DH / Work / House stuff

[Doremisofarsogood]

Just looking for opinions on whether or not I'm being U.

DH works a 40 hour week over 4 days.
I work a 40 hour week over 7 days. One job is term time only, 2 jobs are WFH, one in the evenings.

During term time I do all school runs, clubs etc for DD (9). DH is out from 7am till 7pm. One day a week he goes straight from work to his hobby, gets home around 9pm.
As I work school hours during term time I'm home so sort dinner, clothes, chores, lunches etc. DH gets home, eats, falls asleep. I sit down after sorting DD out for bed, around 9.30.

DH has a non stressful job, not a management position and often tells me he's been chilling listening to Spotify as he's bored.

I'm busy from 7am till 9.30pm, not a moment to myself. If I want to exercise I have to go early before he leaves at 7am.

AIBU to ask for a little more help in the evenings? I get that he works long days. But so do I! AIBU to ask him to make DD's packed lunch or do the washing up, before he falls asleep on the sofa?

I should add, on his day off he fully relaxed and does another hobby most of the day. I had 2 days off a week but took another part time job as we needed the money.

Your husband is taking the absolute piss and I wouldn't tolerate it. You're not the fucking skivvy.

I agree with the above

Your DH needs to step up and contribute more to running the home.

So what does he do on his 3 days off? I presume he doing the school run on the one day and then sorting dinner, washing and housework the other days? If not you need to kick him up the arse.

YABU to ask for a little more help in the evenings. He should be doing his share not offering a little help.

One day off is Friday....sleeps in, then hobby, then the weekend so repeat Friday

You must realise that your DH is taking the absolute piss. Surely to God you realise?

This man is meant to love you remember.

Why the fuck are you tolerating this?

That's a very good point. I would much prefer us to be equal partners but it appears not.

Because I doubt myself. Wonder if I should cut him some slack for his long hours. That's why I wanted opinions here.

But you're working the same hours

When does he cut you slack?

Where's your slack? FFS, stop enabling his laziness and misogyny. He's is just as responsible for everything going on with your kids and the housework as you are.

Exactly, I raise this with him A LOT. Doesn't happen or if it does, once in a blue moon then back we go to normal.

Have you spoken to him about it. Outlined that you both work 40 hours but you also do all the household chores and childcare. Explain you want to split things 50:50 and together work out what he will be responsible for. It’s not helping out by the way, he’s an adult who lives in his own house with his own children.

DH and myself both do 40. He cooks almost daily, does the laundry, uniforms, bins, grass cutting. I do the clearing away after tea, gardening, loo cleaning, floors, bedding changing, food shop

If I stop "enabling" him, this stuff would not get done. Have tried leaving it. DD wouldn't have school uniform, lunch etc. I try and try asking and encouraging him to step up, I get so tired of being a nagging wife!

Yeah I have, it usually turns into an argument. The purpose of this thread was to gather opinions so that I can calmly raise it with him when DD is staying at grandparents the week after next. I think having a calm and rational discussion will have more of an impact than me going off on one over the washing up one random evening! (Which is what usually happens)

Ok, that would make me draw a very firm line in the sand. I wouldn’t wash his clothes or cook his tea. I would work to rule, so stop when he stops even if the house is a tip.

Would asking him to go back to a 5 day working week help, so he's home earlier? Or ask him to get another job to free you up (if you want it like that). Don't put up with his lazy shit!

Not necessarily equal day to day but I’d expect overall childcare and household responsibilities to be split equally. Friday home duties take priority over hobby, and weekend mainly equal but with him doing a bit more.

You should be doing the same amount of total work - so between paid work and unpaid work (house/ family) your hours should be roughly the same, and so you have the same leisure/ rest time.

It sounds like he’s massively taking the piss.

I think you need to write down both of your current time tables so that he can see the disparity in really stark terms - show how much leisure time he has compared to you.

Him compressing his paid work hours into 4 days shouldn’t give him a whole day to himself with no “chores” - where is the benefit to you in that?

Why does he work 10-hour shifts over 4 days, rather than 8-hour shifts over 5?

Oh my god. I can’t imagine how you’ve stayed sane with that level of piss taking, he really thinks he’s some thing and you don’t matter at all doesn’t he? Doesn’t that give you the eternal incurable ick? I want to put any hobby equipment he has on a bonfire for you.

You should both get the same amount of time for yourselves.
Your DH will have to do more to accommodate that.

It is kind of reaching the point of permanent ick! Again which is why I want to try to get it sorted before it's too late, but it's got to be a joint effort and not sure it will ever be. But I made my vows for better or for worse!

Yeah his previous 5 day week was much better as he was home by 5. But he absolutely will not go back to that.
He won't change jobs either; his is quite specialist and the only one of its kind in our town.