AIBU re. other children?

[Orla32]

I have a DS who is just over 3 months old - who I am currently up feeding and am thinking...

We have been going out a fair bit to make sure he is introduced to all family. Anyway, on Monday we met my aunty (who has a DD that is 3 1/2) and yesterday we met my cousin (who also has a DD who is 2).

Both their DDs where obviously excited to meet DS which is great. They held him (with help), stroked his face etc etc... however, BOTH TIMES they put their hands in my DS mouth - one of whom had just been playing in the garden, coming into contact with mud etc - my aunty and cousin did nothing about this. I am finding myself being really annoyed that they did not stop their DD's, or at least tell them not in the mouth!!!

AIBU - to be really annoyed that neither said anything and choosing not to visit these family members again (unless it's a structured activity, I.e., a walk so their DD's wouldn't be able to stick their hands in his mouth)?

I would be mortified if my older child put their hands in a baby's mouth (especially if hands were not clean).

Next time tell the children (or anyone) if they are doing something you’re not comfortable with. This will take practice if you’re not naturally an assertive person but will come in time. Small children will put their fingers in babies mouths, eyes, squeeze them a bit too hard. I wouldn’t let small children interact too much with such a young baby, there’s plenty of time for that.
You’re probably a bit mad with yourself for not speaking up and that’s ok - you can’t be everywhere all the time and you can’t control everything. If you’re seeing guests it doesn’t hurt to prompt the children, “No hands in mouth/eyes please, we don’t do that” and the adults too,“Please can you make sure the kiddies don’t grab his mouth or eyes, I know what little ones can be like.” No parent would take exception - they have probably (at least partially) forgotten how terrifying and fragile a newborn can be and how boisterous older children are by comparison. When mine were babies I was a germaphobe to the point of exhaustion. My DC (1 and 3) are now constantly slobbery kissing, sharing half-eaten food, drinking bath water and putting their hands in each other’s mouths. Beyond following them around with hand sanitiser or scolding their every move there’s not too much I can do about it. It sounds disgusting but it’s just the reality of small children.

Try and get in a little routine of asking everyone to wash their hands when they are going to hold your baby; I have a DD of similar age and have tried this from the word go so that my older DD has this as habit. It's been helpful as she'll remember when I don't (!) if we're with other family members or her friends on the playground as she knows about keeping hands from baby's mouth/ face.

If it makes you comfortable to have a more structured routine when seeing people, do that though OP. We all have to adjust to make sure we're feeling comfortable when we have young ones- I don't think your family members would even necessarily pick up on this suggestion of a walk so wouldn't worry about offending them but you'll feel less anxious.

When DS was that age he got to play Jesus in the playgroup nativity (DD1 was Mary). During the performance he started to get a little fractious so DD1 put her little finger in his mouth to soothe him. Cue Joseph, the three wise men, stars, sheep etc all wanting a go at putting a finger in Jesus' mouth!

DS is now 24 and seems to have survived!

Thanks all for more rational POV.

Perhaps I am annoyed more at myself for not saying anything - something which I will be conscious of in future. I guess I have always thought it was right to leave it to the parent to tell their children not to do something - but I see it's my responsibility to ensure these things don't happen.

Of course I understand that he will get all sorts in his mouth - especially when I go back to work and he starts nursery - I think perhaps Covid has made me a lot more conscious about germs etc!!

I think you would be unreasonable to stop visiting family over this
You should have gently asked them to take their fingers out of babies mouth.
My DC are all teens/ early twenties and it wasn't that unusual people to put a finger in babies mouth for them.to suck as a comfort if they cried, and comment approvingly of strong sucking action!
No one washed their hands before holding a baby in the 2000s.
The babies survived and have grown up.
My oldest DC had a bad case of impetigo when youngest was born, that was a bit of a nightmare but baby didn't catch it.
If you can Breastfeeding is great for giving babies immunity .

I guess I have always thought it was right to leave it to the parent to tell their children not to do something

It's fine to calmly tell or ask someone else's child to stop doing something like that to your own. (Only completely batty parents would be offended, and best to flush those ones out 😁.)

They didn't say anything cause they've got past the PFB stage and realised that children put all kinds of things in their mouths and survive.

They probably didn't even connect that this would bother you.

Yeah, it was part of learning how to be a parent, for me, to figure out you have to stop other children bothering your child. I remember feeling really guilty because a toddler girl had hugged my baby and he didn't like it. I didn't want to say anything because she wasn't mine. But I should have put my son first and told her no thank you, he doesn't like it. You have to advocate for your kid, especially while they can't talk still, and if the other parent doesn't like it then the other parent needs to be quicker about reining in their kid.

This is just the start of awkward interactions with other people's children 😁

Anything I've read said it's not okay for children to hold young babies as they carry so much germs (probably not as risky now in summer with schools off although creches/nurseries still open) so I'd be saying 'look but don't touch the baby until he's older' - at least until his immune system is developed and he's got some vaccines which will be soon.

It shocks you when it happens to your newborn, it’s “meh” when your toddler does it because toddlers shove their hands everywhere and shove anything in their mouths.

Your baby will be fine. See your family, that’s more important than stressing about germs.