For expecting DH to stay quiet

[SmoothKent]

My only family dynamics are somewhat dysfunctional and involved a lot of lying and secret keeping between my parents, which dragged my siblings and me into it. I therefore avoid any secret keeping and lying with DH because I know how messed up it was.

DH’s family are also very much against lying and any form of dishonesty. That said, his mum often tells very small inconsequential white lies (silly things such as claiming the jar opened is the new one just bought when it’s the one that’s been sitting in the fridge for a year, or the fruit and veg has been washed when it hasn’t), although she did tell us a big lie around the time of our wedding when it came to inviting extended family.

Anyway, that is all background information. We are currently visiting my in laws. There’s some news about my mum which I found out yesterday, which I specifically told DH not to mention because I know his mum will make a big deal out of it, and I don’t have the energy for that, and I’d rather wait and see how the next couple of days go. DH told me that’s fine.

All day MIL has been asking me how my parents are, and I’ve just been saying fine. DH told me tonight that he actually told his mum last night. I got annoyed and he apologised, saying that it didn’t feel right to deceive his parents when we’re staying with them. I’m annoyed because I didn’t want anyone to know, as his mum is huge gossip and she wouldn’t stop talking to me about it, when I don’t want to talk about it. Also, it’s my family’s business and no one else’s. Secondly, all day I’ve been telling her my parents are fine when all along she knew so she will know I’m lying. And also, I specially told DH not to say anything and he betrayed that.

However, I genuinely don’t know if I was asking too much of DH to not tell his mum and that it breaches the importance of not lying.

YABU - you’re staying with his parents at the moment, they should know something is happening.

YANBU - you asked him not to say anything and he did, that’s not ok.

I’d be mad too. I’d tell him now you can’t visit his parents any time there are any issues going on you don’t feel like talking about because he puts telling them everything over his wife’s feelings about her own friends and families Issues. To mil I’d just say coolly Dh says he has told you but I really don’t want to talk about it at the moment and leave the room. That will make her stop her nudge nudge asking and show you know she’s been lying. You are really not being unreasonable, I’ve done this all the time.

He’s broken your trust. You weren’t asking him to “lie”, just to not mention something personal, for very good reasons.

It’s not his news to tell, he shouldn’t have told. I’d be really upset with him, and even more so that he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

This is presumably the last thing you need at a difficult time. Sending best wishes to you and your mum.

He shouldn't have said anything. It's private information.

Your husband is very wrong.

I'm assuming this is your mum's personal health news? I would not speak to him about your parents until you get home. If his parents ask I'd keep saying 'fine' if either he or they call you out over it I would just say it was not your husbands news to share and you do not wish to talk about it.
I'd also warn your parents he has blabber incase they ring your mum...

wasnt his place whether people are liars or not

I assume this is something to do with your mum's health? I'd ask him straight, why he thought it was OK to discuss her medical stuff with his family, after you specifically told him you didn't want him to. It's not a matter of lying, or even secrets, it's about privacy.

I wouldn't trust him with anything like that again, & TBH I'd tell him so.

There some are situations where morals conflict and you usually know instinctively which is more important.

In this case protecting your Mum is more important than telling the truth.

DH and I are one of those couples where if you tell one us something be sure that person will tell the other, we absolutely don't keep anything from each other.

BUT.....

Neither of us would EVER tell another living soul, especially if the teller had explicitly asked the listener not to!!!!

YANBU and you DH is BMASSIVELYU !!

To be fair, knowing that:
DH’s family are also very much against lying and any form of dishonesty. You had to know that if he’s asked a direct question by his mum or dad, he’s probably not going to be able to lie to them successfully. And I think most of your annoyance is you’ve been caught lying redhanded by MIL.

I think also by asking him to keep a secret you were going against your own values? I therefore avoid any secret keeping and lying with DH because I know how messed up it was.

You avoid it except when you don’t. I don’t see why you couldn’t have curated a truthful response that doesn’t have the gory details and then said you’d rather not discuss it now but wait until you get more information?

Its interesting too, how you are literally copying your parents?
”My only family dynamics are somewhat dysfunctional and involved a lot of lying and secret keeping between my parents, which dragged my siblings and me into it.”

