Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friendship dilemma

26 replies

Sarah0611 · 19/08/2022 21:35

Hi all, so I’ve been friends with a group of 4 girls for about twenty years. I’ve moved away (about an hour away from them) and we’ve still stayed in touch no problems! Until recently….one of the girls has moved even further away and expects me to drive 2 hours for a lunch date. I can’t do that. When we were younger I used to drive us all everywhere, no petrol money asked as i enjoyed their company and that was enough. But now I’ve said no, I can’t drive all that way anymore. Unfortunately I’ve had to cancel twice our meetings up as I haven’t been well - I have mental health problems and suffer from migraines. The girls were not happy with this.

Anyway, I try to keep in touch with our WhatsApp group. I did write a long message to them apologising for not being there as much as I would like but work, family and my college course and my mental health distracts me. One friend phoned me one day and I didn’t answer. When I saw her missed call I text straight away. Her reply was I’m not taking about this over the phone. Then a message went on the group chat saying ‘thank you (friend 2) for answering when I need you. even though I did reply via text. Then, I had my phone off last week as I had broken down on the motor way for four hours. There was many messages about one friend going for a new job. I didn’t see them. When she mentioned it again I said, oh what’s this? A blunt reply. I messaged - read the messages. No are you ok after the breakdown etc.

i arranged with another friend on the chat to go out. I have messaged twice now - no answer. Ignored.

i give up! I can’t message the friend again as I don’t want to look like a beg friend! I’m trying hard to make amends for missing calls etc. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is off? Or am i making a big old deal over nothing? I know you guys will give me the truth!

trying to save a 20 year old friendship here but it’s difficult!

Thanks for reading this diatribe! in the grand scheme of life it’s trivial I know - just wanted your opinion.

OP posts:
oopsfellover · 19/08/2022 21:39

It all sounds a bit intense - has this always been the dynamic? When you say you’re trying to save a 20 year friendship do you mean with one of them or the group as a whole?
I would also be wanting to hang onto the friendships if possible but I couldn’t be doing with people getting arsey about messages/calls not being returned quickly.

BloodyCamping · 19/08/2022 21:43

Personally I’d widen the friendship group so that you’re less dependant on them. It’s not a crime to miss a phone all or be slow to reply to WhatsApp or be poorly or to opt not to provide lifts.

Original poster
Sarah0611 · 19/08/2022 21:48

Thank you for your reply. I want to hang onto the friendship with all of them. I think dynamics have changed. Before I was always there. Answering every single message. Now I’m not so much as I have so much going on which I have explained. I agree. It is intense. I did send a long message saying I’m sorry for being such a rubbish friend and not answering all the messages so they know why I’m not answering them. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah0611 · 19/08/2022 21:50

Thank you for your reply! Your username makes me laugh. I was stuck on the m5 last week after ‘bloody camping’ lol. I do have a wide circle of friends - these are my friends from ‘home’. We’ve been through a lot together and they’ve been so kind to me which is why I’m at a loss as to what’s happening now x

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 19/08/2022 21:58

Have you posted about this before? The scenario sounds familiar.

Agree with PP - cultivate other friendships, and don't be too apologetic.

Call back the one who called you. See if you can get her to spit it out.

catandcoffee · 19/08/2022 22:04

So YOU were always the one that was there for them but now YOU need understanding and support... they're ignoring you ?

Original poster
Sarah0611 · 19/08/2022 22:12

Hello, no not spoken about this before. My first post! I have written a long message explaining why I have not replied to messages. I think it’s because I have been so available before and not so much now it’s kind of annoyed them. It’s the little digs you get from the messages that irk me. For example the ne said ‘ well you think you know whose there for you, but their obviously not’ . I don’t rise to that sort of thing. I’m pretty placid. But if I ask why haven’t you responded to my messages I know I’ll get the response ‘well I didn’t have time to see them’ echoing my response from when I broke down!

Jeeez, this really sounds like playground stuff doesn’t it!!!!

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 19/08/2022 22:16

Yes it does. They don't sound like real friends with that kind of pass-agg comment.

SunshineAndFizz · 19/08/2022 22:30

I mean this kindly, but you're probably coming across as a flake. Not willing to drive to see them, cancelling plans multiple times, not returning phone calls (texting back doesn't count), not reading messages.

Sounds like you have valid reasons for all of the above, but are they aware of them? If not, you need to speak to them properly and explain what you're going through, otherwise it just looks like you're the one not making effort and they'll not understand why.

Original poster
Sarah0611 · 19/08/2022 22:32

Aaand this why I posted on here. As I knew someone would give me a straight response. Like you and others have. I am very critical of myself, I know when I haven’t been a good friend. And I haven’t recently to these guys. Friend 1 had a particularly nasty break up with a horrible man. I couldn’t be there in person but due to my knowledge of housing etc I helped her over the phone to give advice about how to escape. Since then, she’s still trauma due to how he treated her. I listened and listened for four years. But I only visited once. Due to the 2 hour distance between us. Does this make me a bad friend? I have helped her move 4 times. Given her furniture but not been there in person.

during this time friend number 2 used to call me all the time slating friend 1 and I listened. Never repeated. Did not join in. So I have a feeling they are doing the Same to me now. In fact there a friend number 3 who they will happily slate too.

like I have said, these girls were with me through a very difficult time in my life when my baby passed away and still send me flowers 11 years on - im reluctant to end the friendship. Not for the flowers!!! But because they have been there for me. But I’m just finding all this bitch business and ghosting a bit too much!

gosh what a whinge bag I am! I do apologise!

