Partner not careful enough... What now?

[Qwerty16]

I don't think my partner is careful enough with our kids and I don't know what to do about it.

We have two kids, DS 2y7m and DD 7 months. I was just on the phone to Bupa as my back is bad and carrying DD is painful, DD was crying making it hard to speak, partner was WFH so I messaged asking him if he'd put DD up in the cot in her room. She hasn't used the cot yet so it has been covered in a thin plastic decorating sheet to stop the cats climbing in (she has been sleeping in a snuzpod but will be starting to move to her room soon, hence I thought it would be good to try some naps in there.) He came and took her upstairs and I continued the call while he went back down to work. By the time I was off the call I could hear her crying and when I got upstairs I found her completely wrapped up in the plastic sheeting, over her head and face and mouth. He says he thought he moved the plastic out of the way but obviously not as it was all piled on the chair next to the cot and she had pulled it through the bars.

It was absolutely terrifying - if I'd just trusted my partner to put her to bed safely and not checked, or if the call had lasted longer, I'm convinced she'd have suffocated and died at she was completely wrapped up in the plastic. I feel terrible that it happened, and I just can't stop thinking what if.

I'm really f*cking annoyed with my partner (who at first responded with a complaint that I kept bothering him while he was WFH and that this meant he could never WFH again, but later apologised saying he was rushing and should have been more careful) but I don't think it's a one off.

Last weekend he left her in her pram outside at around 830pm in our garden which is quite far away from the house, there's no line of sight, it's part forest, you wouldn't have heard her crying, and it's open to a public footpath. He was bringing things back up to the house after a BBQ (I was putting DD to bed). He didn't understand why I thought it wasn't okay to leave a seven month old baby alone and out of sight in the evening near a public footpath and kept repeating various excuses eg it was only 90 seconds (it wasn't, it takes that long to get down there let alone up, back, and packing the fridge) and there were some girls feeding some horses nearby (they weren't there when I got down, and also so what). To my mind, she could have been abducted or attacked by a fox or anything. I don't think I'm a hugely over cautious person but this feels objectively beyond the line of okay.

I'm just fed up of disagreeing about what's safe and not safe. I can't get the image of our baby struggling to breathe wrapped up in plastic and crying out of my head. I can't stop thinking she could be dead right now because he was f*cking careless. He's 37, he should know that you can't leave a load of plastic sheeting next to a cot. I'm trying to resist melodrama, but I feel like I can't trust him to keep our children safe. I feel like I can't trust his judgement. I don't know if he's just stupid which results in him misjudging things so badly, or just sloppy and careless, or if he just thinks other things are more important in the moment. AIBU to think this?

We've only spoken briefly as it only just happened. I've told him I think it was his fault that he wasn't careful enough. He keeps asking "what do you want me to say?" He says he feels terrible but I just don't think this is a brush it off, oh well never mind type event. Maybe I'm being unfair.

What should I do?

The trouble is that he is not in the mindset where he is scanning and anticipating issues.

This is his problem.

He just doesn't understand that babies and children don't think like adults. So to a baby or small child everything is interesting and maybe a play thing, until they learn otherwise.

So he can read and go on lots of courses but the thing that is missing is his own understanding.

Also with the bath one I've been surprised over the years of the number of adults I've worked with who are parents who haven't realised you shouldn't leave toddlers in the bath alone.

My ex husband did something not quite as bad but similar. He changed the baby and left an empty nappy bag by his head and a full but tied up one at bottom of cot. I went and checked thank god cos i couldnt trust him to do anything. He couldnt see the problem. Hes just lazy and selling and was trying to get something done that he had no interest in doing in the easiest quickest way. He just got worse and i ended up medicated with exhustion and anxiety.

Re some Qs

Yes he wanted to be a father, loves having kids, etc

I really don't think this is deliberate, or him being incompetent to get out of doing the work. I believe he wants to be hands on and share the work.

But at the same time I can't understand why he isn't more careful, why he doesn't see the dangers I see, why he doesn't read or take on board the things I send him or the things experts have to say about safety, and why he gets irritated with me voicing or sharing anything that relates to parenting or safety. It feels to me that he takes my input as a challenge to his autonomy, and that it hurts his ego. He denies this.

As we've done 2 first aid courses, I've presented him with info on safety at home, which he may or may not have read or taken on board, I've told him calmly and directly it's not okay to do XYZ... what next? If I bring it up again he'll just repeat he's sorry and expect me to drop it. He's got friends coming round to stay this weekend so everything will go 'back to normal'.

Those ROSPA courses look ideal for him - it shows this is a serious issue.
There will be a person in authority giving him the information.
The other professionals on the course - carers, childminders, family support workers etc - will all be taking it seriously.

But at the same time I can't understand why he isn't more careful, why he doesn't see the dangers I see

He doesn't think like you.

He doesn't absorb information and understand it like you.

He can't admit his comprehension of things that should be simple to understand and easy to anticipate is poor, so he gets defensive and refuses to read/look at more things.

OP does he have any interaction with any other fathers of young children who parent them alone regularly? As he may listen to a peer.

Thep lastic should have been removed from the cot completely and disposed off long before it came to this. You both need to step up on safety.