You and your DH did agree to keeping this secret between each other…which has already affected your and his relationships with his mum and dad. The secret keeping is what is messed up. Not the fact your DH couldn’t keep the secret of or a day. It would have come out eventually.

You're not being unreasonable at all and I wouldn't trust him with anything else (sadly).

No-one seems capable of keeping confidences anymore. You see it here all the time - wife must share with husband, husband must share with wife and now husband / wife must share with parents 😔.

Keeping your mouth shut about people's business is not the same as lying.

Doesn’t have anything to do with lying to his parents or how families feel about lying. It’s not that deep and he isn’t 5.
This was not his secret to tell.

I’d have a word with Mil and say it is still privileged information and that you’d appreciate if she kept it to herself

Keeping someone elses news/business/health matters private is NOT the same as being deceitful to the 3rd party imo.
Otherwise we would all be expected to spill the beans of peoples pregnancy/buying an engagement ring/abusive relationship/being referred for medical tests everytime someone else asks 'how is X these days?'
I wouldnt even consider it that you asjed DH to keep a secret, you just asked him to keep your mums private affairs private, they have nothibg to do with hid mother. Depending what the actual information is I dont even know if its your olace to share it nevermind him

Your husband was in the wrong.

Keeping private matters private isn't deceiving or lying.

It's not his news to spread.

Cunts trick in my books and if he expects honestly and full disclosure from you then he has to realize that requires discretion and loyalty from him.

I'd be fucking livid

Your husband is totally in the wrong. Keeping a confidence is not lying. And your MIL poking her beak in is not about abhorring lying, it's plain nosey. It's not her business, therefore she has no right to know.

It wasn't his information to give out. My dh has form for letting the cat out of the bag but often tells me not to say anything. He's lost my trust and I no longer tell him anything personal which is sad really but its his own doing and has happened far too many times.
I'd be tempted to say to mil that you know your dh has told her and you don't wish to discuss it.

My OH forgets when told to say nothing about a private issue it just falls out of his mou and. So I'm selective about what he's told.

Is he exasperated by your dysfunctional family so confided in his mum who he should be able to trust. However, if she has flapping gums he ought to have known better. My children have on occasion over the years as have their wives it's generally venting so I keep my mouth zipped

Mou should be mouth. Mumsnet is jumping word wise

Seems ‘no lying’ has been confused with ‘keep giving up the gossip’ and ‘except by me (your mil)’.

it’s someone else’s medical or relationship/personal information! To omit is not to lie here, it’s exempt! I’m autistic and very very anti lies but I’d not consider this a lie. At all.

It is health related.

He genuinely can’t see what he did wrong. I didn’t want him to tell his mum because she would make a big deal out of it and I didn’t want to talk about it. Because she knows and she hasn’t talked about it or
made a big deal out of it, then what I wanted to avoid hasn’t happened, so what’s the issue.

He apparently recalls me saying don’t tell them when we get back in (we were out when I spoke to my mum) and he didn’t tell his mum when he got back in but later, so it’s therefore ok.

I’m just so so disappointed and hurt, made worse by him not seeing what he’s done wrong.

He shouldn't have blabbed. He didn't have to lie, he had to just not say anything.

I'd never tell him anything sensitive wish.

He's given you the heads up, if you tell him then expect it to be passed on.

Whether you want to inform him of this new system and reason for it is up to you.

I didn't vote because I don't think it's one or the other. Depending on your mum's news it could put pressure on your DH or worry him or be something he'd like support about.
But I may be projecting because my ex would try to micro-manage my interactions with my family by making everything about his family, and our relationship, off-limits. It's quite controlling and isolating.

It's a big deal and he's totally in the wrong. Ask him how you can trust him going forward. I wouldn't tell him anything confidential again - I don't think it's too much to ask that MIL doesn't know all your private business.

Your dh needs to figure out where his loyalty lies and I am not trying to turn him against his mum. Just if you make a promise to bloody keep it. The problem with this stunt is that it will make you more reluctant to tell him something you want kept quiet in future. Stupid move from him.