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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make this judgement about a potential date

27 replies

Lolabray · 19/08/2022 16:43

Aibu

in that I have been talking to this guy, he seems intelligent pleasant solvent, says he has his own house. However laid his cards on table and told me he has issues with his back and has been off work since October and is claiming universal credits.

i am a single mum I’ve claimed benefits whilst working.

my friend told me not to go for him for this reason. He also told me he can’t walk far and needs a stick.

part of me feels sorry part of me is like no way part of me likes him.

I am testing the waters of internet dating and wondered what other peoples thoughts were. Should I meet the guy and give him the chance or does it seem too much hard work?

OP posts:
Eunorition · 19/08/2022 16:54

You're on benefits. He's on benefits. Be a bit of weird of you to judge him for being in the same circumstances as you.

RatherBeRiding · 19/08/2022 16:56

Seems a bit shallow to rule him out just because he's got a bad back and can't currently work, if he otherwise seems like a decent bloke.

I'd at least meet him before ruling him out.

Sunnyqueen · 19/08/2022 16:59

Poor guy. I think do him a favour and don't meet him.

Discovereads · 19/08/2022 17:05

I’d meet him in person. It would be sad to pass up on a great person who just happens to have a physical disability.

Welshmaenad · 19/08/2022 17:23

Can I clarify whether your issue that he's currently on sick benefits, or that he walks with a stick?

Because one makes you a hypocrite and one makes you ableist and I'd like to establish which.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/08/2022 17:28

I think he deserves better, so move on.

Surplus2requirements · 19/08/2022 18:20

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/08/2022 17:28

I think he deserves better, so move on.

^ this

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 19/08/2022 18:23

If your heart says' No' then let him go.

Ihatethenewlook · 19/08/2022 18:33

I guess he deserves better than me also then. As I wouldn’t date someone with no job who can barely walk. I have a very active lifestyle, and I work hard to afford things that people on benefits probably couldn’t. It would automatically mean me paying for everything nice that we wanted to do

ChrisTrepidation · 19/08/2022 18:38

You are allowed to have whatever standards you want when it comes to dating.

Women are always being told we are 'too picky' Its how patriarchy works.

I am on UC because I am low income even though I work (due to being a lone parent a,,
fter my husband walked out on his family) I wouldn't date a man claiming benefits because I am now only willing to date men with a good income. I've done the whole dating poor men thing and they've only ever made me end up poorer whilst they leeched off me.

I also wouldn't date a person with mobility issues because I am a very active person and want someone similar.

Don't date someone you aren't 100% comfortable dating.

OwlInBoots · 19/08/2022 18:48

God no. Give this one a miss. Why on earth would you date someone on benefits who can't walk far?

Leave him to all the bleeding hearts who'll no doubt litter up this thread telling you how awful you are. I'm sure they'll snap him up ... won't they?

The ideal when you're dating is someone as close to what you're looking for as possible. Of course in a committed relationship illness and hardship can happen but that's a whole different thing.

Don't whatever you do hook up with someone skint, on benefits, walking with a stick

Konstantine8364 · 19/08/2022 18:52

You can choose not to date someone for any reason. Personally I wouldn't date this person, I'm very active and enjoy doing active things with my partner. Back issues are usually chronic/get worse rather than better too.

My personal opinion is it's fine to want to date someone with a similar income to you, so you aren't subsidising someone else, but it's money grabbing to only date people with a higher income than you!

TitInATrance · 19/08/2022 18:52

I have said no to online daters with a walking disability because I’m a keen walker and want to meet someone who can wander about all day with me. I’m not providing a public services and equal opportunities don’t apply here.

I might add that my profile is clear about this from the outset.

Ihatethenewlook · 19/08/2022 18:57

OwlInBoots · 19/08/2022 18:48

God no. Give this one a miss. Why on earth would you date someone on benefits who can't walk far?

Leave him to all the bleeding hearts who'll no doubt litter up this thread telling you how awful you are. I'm sure they'll snap him up ... won't they?

The ideal when you're dating is someone as close to what you're looking for as possible. Of course in a committed relationship illness and hardship can happen but that's a whole different thing.

