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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting with friend- crying baby

34 replies

spinachmonster · 18/08/2022 20:42

I really have no idea if IABU so any help appreciated!

We happen to have our annual camping holiday near where an old school friend currently lives. ( I would definitely consider her a close friend.) We live 4 hours drive apart so don't often meet up these days.

Last time we met up I had a young baby who screamed hysterically in the car, I suggested to my friend we limit time in the car due to this fact. Asking if she would meet where we were staying (40mins from her house) She said she already had planned the day (nice things) so let's do that. Baby cried hysterically, was very stressful for me and pretty sure unpleasant for her. Spoilt the day really.

This time I again have a new baby who unfortunately also screams in the car. I wrote a careful message explaining we have a new van which I haven't driven yet and again I'm really worried about baby screaming, could we meet where I'm staying for a walk and lunch please? She has responded with "I'll meet you half way."

I also have a 2 year old and older children who can stay with my partner but either he'd have to drive me there and pick me up later (40mins drive each time with other kids in the car) or I drive new van with possible/ likely screaming baby in back for first time. Part of me feels like saying no. It also disrupts the holiday a bit but I would like to see her. 😵‍💫

OP posts:
Cantanka · 18/08/2022 20:50

Given you’ve been upfront and explained you don’t want to travel on this occasion, and why, I’m surprised she has said no. I would drive 40 minutes to save my friend with a newborn having to drive 20 minutes regardless of your discomfort at driving the new car.

unless you have form for being a taker, I think YANBU

waltershite22 · 18/08/2022 20:51

Can you meet her for lunch without the baby? Leave them with DH for an hour?

pjani · 18/08/2022 20:53

Just say no, you’d love to but you know it will be dreadful with two tiny kids wailing but you can’t wait to connect and spend more time when the kids are bigger and it’s easier. See if you can arrange a video call. She might be inspired to make the drive and then you won’t feel resentful (I would).

Whitewolf2 · 18/08/2022 21:12

From this post she doesn’t seem much of a friend. I’d just drive to you given what you’ve explained, if she has no kids it seems unreasonable she won’t. Call her bluff, say sorry you just don’t feel comfortable driving, see if she’ll come to you? If she can’t be bothered unfortunately she might not think that much of your friendship.

cansu · 18/08/2022 21:14

You need to be clearer. Say thats a shame. We had better leave it as I am not able to drive halfway.

LateAF · 18/08/2022 21:15

Just say no. It sounds like you are more invested in the friendship. Tell her shame, that you hope you will catch up another time soon. And wait for her to message you next time (sounds like she won’t bother so nothing lost).

SalviaOfficinalis · 18/08/2022 21:17

If you’ve already driven for 4(ish) hours to the campsite then I think it’s fair enough for her to drive 40 mins to meet you. Is there something particular half way that she’s suggested going to? Or is she just trying to make some kind of point?

Although on the other hand I don’t really understand why you’ve driven 4(ish) hours if the baby screams in the car constantly. She may be thinking something similar.

Ihearticecream · 18/08/2022 21:17

You’ve driven four hours and she can’t drive 40mins? I realise you were going anyway but still. I’d just say sorry I won’t be able to meet you half way. Such a shame.

nutbrownhare15 · 18/08/2022 21:19

'sorry, that's not going to work for me due to screaming baby. You are very welcome to come to ours or if that doesn't work for you then we'll have to meet up next time'

yonce · 18/08/2022 21:23

I mean, I'm kind of with your friend here - last time she drove the 40 minutes each way to meet you, and your baby was screaming the whole time and you admit spoilt the day? I wouldn't want to repeat that again with another screaming baby tbh, I'd also rather meet half way if there's a chance all the effort will be spoilt again.

On a side note - if your children scream hysterically in the car, how on earth do you manage the many hours driving to your camping holiday? That sounds like hell!

ITriedToStopSwearingButICunt · 18/08/2022 21:26

You're at a time in your life where you need a bit of consideration, help and allowances made; this friend should be a bit more accommodating and helpful to you.

I take it she doesn't have children of her own?

ChicCroissant · 18/08/2022 21:27

OP, I'm another one who (possibly like your friend) wouldn't see the issue if you can drive for hours to go on holiday. If you don't want to do it just say no, that's fine, but it would be easy to drive the van before you go so that wouldn't be an issue.

Dotcheck · 18/08/2022 21:29

Actually- your meetings with her are often ruined by your screaming children ( yes, I understand kids cry). And now you’re telling her that you will be bringing kids again? You hardly see her- how about clearing some time so you can see her on your own?

Why not drive the van? Or at the very least, your husband drives to the town with you and the kids, and takes them off for a few hours so you can have some alone with your friend.

Basically, you keep arranging days out with your friend which your kids hijack. Can you blame her for not being excited about it?

Dotcheck · 18/08/2022 21:33

ITriedToStopSwearingButICunt · 18/08/2022 21:26

You're at a time in your life where you need a bit of consideration, help and allowances made; this friend should be a bit more accommodating and helpful to you.

I take it she doesn't have children of her own?

For heaven’s sake, people with children aren’t the only ones who need care and consideration.

