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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at SIL

38 replies

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 04:09

To provide some background I organized a day out for myself DH and DS I was going to invite friends with kids but SIL was saying how she wants to spend time with DS so I said she could come along.

fast forward to the day myself and DH have an argument that morning (I stay argument but he stormed in the room our baby was sleeping shouting because I cleaned less and my hair is around the house)

He was being verbally abusive so I told him I’m not accepting that behavior picked up DS left and went to my parents house messaged SIL told her 1 hour before she was leaving that day out was canceled sorry for inconvenience will reimburse her for her ticket.

she didn’t see my message and whilst I was at my parents messaged DH to say she was on the way and he then told her to turn around.

At this point DH was trying to convince me to go ahead with day out telling me I’ve pissed her off. I’ve refused mainly because I’m not normalizing his behavior being rude and aggressive towards each other.

instead I come home 4 hours later he’s being extra nice apologising we discuss the argument I make it clear my hair falling out due to PP and in the week with a baby don’t have time to run around with a Hoover everyday and explain that I’ve cleaned less due to just starting weaning and constantly making and cleaning up food and doing baths everyday my time is being spent differently.

however I did see on his phone SIL called me a bitch for canceling plans and said she felt so sorry for him having to tidy when I’m “just at home all day” and how dare I go off and take our baby.

am I wrong to still be annoyed with her SIL has no children of her own and has no idea how to look after a baby or how time consuming it is

also both her and MIL make comments as if I’m just a housewife which is not the case I have a career (unlike them) I contribute 50% when not on Mat leave and normally pay half of all bills DH also drives my car.

I feel like I didn’t need to bother inviting her in the first place DH doesn’t organize days out and frankly since I’m a bitch won’t be inviting her in the future.

OP posts:
Carpetfluffy · 18/08/2022 04:39

It's not her fault you argued with your husband. Cancelling an hour before the day out is a crappy thing to do tbh.

Ravenclawdropout · 18/08/2022 04:44

Noone wants to be on a daytrip with a married couple having a domestic. SIL is getting reimbursed, no need to inflame the situation by forcing people in the middle of a barney to be together before its been resolved. Life happens, people have disappointments.

Hidingawaytoday · 18/08/2022 04:45

Carpetfluffy · 18/08/2022 04:39

It's not her fault you argued with your husband. Cancelling an hour before the day out is a crappy thing to do tbh.

Don't be ridiculous. An hour before she left of plenty of time and the OP said she wouldn't leave her out of pocket. If SIL is mad at anyone it should be her abusive prick of a brother.

Carpetfluffy · 18/08/2022 04:48

This reply has been deleted

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NumberTheory · 18/08/2022 04:57

It’s possible some of your anger at DH is being misdirected towards your SiL. She was rude about you but was probably just being a bit ranty about her wasted journey (you did the right thing calling it off, but it still ended up being inconvenient for her) and then being a “good sister” and sympathizing with your DH. It’s not a great situation, but it’s not worth visibly reacting to. Nevertheless, there is no reason you should be putting in more effort than your DH to build relationships with his family, doubly so when they’re not particularly nice to or about you.

Longtimeposternc · 18/08/2022 07:33

The rule about cancelling is surely that you CALL to cancel when it’s 1 hour beforehand? No one is checking for texts when they are getting ready to go out and driving etc. it doesn’t even sound like that serious an argument and you just flounced it’s all very dramatic and unnecessary and unpleasant.

but then I disagree with a lot of posters and I think when you’re at home with the baby you are also generally more responsible for keeping the place tidy. If I left DH home with the children over the weekend I would expect the same.

and yes, your thread re your MIL changing a nappy is nonsense.

Dirtylittleroses · 18/08/2022 07:39

Yeah I’m also not sure op. I think your position with your husband was fine, but I don’t see why you couldn’t go on the day as planned and you should have called her, it was really quite rude to just text an hour beforehand.

I also agree actually that if you’re at home with one baby you should be responsible for the bulk of the tidying, I don’t understand how weaning takes so much time, how much are you feeding the kid?

Sparklfairy · 18/08/2022 07:43

she didn’t see my message and whilst I was at my parents messaged DH to say she was on the way and he then told her to turn around.

Hmm. You sure about this? How did she use her phone to message DH she was on the way and somehow miss your message on the very same phone!?

