AIBU re. other children?

[Orla32]

I have a DS who is just over 3 months old - who I am currently up feeding and am thinking...

We have been going out a fair bit to make sure he is introduced to all family. Anyway, on Monday we met my aunty (who has a DD that is 3 1/2) and yesterday we met my cousin (who also has a DD who is 2).

Both their DDs where obviously excited to meet DS which is great. They held him (with help), stroked his face etc etc... however, BOTH TIMES they put their hands in my DS mouth - one of whom had just been playing in the garden, coming into contact with mud etc - my aunty and cousin did nothing about this. I am finding myself being really annoyed that they did not stop their DD's, or at least tell them not in the mouth!!!

AIBU - to be really annoyed that neither said anything and choosing not to visit these family members again (unless it's a structured activity, I.e., a walk so their DD's wouldn't be able to stick their hands in his mouth)?

I would be mortified if my older child put their hands in a baby's mouth (especially if hands were not clean).

Did you say something?!

no one will be as aware of your child and what’s happening to them as you are - if you want to avoid this sort of thing you need to learn to speak up.

Or …just a thought… say ‘would you like to hold the baby? Ok, go and wash your hands and then you can hold her’.

Yes, I agree with pp. When you have a newborn this seems really shocking. When you have a toddler and you've seen them eat mud, sand etc you sort of forget what it's like to worry about this sort of thing! Did you tell the girls to stop?

Yes washing hands pre baby holding isn’t a dramatic request at all, pretty standard I’d say. Although possibly not at 3 months.

In my experience, children that size do seem to want to shove their fingers in babies mouths. Agree you’d think their parents would say something but you can’t rely on other people to be paying attention so I’d learn to find your voice with these things.

They're only toddlers themselves. Yes, bit gross, but it's the sort of thing small children do. The parents probably should have said not to, but it's not like the dc were doing it to hurt the baby. Maybe they were just relieved they were being cute and gentle with him rather than poking him in the eyes 😂

You were there too, why didn't you say "no, dear, don't do that"?

You'd be unreasonable to stop seeing family over this. These are your child's future playmates. And when yours is a toddler, he'll be sticking his hands everywhere too.

You could’ve said something? No point sitting there annoyed and not speaking up.

Definitely feel confident to say before you hold the baby lets go wash your hands and give a reminder not to put hands/fingers on/in baby’s mouth. Sometimes you even have to remind grown ups!

I think a really gentle YABU. This feels like a big deal to you now because your baby isn’t mobile yet. Once they are they’ll be putting all sorts of grim stuff in their mouth themselves.

Parents of toddlers have a slightly warped vision of disgusting behaviour because ALL toddlers do disgusting things. They probably did 10 things that were more gross that day.

I agree ideally the parents would have said “not in his mouth please” or something but they probably wouldn’t have been able to actually stop it happening in the first place unless they just didn’t let the toddlers hold the baby.

This is so true!

i think we have all been there. Everyone must remember their first visit to softplay with their first child? I was HORRIFIED at how big and rough the older children (probably 18 months + were).

then your child gets to that age….and you realise those children were nothing compared to your own wrecking ball!

Just tell the children how to act around your baby. Ideally the parents would as well, but it's up to you to make sure your baby's treated the way you want them to be. Take a proactive approach especially with a 2 year old and talk them through it. I wouldn't stop seeing people for this reason. In 6 months your baby will be crawling and eating mud themselves so it's a short term problem - although close supervision will be needed still.

It won't be long before your own DS is shoving all sorts of crap into his own mouth

You'll laugh soon at how you got yourself worked up about this

YABU to not see these relatives again because their toddlers behaved like normal toddlers.

Next time just speak up... "don't put your fingers in his mouth darling, thank you" ....job done, all is well

You need to speak up if you aren't happy

Oh op don't worry. It gets much worse. Baby will be fine.

I would have stopped my toddler.

If it happens again just stop them. Gently hold their hand and say, "don't do that, we don't put our hands in baby's mouth"

My DH has a thing about washing hands and when we had visitors around to see our baby, first thing he would say was wash your hands then you can hold baby. Our first DC was in special care for a few days, so we were introduced to hand washing early. My 2 DC are now adults and are very good hand washers. It’s definitely down to parenting, you come in from garden, before dinner, after going to the toilet, after play, you wash hands.

Don't stop going, next time ask them to wash their children's hands first. Toddlers are mug magnets, you will find this out in time, the also find it hard to follow instructions esp the 2 year old who is still a baby, a much bigger baby but still a baby. Ask next time and give gentle reminders to the children.

Muck magnets not mug magnets

Well I would have asked them to wash their hands and definitely stopped them myself and to be honest with Covid I would have expected you to know better. It's up to you to protect your baby from all sorts. No one else will.

Of course the mothers of the toddlers should have stopped them putting their hands in babies mouth. I’d be pissed off too. I wouldn’t stop visiting though, unless there are other reasons. Just tell their mums they can hold baby once they’ve washed hands and tell them not to put hands in baby’s mouth. Don’t leave it to their mums to deal with. Same goes for anyone dking something you don’t like with the baby. Don’t rely on other people to get it right

Also, parents of newborns (myself included!) forget what babies toddlers are themselves. They don’t mean any malice but do we’d lots of gentle reminders of how to behave. It’s how they learn

YABU and overreacting.

You are also going to have to learn to be assertive and advocate for your child now you’re a parent.

If you don’t like something, say so. Don’t sit there waiting for others to mind read that you might have a problem with a perfectly normal situation.

Imagine if your baby had young siblings? Then this scenario would likely happen regularly!

I always made kids wash their hands before holding my 2, and d if the same when my dc were holding small babies, or any young mammal ie puppies, kittens. Just make it a rule although late to enforce. You can still say please don't put your fingers in his mouth. By 3 months some parents will have begun to relax about that sort of thing so if you haven't then it's on you to speak up. Not sure why you didn't?!

It's normal to feel protective of your baby, you're supposed to feel this way.

You're right they should have washed hands before holding the baby and their parents should have said something about putting fingers in the baby's mouth.

You know, you don't have to let anyone hold your baby unless you 100% want them to. So you could visit again but say no to anyone holding the baby?

Ehh ideally the parents would have said 'don't forget to wash your hands before you cuddle the baby!' but since they didn't I would just make a mental note to say it in the future.

I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

At 3 months your LO will soon be shoving all sorts of stuff in their mouth (including people's hands). For me this helped me to relax a little about cleanliness of toys, etc as he literally wants to chew everything, although not with hands since hand washing is such a simple thing to do.