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 19/08/2022 22:40

Oh god I'm so sorry for what you've been through with your baby. Just heartbreaking.

It sounds like you've all been there for each other a lot over the years, and therefore can get back to a good place again. Sometimes life gets in the way/circumstances change and it just makes it slightly harder.

Speak to them and clear the air. Arrange a Zoom wine catch up if you can't physically see them. Let them know how you're feeling.

Original poster
Sarah0611 · 19/08/2022 22:44

Thank you for your honest response. I totally get that too! And I totally agree with you. It does look flakey. No one appreciates ppl that cancel on them etc - well I don’t mind. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong thinking well I don’t mind if it happens to me. Before I was very much a yes person. I’ll drive here there and everywhere. No questions. Now I say no. I will drive but we can meet halfway.

in regards to the phone call. I’ve always been there to answer calls. Even if I don’t feel like talking due to mental health. Thus time I wasn’t. It only happened once. However friend didn’t çall twice to talk to me. That’s my bad. Now the ignoring, what a to do.

you know what though, you calling me flakey hit the nail on the head there. Yes I am. And thank you for bringing that to my attention x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah0611 · 19/08/2022 22:52

Thank you lovely sunshine for your kind words! Yes I will try again with them to arrange a zoom call etc. That’s great advice. It’s a shame that this has all happened and the bitchiness that’s got involved with it all. I’m a pest! I will keep on trying with them. They are probably sick of me. But a 20 year old friendship is too much too throw away. Thank you again for your response, and a little bit of realisation for me too xx

OP posts:
MouseRoar · 19/08/2022 23:15

Very sorry for your loss of your lovely baby.

You don't sound flakey to me, you actually sound lovely. Really considerate and a bit hard on yourself, if anything.

I think friendships, like all relationships, can go through hard times, and it sounds like that's where you are at now. Communication is the key, but please don't put all the blame on yourself. Tell your friends honestly, you couldn't be there as you usually would for very, very valid reasons, and you are hoping for their understanding, not their judgement and the fear that they will be bit hing behind your back.
Treat yourself as well as you would your friends, is my advice.

MouseRoar · 19/08/2022 23:16

bitching not bit hing. Sorry!

StaunchMomma · 19/08/2022 23:33

Are you the only one with a family of your own?

You hear of this scenario when one is settled down and the others single fairly often.

.If you don't have the time you used to then you just don't have it, OP. There's no need to label yourself a shit friend for being busy!

ManateeFair · 20/08/2022 00:00

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear you lost your baby. What a terrible thing to have gone through.

I don’t think you sound especially flakey. I wouldn’t expect friends to read and reply to every message in a WhatsApp group straight away at all, or immediately answer my call if they were busy! I would also not expect lots of visits from a friend who lives two hours away - pretty normal to see a lot less of people when they don’t live nearby. That’s not being a shit friend, it’s just having a normal life with normal commitments! And if my friends have health issues, physical or mental, I accept they might have to cancel plans sometimes.

during this time friend number 2 used to call me all the time slating friend 1 and I listened. Never repeated. Did not join in. So I have a feeling they are doing the Same to me now. In fact there a friend number 3 who they will happily slate too.

They don’t sound very nice, tbh. If anyone’s a shit friend here, I don’t think it’s you!

Original poster
Sarah0611 · 20/08/2022 00:21

Thanks guys for your replies. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah0611 · 20/08/2022 00:22

Thank you mouse xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2022 00:25

Some friendships just come to an end. That's the way life goes.

Itstrueiagree · 20/08/2022 00:41

I'd just ring them rather than text. Its never the same and texts tend to lose their meaning. Hope you sort it out.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/08/2022 09:12

I posted on here recently as my best friend of nearly 40 years decided to blame me for Covid lockdown and was a complete bitch to me and was a nightmare bridesmaid. The advice on here was to let her go and I do feel much better for it tbh.

Original poster
Sarah0611 · 24/08/2022 21:02

Thank you it’satrue. Things seem a bit better this week. More communication. I’m just a little more reserved now and treading on egg shells a little bit things will get better x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah0611 · 24/08/2022 21:08

Oh no teaandtoast. Thank you for your reply. I have read somewhere in my vast inspirational quotes on FB that, it’s not the time we know someone but how they are treating us now. I think because, like your friend and you, we have been friends for so many years - we try and salvage the friendship as much as we can. However in reality, despite the years we don’t deserve ti be treated horribly. I have friends now who I’ve know for a lot less but the friendships are so much easier. I’m sorry to hear your friend was a nightmare bridesmaid abd as for Covid? That certainly wasn’t your fault! I’m glad to hear things are better Bow you’ve cut ties. She may realise her behaviour and what she has lost. Xx

OP posts:
Mary46 · 24/08/2022 22:26

Sorry for your loss op x. Yes friendships can be tricky. Its hard when people dont live nearby. I found a few of mine drifted lately its either zero effort or we just at different stages but its hurtful.