Don't whatever you do hook up with someone skint, on benefits, walking with a stick

This. When you’re looking for a potential partner, you’re generally not looking for someone you’ll immediately have to financially provide for and who will probably end up having to be an unpaid carer for.

Glitterandunicorns · 19/08/2022 19:05

I am horrified by some of the comments on this thread. I have a disability which means that on some days I can't walk more than a couple of miles without struggling a bit the next day.

By all means, make whatever dating choices you wish, but let's not be vile in the way you describe people like me please. Talking about not being "equal opportunities?!" Some of you should hang your heads in shame and hope to God or the universe that you never injure yourselves randomly one day and find it's not fixable.

OP- if you're going skiing every weekend then I can understand why you might not think someone with a physical disability might not be a good match. Depends on what you're after in a relationship really.

Welshmaenad · 19/08/2022 19:08

So what everyone's saying here is that people with disabilities don't deserve relationships, unless it's out of pity from some 'bleeding heart' scraping the bottom of the barrel?

Wow. I'm so glad that my DP was a little more open minded when we met, as I can barely walk at all, yet we have a terrific relationship and do plenty of fun things together.

lap90 · 19/08/2022 19:12

I wouldn't date someone who has been out of work for nearly a year, no.

You can choose not to date someone for whatever reason.

Tigerstripes1 · 19/08/2022 19:14

No way would I date someone on benefits. Sorry, but I have standards. A mobility issue may not be a huge issue for me but I would expect them to at least be working (plenty of work from home/office jobs available).

Ofalltheginjoints · 19/08/2022 19:19

If you don't want to date him OP don't but Jesus this thread is eye opening about dating someone with a disability but probably explains the comments I've had from possible dates including being called a cripple and being told they don't want to be a carer, which is good as I dont need one!

Not everyone who has a disability can't do things I've competed in world championships as have other disabled friends of mine, for other people with a disability it's the last thing they'd want to do maybe ask him how it impacts him rather then assumptions about how far he can walk etc (not you op other people on here)

Bunchymcbunchface · 19/08/2022 19:22

I wouldn’t meet him.

bcc89 · 19/08/2022 19:40

OwlInBoots · 19/08/2022 18:48

God no. Give this one a miss. Why on earth would you date someone on benefits who can't walk far?

Leave him to all the bleeding hearts who'll no doubt litter up this thread telling you how awful you are. I'm sure they'll snap him up ... won't they?

The ideal when you're dating is someone as close to what you're looking for as possible. Of course in a committed relationship illness and hardship can happen but that's a whole different thing.

Don't whatever you do hook up with someone skint, on benefits, walking with a stick

This is lovely.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/08/2022 19:46

I would want to start a relationship with someone I can do active things with (how I met DH). Obviously within a relationship, life can serve curveballs and I'd stay with DH, but we have a long foundation together.

For me, I'd be wanting to form bonds over shared active experiences at the dating stage. That doesn't mean I think poorly of people with poor mobility, I've had close friends who use mobility aids including wheelchairs and crutches, but I have autonomy in who I choose to date. There are other people out there more suited to date this man. I wouldn't be suitable dating material for someone who wanted a very sedentary life.

Dating is about being able to vet choices to improve odds of developing a decent relationship

LadyKenya · 19/08/2022 19:50

TitInATrance · 19/08/2022 18:52

I have said no to online daters with a walking disability because I’m a keen walker and want to meet someone who can wander about all day with me. I’m not providing a public services and equal opportunities don’t apply here.

I might add that my profile is clear about this from the outset.

Was there any need to elaborate that you are not here to provide equal opportunities? This is a person you are talking about here. Plenty of people are on here who may have mobility problems and be trying to find a partner. You would not date him, fine. There was no need for the rest.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/08/2022 20:01

Dating and relationships aren't a human right so you don't have to date him but equally I think people need to be realistic about their prospects - yourself included.

XenoBitch · 19/08/2022 20:02

You can date who you want, and you can reject someone for any reason.

Very unreasonable of your friend to have such an input into this though.

Maybe meet up and see what happens anyway. And also remember that one day it could be you on UC with a bad back/injury.

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