · 19/08/2022 23:10

Go and take some time off and spend a week with her. My teens would be absolutely fine!

TypeMite · 19/08/2022 23:11

Why wouldn't you go?

I left a 10 month old for a week, she is a teenager for Christ sake

Toosadtocomprehend · 19/08/2022 23:12

Just do it ..have a great time and am sure your daughter will be absolutely fine 💐

Original poster
blinder · 19/08/2022 23:13

Her reasons are that she already misses me for this four nights a month job that I do.
Honestly I think it’s a hangover from when her dad and I separated 8 years ago. She spent some nights with him and missed me - she is always anxious when I go away because she hates this feeling. She probably has got over this by now, because she can come and go as she wants to. But she either doesn’t realise that she’s over this, or she’s outright manipulating me!

We have a good relationship. We recently went to Greece for a week by ourselves. She gets more one to one time with me than many kids do.

So, actually, maybe it would be a good thing for her to survive a week and detach a little bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
blinder · 19/08/2022 23:15

When I say she spent some nights with her dad, I mean 3 or 4 nights a week every week. We did 50/50. In retrospect it was probably too much for her. But now she comes and goes as she wants to. It’s usually 4/5 nights with me, and 2/3 with her dad.

OP posts:
FlorettaB · 19/08/2022 23:17

She might want you around for that week but she doesn’t need you around for that week. She’s got her father and her stepfather. She’s old enough to understand that this is a big opportunity for you.

Enjoy your writing!

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 23:17

Can you give her something as a compromise? Like a day out when you get back?
I would explain to her how important this is - I think it's good for her to see a Mum being successful ☺️

TypeMite · 19/08/2022 23:17

blinder · 19/08/2022 23:13

Her reasons are that she already misses me for this four nights a month job that I do.
Honestly I think it’s a hangover from when her dad and I separated 8 years ago. She spent some nights with him and missed me - she is always anxious when I go away because she hates this feeling. She probably has got over this by now, because she can come and go as she wants to. But she either doesn’t realise that she’s over this, or she’s outright manipulating me!

We have a good relationship. We recently went to Greece for a week by ourselves. She gets more one to one time with me than many kids do.

So, actually, maybe it would be a good thing for her to survive a week and detach a little bit.

It doesn't matter what her reasoning is

She is unreasonable

Go

Original poster
blinder · 19/08/2022 23:18

I think maybe I need to get over the nights that she missed me when she was little. That’s the button she’s able to push.

Thanks all for the grounded reality-check responses!

OP posts:
Branster · 19/08/2022 23:31

OP this is a training work trip, not a jolly. This is how you need to approach it.
It just so happens that you'd actually enjoy this specific training.
DD is well cared for in your absence.
So you go.
And you bring her a little present back. An ' I saw this and thought of you' could be a beautiful leaf or a special hair-clip. It doesn't matter but you create this return home ritual to sweeten the deal.
All parents should always bring little presents for their children when they return from work trips.

TypeMite · 19/08/2022 23:33

Branster · 19/08/2022 23:31

OP this is a training work trip, not a jolly. This is how you need to approach it.
It just so happens that you'd actually enjoy this specific training.
DD is well cared for in your absence.
So you go.
And you bring her a little present back. An ' I saw this and thought of you' could be a beautiful leaf or a special hair-clip. It doesn't matter but you create this return home ritual to sweeten the deal.
All parents should always bring little presents for their children when they return from work trips.

I still have all the little trinkets my dad came home with from his work trips!

Definitely do this OP