DH / Work / House stuff

[Doremisofarsogood]

Just looking for opinions on whether or not I'm being U.

DH works a 40 hour week over 4 days.
I work a 40 hour week over 7 days. One job is term time only, 2 jobs are WFH, one in the evenings.

During term time I do all school runs, clubs etc for DD (9). DH is out from 7am till 7pm. One day a week he goes straight from work to his hobby, gets home around 9pm.
As I work school hours during term time I'm home so sort dinner, clothes, chores, lunches etc. DH gets home, eats, falls asleep. I sit down after sorting DD out for bed, around 9.30.

DH has a non stressful job, not a management position and often tells me he's been chilling listening to Spotify as he's bored.

I'm busy from 7am till 9.30pm, not a moment to myself. If I want to exercise I have to go early before he leaves at 7am.

AIBU to ask for a little more help in the evenings? I get that he works long days. But so do I! AIBU to ask him to make DD's packed lunch or do the washing up, before he falls asleep on the sofa?

I should add, on his day off he fully relaxed and does another hobby most of the day. I had 2 days off a week but took another part time job as we needed the money.

Because of his mental health. It has helped his, but is negatively affecting mine!

If he was single he’d have to do all the chores himself. He’s treating you like a skivvy.

Whatever his hobby is needs to stop or be curtailed. When do you get time out of the house by yourself?

He needs to start taking you seriously.

Yeah, you're his skivvy. And whilst you can't change his laziness, you can respond differently. Do you cook, clean and tidy up after him? Who washes his clothes, dishes, bum etc? Yes, I'd have the ick and yes, I'd be mortified and yes, I'd hate for my dd to think this is a normal female role.

I'm quite an angry wasp at times and what I would do is stop doing anything for him. Just do your/DD's meals, your/DD's washing, your/DD's shopping and let him sort himself out. You are either a partnership or you're not, he can't have it all one way. Tell him what you are doing and why, say you are happy to discuss anytime he wants but say you've had enough.

People can only wipe their shoes on you if you let them.

Why’s he falling asleep each evening so early? And why aren’t you sounding an air horn next to his ear when he does?

I would go on strike too.

What happens at weekends? Do you work at the weekend?

He made vows too - he certainly does not cherish you.

Stop enabling his behaviour. Your DC are modelling future relationships on what they see growing up.

If he won't step up then Don't do his laundry and only cook for you and dc.

Remember you both should have equal amounts of child free leisure time and this is not happening at all in this case.

He seems quite lazy
Do you really think a calm discussion is going to change anything? He knows you’ll just do it all anyway

just sort it do a list and have a proper discussion with what he wants to do and what you want to do
we can all be guilty of thinking things just happen when we have no involvement in them

but the important thing is to remember we all have didn’t ways of doing things place different priorities on things and work to different timescales
divided up the list of things to do but don’t interfere or get involved leave him to it

You are being treated appallingly.

There are lots of things you can do.

Write a rota
Down tools for him
Start working in a office on Friday
Leave him with the kids
Find a hobby yourself on a weekend and leave him with the dc

All of this is bullshit though if he simply refuses to do it.

It's all so bullshit because he should be doing his fair share off his own back and shouldn't need rotas or ultimatums.

He's treating you not as a partner but as a maid, it's woefully disrespectful and showing your dc that this is what a relationship should be.

If you've told him and he continues to behave in a certain way, he's showing you this is who he is.

Wow.

So for his mental health he gets 3 days free for his hobbies, plus an evening too. He gets a lie-in all those days, and relaxes every evening.

You work 7 FUCKING DAYS A WEEK and do all the housework and caring for your DC. You don’t get equal rest, you work extra jobs to make ends meet. Meanwhile he’s s easy non-challenging job isn’t up for discussion at all.

How much does he spend on himself and his hobby each month? How are your finances divided?

Does he think it’s fair? This can’t be the first time you’ve discussed it, surely?

Have a final talk with him and if he won't change:

Stop doing anything for him. No laundry , meals etc
I'm guessing you do the wife work of prep if his family come over, sending cards etc. stop all this but obvs tell him
Give up one of your kind. I know you'll say you can't afford it but you've said in your OP he won't change his employment position. It's a simple 'I just can't do this' and then stop

Unless you change your behaviour you will continue to enable his. You need to reset and put yourself and your DD first. Whatever you do just think about what works for YOU first.

Give up one of your Jobs not kind!

I totally agree with what everyone else says that DH needs to pull his weight more.