Yes loads, all kids a little older than ours, and actually peer intervention has helped on another issue. But what am I asking? "Please tell your mate it's not okay to put your child at risk?"

I sympathise OP, my husband used to be just like this. He’d always argue that nothing bad happened, it wasn’t likely to happen etc but one time we sat down and had a big conversation about it, and it did help.

I explained to him that in life, we usually have to think about the worst case scenario, but especially where our most prized possessions are concerned. Does he lock the door when he leaves the house? Yes? Why, when it’s so unlikely someone would try and let themselves in? Does he strap himself into the car? Why, he’s made it to his current age without ever being in a car accident? Explaining it this way did make him realise that realistically, lots of things are unlikely to happen, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t protect ourselves (and our children!) from them.

I always ask him when he risk assess to please think about the worst case scenario. She’s playing on a slide and could fall, worst case scenario? She could fall and break a limb. Acceptable risk. She’s playing on a riverbank, worst case scenario? She drowns. Unacceptable risk, constant supervision needed.

Sure, I probably shouldn’t have to dumb it down this way, but actually we all have weaknesses and clearly risk assessment is his.

I'm struggling to believe how a 7 month old could (or would) pull ALL the plastic through the bars (from where it was lying outside the cot on a chair) into the cot, and get wrapped up in it.

I suspect he just put her in the cot with the plastic still in it. If so he's not just bloody dangerous, he's a liar.

Well it was a stupid place to leave it, but perhaps he didn't realise that a 7 month old would be capable of pulling it through the bars.

I'd be furious. We are all capable of making stupid mistakes though. How cross/worried I'd be would depend upon how often these things happen, his reaction to his mistake, and how willing he is to learn from what was clearly an epic fail!

That is terrifying.

Could it be that he was resentful at being asked to help out?

Doing a sloppy job is a classic passive-aggressive trait: it's saying "I'm not OK with being given this task, so I'll do it badly so I won't be asked again".

Though I don't know how helpful my armchair psychology is...

He completely lacks common sense, but it verges on incompetence and neglect.
With children you need eyes in the back of your head and the ability to automatically identify likely dangers and act accordingly- he appears completely incapable of doing either.
My husband is like this hence his very rarely ever looking after the DCs and I have to spell everything out to him regarding looking after the dog. It’s tedious, pathetic and ridiculous when an apparently fully functioning adult can’t be trusted.

Oh come on it was a complete accident, dh was working you messages him out of his work area to put the baby in the cot so would have been carrying baby using 1 arm and just pulled the plastic off and put it to the side he then put the baby down and went back to work it would have been very easy to forget the plastic sheet and now you both have had a fright

That’s not an accident that’s absolutely carelessness and stupidity at best neglect and a safeguarding issue at worst

A friend's toddler died in a freak accident in the home while she'd gone to the loo . Accidents happen in moments - the consequences last a lifetime.

I honestly think I'd have half killed him discovering a baby wrapped in plastic.

@Badger1970 Oh your poor friend.

I suspect he just put her in the cot with the plastic still in it.

I wonder if that is a possibility?

Was the plastic accessible to your 2yr old?

And will you say "oh it was a complete accident" when she finds the baby dead?

He had two hands free when he'd put the baby down. There's no excuse.

I am so angry at him for you. To find your precious baby entangled in plastic. Your heart must have plumetted and world stopped. The complete indifference from your DH for each moment where he walks away leaving them in a dangerous situation is scary.

Have you got a friend or family member you can turn to, and get them to speak to him, so that he can see that it's not just you worrying over nothing? Shouldn't need to be done, but think it can give more weight to an issue. I recently had a situation with my DP, and asked his parents to speak to him about the problem, sadly he listens to them more than me. However, if it might improve your child's safety, it will be worth it. That's the conclusion I came to.

Alternatively, you could do all the parenting, while the children are little and fragile at least, but would of course mean that he had to provide all the money, and some practical help in the house to, so that your time is freed up to give your children the attention they need (obviously he would play with them, bath them etc too, just you would also have to be there as he us unable to take responsibility ). Of course this might be far from ideal for your family, depending on your personal situation, and shouldn't be something you have to consider, but sounds like it might be worth considering if you believe your children's safety is at risk.

How are there so many fathers out there who are this inexcusably stupid? It's staggering.

That's terrifying. Poor you. Hopefully it'll be the wake up call he needs but I wouldn't be trusting him to do anything without specific instructions in the future. As for previously leaving your eldest alone in the bath and when weaning?!!! He does not sound like a competent adult, these things are common sense!!!

I think if the trust in this situation is fundamentally gone and his responses are showing you that this situation is not being taken seriously enough, I would do some couples councilling focussing on this issue. I think having a middle person to help to communicate the issue might help. It definitely shouldn't take that... but with men it often does.

No, I'm sure he didn't put her on top of the plastic sheet. She wasn't lying on it, and lots of it was still outside the cot. She had just pulled enough through that her upper body was completely wrapped up in it. I'm guessing she started sucking it and then got stuck and struggled and rolled and got further entangled. I'm sure he had simply left the plastic on the chair that was inches away from the cot.

If this was a one off I might chalk it up to 'everyone has momentary lapses of judgement', but then there's the weaning incident, the leaving alone outside incident, leaving our DS unattended in the bath when he was younger, etc.