Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Financial disclosure in new partnership

42 replies

Survived · 18/08/2022 06:26

Hi, I have been with my new partner since four months. He was open about having been a gambler in the past, and that he had lost his house over it 10 years ago. I have asked him on our third or fourth date whether he is financially secure now, and has any debt to pay back. He said all was fine. It recently turned out that he has an outstanding debt to his father for a car purchase, that is nearly paid off. I was angry that he didn't tell me when I asked him at that early date, and that I find it hard to trust him now. AIBU to get angry about him not mentioning loan from family?

OP posts:

Cervinia · 18/08/2022 06:28

If that was the only debt, and it was nearly paid off, why would he lie?

I would be wary about his real financial situation.

KangarooKenny · 18/08/2022 06:29

It’s none of your business at this point.

Aprilx · 18/08/2022 06:30

Yes a little. Either give him a wide berth because of his gambling past or don’t. I wouldn’t expect to be quizzed on finances on a third date and what arrangement I have with my parents is none of my dates business.

badgerstink · 18/08/2022 06:33

None of your business really at that stage of a relationship. FWIW I probably wouldn't class money owed to a parent as a 'debt' in the same way as I would money owed to a bank

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 18/08/2022 06:33

To be honest, the simple fact of him being such a serious gambler that he lost his house over it would worry me far more than him mentioning or not mentioning the loan.

Financial stability is really important to me, so getting involved with someone like this wouldn't be worth the risk of it happening again.

ToadiesCouzin · 18/08/2022 06:35

Gamblers lie , to premier league sports level, when they’re gambling. The fact he hasn’t been honest is a massive red flag, what else is he lying about? It’s very risky getting into a relationship with a gambling addict if you expect to have joint finances in the future. But I’d give an ex, 100% honest gambler in recovery a shot, everyone deserves a chance. But he hasn’t been honest.

Ilikewinter · 18/08/2022 06:36

Well I owe my mum money for a car but if you asked me Id probably say no I didnt have debt...... thinking in the sence of bank loans and credit cards.

Hes revealed a lot after 4 months, he didnt have to tell you about his former gambling, I would be cautious though.

DoubleGauze · 18/08/2022 06:38

I think you're right to be concerned about his finances. Losing your home to gambling is clearly very serious.

I was in the middle of a dmp when I met my (now) husband and told him at around the 4 month mark. I think financial disclosure is very important when assessing compatibility.

JulesCobb · 18/08/2022 06:38

To be honest, the simple fact of him being such a serious gambler that he lost his house over it would worry me far more than him mentioning or not mentioning the loan.

this.

ToadiesCouzin · 18/08/2022 06:38

Yeah that’s true, a debt to a family member is different, and if he was still gambling he wouldn’t have told you anything about his addiction. I agree, proceed with caution.

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 06:40

I wouldn't call owing family money a debt, especially if I had a regular payment plan with them

ToadiesCouzin · 18/08/2022 06:45

I have quite a bit of personal experience of this, with two close family members, and I think, with a gambling addiction, you just never know if they’ll relapse. I wouldn’t rule a relationship out, but I’d never ever have joint finances, it’s just not worth the risk. If you’re young and want marriage, kids etc, I wouldn’t do it. If however you’re willing and able to have an independent financial life alongside this relationship, crack on. The fact he’s told you suggests he’s a decent bloke, but even decent blokes can cause a hell of a lot of damage with their addiction. Just make sure it can never affect your financial security.

DoubleGauze · 18/08/2022 06:45

Owing family money is absolutely debt. I wouldn't want to be with someone that was constantly overspending then asking family for money. A one-off larger loan is different , but still needs to be mentioned when discussing money.

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 06:48

DoubleGauze · 18/08/2022 06:45

The debt is for a car purchase, not because he's regularly overspending.

RealBecca · 18/08/2022 06:49

Since bos disclosure you're already looking over your shoulder for signs of financial issues. Why bother pursuing the relationship. Do you really want to spend another 5 years and think back to how you could have stopped this now. It's no life.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 18/08/2022 06:51

Bit bloody nosey aren’t you. Bloody rude!!
On a 3rd or 4th date!! I’d be gobsmacked if someone was trying to know this kind of thing so early on.
absolutely non of your business.

onelittlefrog · 18/08/2022 06:51

You asked if he's financially secure. Owing his dad some money for a car isn't going to impact financial security in the same way that loan debts would - especially if it's almost paid off.

I think you're overreacting, especially 4 months in. I would not expect to know much at all about finances at that stage. It would be different if you'd been together years and only just found out but this is a very new relationship.

onelittlefrog · 18/08/2022 06:53

(Having said that, I don't think I could be with someone who had in the past lost their house over gambling, even if they seem in a better place now - so I understand why you're concerned!)

TirisfalPumpkin · 18/08/2022 06:55

I wouldn’t go there. Someone said upthread ‘everyone deserves a chance’ - and that’s true at things like work, housing, making a life. It’s not true of dating you, you don’t have to get involved with gambling addicts, however reformed, just to be fair and inclusive. If you’re uncomfortable this early in I’d get out.

JulesCobb · 18/08/2022 06:56

Early disclosures of serious issues are not always positive. It can be used as a way to justify behaviours ‘you knew I was x so why are you upset with my actions now.’ And it certainly doesn't mean that they have and will continue to address the issue.

In this case it must have been before date four. Op, when he told you he was an addict, what was your reaction?

DoubleGauze · 18/08/2022 06:57

@girlmom21 fair point. Perhaps I'm oversensitive as exh had lost his rented flat due to not paying his rent before we met. He also owed his father money. He remained terrible with money and dragged me down with him eventually , hence my dmp.

justfiveminutes · 18/08/2022 07:07

I wouldn't be interested in a gambler but I don't think you have the right to quiz him in close detail after just four months of dating. I expect he interpreted your question about debt as being about gambling debt, not a car loan from a family member that is almost paid off.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 18/08/2022 07:10

It's been 4 months! Knowing he'd racked up serious debts and lost a house previously, I would be now be running for the hills.

Bananalanacake · 18/08/2022 07:29

It's only been 4 months you're not planning on moving in with him.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 18/08/2022 07:33

The reason she asked him so early on if he was financially secure is because he had already told her he had gambling problems that led him to lose his own house.

I couldn't live with a relationship like that. I'd be on tenterhooks.

Flip

1 2