KosherDill · 18/08/2022 21:40

Dotcheck · 18/08/2022 21:29

Actually- your meetings with her are often ruined by your screaming children ( yes, I understand kids cry). And now you’re telling her that you will be bringing kids again? You hardly see her- how about clearing some time so you can see her on your own?

Why not drive the van? Or at the very least, your husband drives to the town with you and the kids, and takes them off for a few hours so you can have some alone with your friend.

Basically, you keep arranging days out with your friend which your kids hijack. Can you blame her for not being excited about it?

Yeah, this.

Can't partner watch baby?

Suprima · 18/08/2022 21:43

Last visit was ruined by screaming baby.

this visit you anticipate will be ruined by screaming baby and have made her aware of this

i understand why she’s not willing to drive 40 minutes. If she’s your friend, clear out some
time her that is kid-free.

Namechangetime89 · 18/08/2022 21:51

She’s being very unfair. You’ve driven so far to her she can at least come part way. I had two car screamers and understand how stressful it is, impossible to concentrate and just overall horrible. I wouldn’t be leaving my baby for a friend who won’t drive 40 mins!!

RobertaFirmino · 18/08/2022 21:58

Thing is, if she comes to you then there really won't be any walk, lunch or meaningful conversation at all, will there. You say you have a '2 year old and older children' which indicates there would be at least four children present. I doubt you'll get the chance to exchange more than a few words at a time before something/someone else needs attention.

Original poster
spinachmonster · 18/08/2022 22:06

Thanks for all your replies, really appreciate the different perspectives.

@Cantanka Thank you, I would also be happy to drive further if my friend had a newborn. No I don't think Im a taker, I think it's that I usually just do what she wants..

@waltershite22 Unfortunately not, she has the day free and baby is small and EBF so that wouldn't work - friend would def be peed off if I only met for an hour.

@pjani Thank you, I think this is a good suggestion, especially putting it in a positive light like this. I don't want to fall out over it but really don't want to do it.

@Whitewolf2 She has one child. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. Thank you.

@cansu Do you mean like saying I am not willing to drive at all? Yes I prob should have started my message like that. Thanks for your suggestion, think that's what I'll do.

@LateAF Yes, I see what you mean, I know she considers me a close friend too but I could be misreading that!

@SalviaOfficinalis No, nothing particular at that location and arguably less nice than where we are staying (though she may know something I don't - I'm sure it would be a nice place too.) We travel at night with the baby which -I'm hoping desperately- so far seems to limit the screaming 😟

@Ihearticecream @nutbrownhare15 Thank you, yes, I think that's what I'll do.

@yonce thanks for your reply, no, last time we did what she suggested which was a varied day driving around to different (nice) things but baby screamed loads due to all the driving, which I'd suggested maybe wasn't going to work.
Yes, tbh two years ago it felt like hell as baby screamed the whole way home- it was truly hideous. We travel at night now to try to lessen the screaming.... also older kids love the holiday so didn't want them to miss out.

OP posts:
geojellyfish · 18/08/2022 22:07

yonce · 18/08/2022 21:23

I mean, I'm kind of with your friend here - last time she drove the 40 minutes each way to meet you, and your baby was screaming the whole time and you admit spoilt the day? I wouldn't want to repeat that again with another screaming baby tbh, I'd also rather meet half way if there's a chance all the effort will be spoilt again.

On a side note - if your children scream hysterically in the car, how on earth do you manage the many hours driving to your camping holiday? That sounds like hell!

I think you may have misunderstood the OP; last time she asked if they could minimise car time due to baby and friend insisted OP travelled to her as she had planned things. So OP travelled, which meant baby got into a state and their plans were somewhat ruined.

Morechocmorechoc · 18/08/2022 22:13

You went to her last time. Just say I'm not able to travel. I came to you last time having already travelled a long way so would love it if you could come to me this time. If not I understand and maybe we can try again next time I'm in the area. If she doesn't bother she isn't really your friend.

Original poster
spinachmonster · 18/08/2022 22:15

@ITriedToStopSwearingButICunt
Thanks for your reply, being quite a few years into motherhood I agree, it's so full on sometimes!! Yes she does actually have a child who is 5.

@Dotcheck Thanks for your reply, I see your point. I do understand it can be annoying having to accommodate new babies, when you just want to catch up. Though it's only once that happened, when we did her plan, I was just trying to avoid a repeat of that really!

@KosherDill thanks for reply and I do see your point. Unfortunately not as she is suggesting we meet for the day and baby is small and EBF. Not possible or prepared to do that,

OP posts:
Original poster
spinachmonster · 18/08/2022 22:19

@Namechangetime89
Thank you, sorry to hear this! It is truly hideous isn't it!! I still feel scarred from the last time this happened.

@RobertaFirmino thanks for your reply, no it would be ok because my partner would have the older kids elsewhere while, me, friend and baby in sling (therefore usually happy and not screaming 🤪🤞) could have a nice walk and lunch.

OP posts:
Shamoo · 18/08/2022 22:21

Just reply and say you can’t travel so will have to leave it to another time. She’s being unreasonable but no point trying to force it

Original poster
spinachmonster · 18/08/2022 22:21

@geojellyfish Yeah, you're right 👍

OP posts: