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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go away for a week without my daughter

46 replies

blinder · 19/08/2022 22:56

My DD is 12, soon to turn 13. I have been given a book deal (first one) and I have an opportunity to do a writing retreat for a week that will help me focus and get a lot of the writing done. It would also help me get into the mind set of being a writer. And the retreat itself includes daily exercises to help the writing process.

My daughter does not want me to go. She would be in the care of her father (my ex) and my DH, her step dad. She can stay in either house. We live very close to each other so she can easily decide where she wants to sleep. It would be a school week.

I already spend four nights away from home working (academic job 200 miles away from home), and she sometimes misses me on those trips, depending on how bored she was while I’m away. She’s with her dad on those days, and because we co-parent, those are his days to have her anyway. If she misses me during those trips she sometimes comes to stay at our house, with her step dad.

My DH thinks she is being unfair. She can go away for a week on a school trip, but she gets to prevent me going. Obviously, she’s a child. Buy actually she could cope without me for a week. We would talk every day. I’d still be involved in her evenings. Her daily routine would not change. I sometimes think that I don’t help her by focusing on how much she will miss me. I could just assume that she will cope fine, as she would.

what do you all think?

Yes you’re being unreasonable - don’t do the retreat!
No you’re not being unreasonable - do the retreat!

OP posts:
sweetnoodle · 19/08/2022 23:37

Go on the trip.. it's for your future and will benefit her in the long run.
Maybe sweeten it up by promising her a trip or day out to thank her for supporting you on this ;)

Foxgluv · 19/08/2022 23:37

I'm usually in the 'stay with your kids' camp but you really should go. I would view this as more of an essential trip. Yes she'll miss you but it won't be long until you'll be back with her. You'll speak every day. Agree with PP you could arrange something nice to do together when you're home.

This is an amazing opportunity for you, and your family really. Take it, make the most of it. Congratulations.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 19/08/2022 23:43

Booked it, packed it, fucked off. Without a backwards glance!!

She has 2 adults looking after her. She's 13. She has access to contact you daily. She's used to you being away anyway. Off you pop and have a fab time.

Branster · 19/08/2022 23:45

@TypeMite same here 😁 chocolates long gone though!

My kids still have most of return trip gifts accumulated over the years.

N4ish · 19/08/2022 23:48

Honestly, you really should go! Sounds like you're letting misplaced guilt from something that happened years ago cloud your thinking on making this decision.

theleafandnotthetree · 20/08/2022 00:21

Of course you should go and indeed I wouldn't have entertained much discussion or hand wringing over it. It's work, it needs to be done, you want to go, end of. I am seperated too, share parenting time etc and honestly I think people in our situation can sometimes be overly conscientious and solicitous of our children's feelings and make a bigger deal of things than is healthy for everyone. And manipulation is definitely something to look out for.

Winecheesesleep · 20/08/2022 00:47

Please go! It sounds brilliant and it's an investment in yourself. I think you'd be setting a good example for her that you're being ambitious for yourself and doing something for you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/08/2022 01:46

A retreat makes it sound like a a nice, quiet holiday. It isn’t. It is a work trip.

I think you should make it clear to her that it is a work trip and, while you will miss her too, your attendance is non negotiable.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 20/08/2022 01:58

I wonder whether a bit of it is that you are giving her too many choices, about where she stays in the week. If she misses you she can go home to her step Dad you say earlier. I think that sometimes gives a child, even an older one like her, too much of the responsibility of ‘where will make them happy’. Rather than the stability of ‘this is time with your father’ and this is what happens there, this is your time with me, this is what happens here. So now you are going away, for longer, you are trying to ‘make it all OK’ with lots of contact and choices. But I think it’s going to make her feel much better if she can see from you that it’s all normal and OK, as part of you also feels good that she misses you. Kids can sense that.

HirplesWithHaggis · 20/08/2022 02:08

Branster · 19/08/2022 23:45

@TypeMite same here 😁 chocolates long gone though!

My kids still have most of return trip gifts accumulated over the years.

I still have the vinyl album (my first ever!) my dad brought me when he had a week away for training about 50 years ago. I remember how thrilled I was to receive it even now. (Though I was about 10 or 11, not a growedup 13) Grin So yes, OP, go on your training week and bring her back a small something. You can both benefit from this.

InTheFridge · 20/08/2022 02:22

Go. I'd tell you the same if you were going away with friends to lie in the sun.

lailamaria · 20/08/2022 02:57

i think you should go but i'm not a big fan of all the people being critical of your daughter for missing you when she's probably got separation anxiety for some reason (you haven't done anything wrong btw please go and have fun) she's a teenager she's allowed to be a tad unreasonable

Littlepaws18 · 20/08/2022 08:19

There is a great bluey episode about this! (Season 3- curry swap). It explains a parent leaving for a time perfectly. Although I have younger children I also have an 11 year old who loves this show and each episode has great messages!

XmasElf10 · 20/08/2022 08:41

I work away now and then for a week at a time. My DD 11 stays with my mum because her Dad works and isn’t able to do school runs. It’s a bit boring and she misses me but needs must. Your trip is work (and even if it wasn’t it would be ok). Go, your DD will be fine.

Classicblunder · 20/08/2022 08:43

CherryBlossomAutumn · 20/08/2022 01:58

I wonder whether a bit of it is that you are giving her too many choices, about where she stays in the week. If she misses you she can go home to her step Dad you say earlier. I think that sometimes gives a child, even an older one like her, too much of the responsibility of ‘where will make them happy’. Rather than the stability of ‘this is time with your father’ and this is what happens there, this is your time with me, this is what happens here. So now you are going away, for longer, you are trying to ‘make it all OK’ with lots of contact and choices. But I think it’s going to make her feel much better if she can see from you that it’s all normal and OK, as part of you also feels good that she misses you. Kids can sense that.

I thought this too.

Immaterialatthispoint · 20/08/2022 08:46

She’s 12 and it’s a week. This is nuts. Of course you should be going, I can’t believe the hand wringing you’re doing.

reelcat · 20/08/2022 16:24

YANBU and congratulations!

Original poster
blinder · 22/08/2022 14:44

Update…

I tested out “not feeling guilty” by making her get off her phone yesterday and forcing her to do literally ANYTHING else. No screens. She tried every manipulation possible to beg for more screen time but I stood my ground. She eventually made some cute little Fimo animals and even carried on today unprompted. She made me a key ring too. She loved it.

Having passed this parenting test, I told her this morning that I’m going on the retreat, and why. I said that when I was 17 I wanted to be an author but it felt like a romantic dream. And now I have this opportunity and I need and want to grab it. I said that the retreat will help me feel like I really am entitled to live this dream. She smiled enigmatically. Then she said, “I think I know your aesthetic. It’s ‘dark academic’. I can see you in an old house with like a mahogany library?” And, that was that. Accurate, too.

Thank you everyone. You helped me with way more than this one situation. Something big has changed in how I relate to her. I don’t mind upsetting her and she seems stronger because of it. I think this is a big lesson for me. 💜

OP posts:
Winecheesesleep · 22/08/2022 16:35

Lovely update, sounds like a really exciting time for you and she's (not literally!) coming on the journey with you.

Branster · 22/08/2022 17:09

Such a lovely update!
The key ring is going to the retreat with you.
And your DD is just Ace!!!

Sirzy · 22/08/2022 17:12

It’s a week. Go and enjoy she is staying with people who love her.

I am leaving Ds with his grandparents for 4 days this week. Not for anything important or helpful like your doing but simply for a few days away with my partner.

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