Partner not careful enough... What now?

[Qwerty16]

I don't think my partner is careful enough with our kids and I don't know what to do about it.

We have two kids, DS 2y7m and DD 7 months. I was just on the phone to Bupa as my back is bad and carrying DD is painful, DD was crying making it hard to speak, partner was WFH so I messaged asking him if he'd put DD up in the cot in her room. She hasn't used the cot yet so it has been covered in a thin plastic decorating sheet to stop the cats climbing in (she has been sleeping in a snuzpod but will be starting to move to her room soon, hence I thought it would be good to try some naps in there.) He came and took her upstairs and I continued the call while he went back down to work. By the time I was off the call I could hear her crying and when I got upstairs I found her completely wrapped up in the plastic sheeting, over her head and face and mouth. He says he thought he moved the plastic out of the way but obviously not as it was all piled on the chair next to the cot and she had pulled it through the bars.

It was absolutely terrifying - if I'd just trusted my partner to put her to bed safely and not checked, or if the call had lasted longer, I'm convinced she'd have suffocated and died at she was completely wrapped up in the plastic. I feel terrible that it happened, and I just can't stop thinking what if.

I'm really f*cking annoyed with my partner (who at first responded with a complaint that I kept bothering him while he was WFH and that this meant he could never WFH again, but later apologised saying he was rushing and should have been more careful) but I don't think it's a one off.

Last weekend he left her in her pram outside at around 830pm in our garden which is quite far away from the house, there's no line of sight, it's part forest, you wouldn't have heard her crying, and it's open to a public footpath. He was bringing things back up to the house after a BBQ (I was putting DD to bed). He didn't understand why I thought it wasn't okay to leave a seven month old baby alone and out of sight in the evening near a public footpath and kept repeating various excuses eg it was only 90 seconds (it wasn't, it takes that long to get down there let alone up, back, and packing the fridge) and there were some girls feeding some horses nearby (they weren't there when I got down, and also so what). To my mind, she could have been abducted or attacked by a fox or anything. I don't think I'm a hugely over cautious person but this feels objectively beyond the line of okay.

I'm just fed up of disagreeing about what's safe and not safe. I can't get the image of our baby struggling to breathe wrapped up in plastic and crying out of my head. I can't stop thinking she could be dead right now because he was f*cking careless. He's 37, he should know that you can't leave a load of plastic sheeting next to a cot. I'm trying to resist melodrama, but I feel like I can't trust him to keep our children safe. I feel like I can't trust his judgement. I don't know if he's just stupid which results in him misjudging things so badly, or just sloppy and careless, or if he just thinks other things are more important in the moment. AIBU to think this?

We've only spoken briefly as it only just happened. I've told him I think it was his fault that he wasn't careful enough. He keeps asking "what do you want me to say?" He says he feels terrible but I just don't think this is a brush it off, oh well never mind type event. Maybe I'm being unfair.

What should I do?

There needs to be a serious chat here or he needs to do a course on child safety? Maybe an online one too laid back

My DP also gets very defensive about things. I remember when I was pregnant, being extremely thorough about checking any meat I was served was cooked through (for obvious reasons). He took umbrage as said I should trust his cooking. I carried on checking, he carried on getting upset. I eventually really lost my temper and told him I didn't give a toss about his feelings on the matter - I was only interested in protecting the tiny, delicate life inside me, and if that meant falling out with him every time we ate for the next 6 months then so be it. I would say, unpleasant though it is to fall out, try not to be brow beaten into not saying things that are important / reminding him about things that are important. At the end of the day, his feeling of being nagged or whatever comes secondary (far secondary) to the needs of your children.

I should say too, DP has since served up undercooked meat more than once!

There are accidents and there is negligence.

Your dh is negligent

@Tayegete so you were going to post YABU before reading the actual thread then 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔????

Most people are over careful with babies to the point of paranoia. Even 2nd ones.
That's why I think he is just thinking he's 'too superior' to do parenting properly. Bet he likes to be 'fun dad'. I can totally imagine what he's like.

So to summarise, he nearly killed his child but expects you to shut up and get over it? Even though he has a history of putting his children's lives at risk then making no changes to his behaviour?

A mistake is forgivable, repeatedly prioritising his ego over his own child's life is not.

Parents have been convicted and imprisoned for neglect when their child died in circumstances similar to what he has done, e.g. leaving their child alone in the bath.

