Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Financial disclosure in new partnership

42 replies

Survived · 18/08/2022 06:26

Hi, I have been with my new partner since four months. He was open about having been a gambler in the past, and that he had lost his house over it 10 years ago. I have asked him on our third or fourth date whether he is financially secure now, and has any debt to pay back. He said all was fine. It recently turned out that he has an outstanding debt to his father for a car purchase, that is nearly paid off. I was angry that he didn't tell me when I asked him at that early date, and that I find it hard to trust him now. AIBU to get angry about him not mentioning loan from family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Survived · 18/08/2022 07:38

Thanks for all your messages, super helpful. When he told me about his past gambling, I thanked him for his honesty, then I asked him general questions about gambling, and whether he has any triggers that may make him relapse. He said no, and that he won't gamble again. But I cannot help looking out for red flags, and therefore I overreacted on the dad loan. I agree that discussion of financial matters so early on is not great, but I want a long-term relationship, he does as well, so isn't it important to know what we are both signing up for by committing to the other, with all good and bad aspects, before we get in too deep?

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 18/08/2022 07:42

Survived · 18/08/2022 07:38

Thanks for all your messages, super helpful. When he told me about his past gambling, I thanked him for his honesty, then I asked him general questions about gambling, and whether he has any triggers that may make him relapse. He said no, and that he won't gamble again. But I cannot help looking out for red flags, and therefore I overreacted on the dad loan. I agree that discussion of financial matters so early on is not great, but I want a long-term relationship, he does as well, so isn't it important to know what we are both signing up for by committing to the other, with all good and bad aspects, before we get in too deep?

You find out these things so you can decide whether or not to continue on with the relationship. I wouldnt continue a relationship with an addict.

UserError012345 · 18/08/2022 07:43

How long is he 'clean' for want of a better word ?

saleorbouy · 18/08/2022 07:49

With such easy instant access to gambling apps on any device I'd be more worried about his past habits.
Although he has recovered the constant bombardment must be hard to resist for someone in his position.
I think you are asking alot of confidential information at such an early stage in the relationship. Does he know every financial detail about you and your loans?

Original poster
Survived · 18/08/2022 07:49

Over 10 years.

OP posts:
TooHotToTangoToo · 18/08/2022 07:54

Does he now own his own house or rent?

As for a dad loan, I think I'd be the same as him and not really think of a loan from dad as a debt. My dh sees car payments as an ongoing thing (he leases), so considers it an ongoing cost rather than debt.

FlorianImogen · 18/08/2022 07:58

Four months is too soon to be disclosing financial positions imho. I would be put off if I was dating for such a short time and got quizzed on my financial status.

Original poster
Survived · 18/08/2022 08:15

TooHotToTangoToo · 18/08/2022 07:54

Does he now own his own house or rent?

As for a dad loan, I think I'd be the same as him and not really think of a loan from dad as a debt. My dh sees car payments as an ongoing thing (he leases), so considers it an ongoing cost rather than debt.

He rents. And he seems to be doing ok, but doesn't have any money left to save

OP posts:
FOJN · 18/08/2022 08:16

then I asked him general questions about gambling, and whether he has any triggers that may make him relapse. He said no, and that he won't gamble again.

Nobody loses their house because they like a flutter on the Grand National, he had a serious addiction. I would be very concerned about someone whose gambling had cost them their house telling me they wouldn't gamble again unless they had committed to ongoing help/support to manage the addiction. I am not saying it's inevitable he will gamble I'm saying that if he hasn't framed his previous gambling as an addiction for which he has received helped then he is not demonstrating any insight and that is a liability.

I think the loan for the car is the least of your concerns.

If you decide to continue the relationship you need to make sure you protect yourself financially from any fall out of him relapsing.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 18/08/2022 08:25

Does it seem reasonable that he doesn't have any money left at the end of the month (given his job and a normal budget for living costs)? Or would you expect him to be able to save a bit, and find it surprising that he doesn't? If the latter, I would be concerned.

badbadapricots · 18/08/2022 08:35

Survived · 18/08/2022 07:38

Thanks for all your messages, super helpful. When he told me about his past gambling, I thanked him for his honesty, then I asked him general questions about gambling, and whether he has any triggers that may make him relapse. He said no, and that he won't gamble again. But I cannot help looking out for red flags, and therefore I overreacted on the dad loan. I agree that discussion of financial matters so early on is not great, but I want a long-term relationship, he does as well, so isn't it important to know what we are both signing up for by committing to the other, with all good and bad aspects, before we get in too deep?

The fact he says he has no triggers is really concerning and unrealistic. I’d very strongly advise you to walk away now.

I say this as a recovering addict myself.

I had a problem with online gambling in the past. I realised and stopped fairly quickly compared to many. I have not gambled for six years.

I absolutely have triggers, and a plan for what to do if I ever feel the urge to gamble. I am going to need to be aware of those triggers for the rest of my life. And my addiction was never at the level of someone who could lose a house.

If it got that bad once, it could again. He’s telling you everything is fine now. If you are a recovering addict then everything is only fine if you take responsibility for keeping it that way.

I would walk away OP. Sorry.

Greengreengrassbluebluesky · 18/08/2022 08:38

I think his financial situation would be a concern but you are unreasonable to be so angry about it.

Adversity · 18/08/2022 09:02

I would walk away as you haven’t invested much in to this relationship yet. I would walk away from anyone with any addiction issues even if allegedly solved.

deedledeedledum · 18/08/2022 15:22

Christmasiscominghohoho · 18/08/2022 06:51

Bit bloody nosey aren’t you. Bloody rude!!
On a 3rd or 4th date!! I’d be gobsmacked if someone was trying to know this kind of thing so early on.
absolutely non of your business.

So you would lie? If it offended me I would just say I didn't feel comfortable being asked this. I disagree that it is too early to ask. Depending on the age of the people, if I was older and looking for something serious I would want to weed out obvious time wasters. Do they want children? Do they have debt? Do they have a clean sexual health test. Just grown up and sensible. Anything else is foolish

GentlemanJay · 18/08/2022 15:24

If you asked me those sort of questions on the third or fourth date, I'd be running a mile from you.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 18/08/2022 16:29

@GentlemanJay even if you'd admitted to having a very serious gambling addiction in the past? Don't you think it was natural for the OP to ask for some reassurance?

ToadiesCouzin · 18/08/2022 16:43

FOJN · 18/08/2022 08:16

then I asked him general questions about gambling, and whether he has any triggers that may make him relapse. He said no, and that he won't gamble again.

Nobody loses their house because they like a flutter on the Grand National, he had a serious addiction. I would be very concerned about someone whose gambling had cost them their house telling me they wouldn't gamble again unless they had committed to ongoing help/support to manage the addiction. I am not saying it's inevitable he will gamble I'm saying that if he hasn't framed his previous gambling as an addiction for which he has received helped then he is not demonstrating any insight and that is a liability.

I think the loan for the car is the least of your concerns.

If you decide to continue the relationship you need to make sure you protect yourself financially from any fall out of him relapsing.

This. An addict who has accepted and is addressing their addiction would not say that they will never gamble again, simply because they can't. They may be doing everything they can to reduce the likelihood, and they may sincerely wish to never gamble again, but they can't be certain that they won't.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page