However ... I have to admit I can't understand how a 40 hours a week job plus caring for one 9 year old means that you don't have any time to yourself between 7-9.30pm. For the sake of your own sanity, and because it's likely DH will prove reluctant to take much more on, maybe have a look at what you are doing and how you are spending your time?

Who is looking after the children on the three days he's off but you're working?

Delineate jobs. From now on he's in charge of packed lunches or other evening tasks for the kids. The kind that don't only impact you if not done, then maybe it'll home more.

How old is DD? Can she make her own lunches/get herself ready?

I get that you say if you don't do things it wont get done, but I'd suggest you do stuff for you/DD for a while on his days off and see how he likes it. On his long days I get that he may need some support. That means leaving the washing up on those days and could mean you end up washing just the dishes you and dd need when you need them. Washing only yours and DDs clothes. Making no meals on his days off and when he asks "what are we eating" saying that you're pushed for time, he needs to sort, and sending dd to him when she asks. And re the exercise, on his days off, you get yourself ready, and call out to him as you're leaving the house, "just popping out for an hour. dd is .....". It's not ideal. It may cause arguments. There will be some disarray. He might get with the programme.

For better or worse means the situation you find yourselves in, not one person deciding to be lazy and selfish!

We both do what needs to be done at any point. Cook dinner, wash up, sort the kids out, put them to bed, tidy up.
We both do all jobs that need doing, without any set routine, so that we can sit down together. Neither of us sit and sleep while the other works!

Sometimes he's out and I do everything. If I'm out, he also just gets in with things.

We're also kind to each other and appreciative of what the other does.

A partner should make your life easier. I would not be his skivvy, he's treating you appallingly and also it's teaching your DD that women do all the work and men are to be waited on. Fuck that.

Yabu to ask for ‘help’ as this implies it’s your job and you should be grateful that he’s giving you a hand. What you need is for him to be an active participant in maintaining his home and raising his child otherwise what is the point of him? Just another person for you to pick up after. I wouldn’t tolerate that

I would say on his 3 days off, he does all the childcare / school runs etc and all the daily housework. Any time he has time left over after, he can relax / do hobbies.

On the days he doesn't have off, he still gets home at 7pm. That's not very late, and he definitely has time to contribute in some way each day in the evenings. Perhaps sorting out DD for bed while you do dinner? Or other misc jobs like packing lunches for the next day, or doing a load of laundry.

You said you both work 40 hours so why do you think his working longer than you. Would should be doing 50/50 of all the other stuff. Why do you have such little expectations of an adult man with a child ?

He needs to do all pick ups and kids stuff on Fridays, half of all tasks on the weekend and preferably a few tasks on other working days though I get it's tricky if he's out until late

Morning, thanks to everyone for their replies, lots of really helpful suggestions and some home truths as well which I appreciate!

I'm definitely guilty of just doing stuff, to get it out the way. Plus with his long days, I'm home earlier so kind of feel I should do it while it's there. He could also be more hands on during the evening's and this has been an ongoing discussion for years - do what needs to be done, then relax!

My jobs - 2 are from home, one is weekend evenings. No scope to go to the office for either as one office is closed during my shift (changed after covid) and the other one is based in London, a 2 hour drive!

The only childcare needed is DD (9) on the evenings I work, but as I work from an office upstairs, she gravitates to me at bedtime and I inevitably end up sorting her. She doesn't need getting ready as such but she's a faffer and needs lots of skivvying along and reminders. He could definitely take charge of this more.

I work 2 days a week (days off from my main job) but again is school hours so no childcare needed.

I exercise either early morning before DH leaves for work, or while DD is at a club (saves driving there and back twice). If I go to the gym etc in the evening, DH has no issue with this, but needs very specific directions about what needs to be done while I'm out.

I think I feel it more in the holidays as I'm here and therefore end up doing more. When I go back to work in September (education) I'll be telling DH things have to change from his point of view. Thank you for the suggestion that he has a specific job every night. DD's lunch is a good one, he can also do mine at the same time.

I'm also going to tell him that he can take DD to school on a Friday (his day off). This way I can start work early and finish earlier,.or get an hours overtime in. Plus it means he'll be up and out in the morning.

I can't have another term like last term where I just felt frazzled by the end of it. The term time job although light on hours is heavy on responsibility and is demanding.

Sorry if I haven't addressed all points - I really appreciate all the responses. About to start work now so will check in later in case I've missed anything.