I worry about this stuff a lot

My DH is so carless and half arsed about stuff. His head is in the clouds sometimes

Not rtft but can't believe this is even real. I couldn't ever trust him, sorry

A couple of years ago a much younger colleague of my husband was minding his toddler while his wife went for a checkup with their new baby.

He took a brief call and left his 2yr old toddler playing with some toys and returned to find him caught up in a cord from a blind.
He couldn't be saved.

He is a shadow of his former self.

OP, bottom line is that bad judgement can have horrific consequences and yet silly mistakes happen all the time.

You are listing a terrifyingly regular number of them though.

Choking, bath drowning, suffocation?

Does he realise that if anything happens either of your children on his sloppy watch, your marriage will be instantly over?

Because knowing how sloppy he is, you would NEVER forgive him, nor would either of your families, knowing a child died unnecessarily, because he couldn't be arsed to stay focused.

You need to tell him he is really playing with fire and if he doesn't really cop himself on and put the necessary effort in to step up, you will very fast be loosing any respect you have for him.

I really feel for you, its very disheartening feeling you have to think of everything.

I will admitt I also first thought this. Which has me playing it out as we are renovating a old house and something like this could happen. My first thought when reading this is he is being untruthful. I don't think it was left on the chair. I feel it must of been over the cot in someway. However babies and small children are know for doing things which are thought of as impossible. So don't want to completely state I think he is lying.

I think instead of pointing out his actions maybe you should explain how they are making you feel. Do you think if you explain that his carelessness is making you question his ability to be alone with his childrenand he needs to wise up might give him the kick up the bum he needs?

Apologies just saw the OP update on how thin the plastic was. In this case it is horrifying and she could of so easily of been killed. I would of moved it to a secure place especially as there is a toddler in the house.

question OP. What was his upbringing like? People can parent like their parents without ever reflecting on if it is correct. Do you ever get the impression they was unsafe with him and he has continued their poor parenting risk assessment?

Does he actually prefer his meat this way? (is is chicken or steak)? Or is he a lazy and incompetent cook? Or is he doing it deliberately to punish you for making a fuss and because he doesn't want to have to do the cooking?

His mum is excellent with kids, does loads of childcare for us, and is careful and sensible. She would be absolutely horrified at this. I did speak to her about him leaving the baby in the garden alone, when he was still defending it, as I thought I might need someone to sense-check him. She agreed it was a bad decision on his part. But in the end it didn't come to that and she didn't have to say anything, as he later said he realised it was a bad idea. I don't know if that was said to placate me though.

He thinks his dad was useless and selfish (to summarize) but I've not heard anything about him being reckless.

(Sorry I'm not doing replies properly, how do you reply just to one bit without quoting the whole post? 🤔)

I read this open mouthed. My (and my daughter's) bags would be packed OP sorry.

I've calmly and very clearly explained you can't leave a baby unattended in a bath, and yet he's still done that ("it was only for a moment"). So maybe unwillingness to read isn't the problem.

The problem is that he genuinely thinks he knows better. All these times, all these incidents, nothing bad has actually happened so what’s the problem? What’s all the fuss about? His approach is fine and you are just a bit of a paranoid mum who reads too much stuff. (In his head).

I suspect it might take an A&E visit to change him. Which may be too late.

I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. I think perhaps I would stop sending him parenting advice, and start sending him news articles about babies who have choked or toddlers who have drowned. These desperately sad incidents are why the guidance exists. Mayhe that would register more? I don’t know.

I think a tendancy to laziness tbh, and a very carefree attitude which was lovely when we were both carefree in our early 20s, but more stressful now we have children. Certainly it wouldn't be malicious. I can just see parallels with the OP's husband (thankfully and TOUCH WOOD nothing as bad as leaving a baby on a public footpath!). But I don't let my OH stop me from "going on" about safety issues, especially if it's something he's missed previously, although sure he would love for me to just brush over it. It's too bad at the end of the day! Most disempowering to feel you have to watch what you are saying, especially when so much us at stake :(

I would sit him down and say from now on everything to do with the children is down to you. He is not allowed to ever have sole charge of them. They are far too precious to allow him to take dangerous risks time after time.
He will have to take on more of the home tasks to accommodate this.
Either this or you need to separate and you will fight tooth and nail to not allow him to have the kids on his own ever.
I would be terrified and furious if my husband done any of those things.He is irresponsible, selfish, immature and an absolute fucking idiot.