Ponoka7 · 18/08/2022 07:44

You seem to be doing your best to cut his side of the family out. I don't see why you couldn't have met up with her, alone. As said, you've flounced and seem to enjoy being in charge of who sees and interacts with DS. That'll end soon as he is now being weaned. Your relationship isn't working. It will start to have an affect on your DS. So will you wanting to cut out half of his family. You won't be able to dictate things forever and you'll eventually have your DS to answer to.

Ponoka7 · 18/08/2022 07:47

"Hmm. You sure about this? How did she use her phone to message DH she was on the way and somehow miss your message on the very same phone!?"

I missed messages and two phone calls yesterday because I was around train stations and busy. It was only when I went to message someone I saw them. If a message pings when you are in the bathroom and your phone is packed in your bag in another room, it's very easily done.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/08/2022 07:50

The rule about cancelling is surely that you CALL to cancel when it’s 1 hour beforehand? No one is checking for texts when they are getting ready to go out and driving etc

I totally disagree, when I’m getting ready to go out I check my phone more regularly just to double check if there are any changes to plans (I just mean glance at it while doing my hair etc). I’d never leave without checking my phone for this exact reason!

Your husband sounds awful

jabbathewhat · 18/08/2022 07:51

Should have gone ahead with the trip - your son missed out because you couldn’t be civil.

i presume the day out was something like a zoo which is more for the child then the adults??

if your husband is abusive, leave him. Protect your son. Sounds like an argument ruined your sons day.

Sparklfairy · 18/08/2022 07:51

Ponoka7 · 18/08/2022 07:47

"Hmm. You sure about this? How did she use her phone to message DH she was on the way and somehow miss your message on the very same phone!?"

I missed messages and two phone calls yesterday because I was around train stations and busy. It was only when I went to message someone I saw them. If a message pings when you are in the bathroom and your phone is packed in your bag in another room, it's very easily done.

I get that but you saw them when you picked up your phone to contact someone else? So SIL would have seen OPS message before telling DH she was on her way?

stayathomer · 18/08/2022 07:54

You all sound a bit over dramatic to be honest. You all need to take a breath

SaintHelena · 18/08/2022 07:55

Just ignore - she's annoyed at not being informed and (naturally) taking DH's side.

thetombliboo · 18/08/2022 07:55

Yabu for reading your DH messages between his sister.

Unfortunately it seems to be if you go looking for something you will find it, as you have.
I don't think you can be openly upset and fall out over snooping at a private conversation. Annoyed yes but you should keep it to yourself.

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 08:03

You shouldn't have cancelled. You should have just gone without him.

Original poster
Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 09:09

Ponoka7 · 18/08/2022 07:44

You seem to be doing your best to cut his side of the family out. I don't see why you couldn't have met up with her, alone. As said, you've flounced and seem to enjoy being in charge of who sees and interacts with DS. That'll end soon as he is now being weaned. Your relationship isn't working. It will start to have an affect on your DS. So will you wanting to cut out half of his family. You won't be able to dictate things forever and you'll eventually have your DS to answer to.

I actually said to her just the three of us could go she ignored it.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 09:12

I actually said to her just the three of us could go she ignored it.
She didn't ignore it.
She didn't see it then contacted him and he told her to turn around.

ManateeFair · 18/08/2022 09:14

In your position I would be more concerned about your marriage than your SIL being annoyed.

Original poster
Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 09:25

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 09:12

I actually said to her just the three of us could go she ignored it.
She didn't ignore it.
She didn't see it then contacted him and he told her to turn around.

No it was a separate message please don’t reply as if you know when I’m just explaining what’s happened

i sent it when DH told me she was on the way already.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 09:28

thetombliboo · 18/08/2022 07:55

Yabu for reading your DH messages between his sister.

Unfortunately it seems to be if you go looking for something you will find it, as you have.
I don't think you can be openly upset and fall out over snooping at a private conversation. Annoyed yes but you should keep it to yourself.

I agree I won’t be bringing it up but I’m just not happy she called me a bitch but do understand swearing more normal in DH family whereas I prefer not to swear and find it more offensive

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 18/08/2022 09:37

Is this the same DH who messages other women and arranges meet ups?

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 09:40

@Mum070322 you said in your OP you refused to go ahead with the day out.

Brigante9 · 18/08/2022 09:41

Your sil sounds delightful, but you were unreasonable to cancel meeting her, your row with your Dh was irrelevant.

Instead of your Dh moaning about the lack of housework, how about he does some??