Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birth certificate help and advice

29 replies

Anonymous256 · 17/08/2022 06:01

Me and my now ex partner spilt during the time I was pregnant as I found out he was cheating on me. However, we agreed to be amicable for our baby.
During our relationship he was very sly and lied a lot but I let him walk all over me as I thought I loved him and never wanted to believe it.

I am British and he is Nigerian, during our relationship (3 years) I never met his family as his dad was very traditional. He never really spoke about his family.
However, I gave birth just under a week ago and I went to his parents to take the baby to them and they were very pushy with having him circumcised which I do not want done and taking him to Nigeria. They also were telling me he has to be christened they did not ask, they were telling me. I was not comfortable with this. My ex said nothing.
I am now very worried about putting my ex on the birth certificate as I feel as though they will go behind my back, I completely understand he has a right to be on there- but I am really worried as I was made to feel very uncomfortable and as if it was just a child of their family and not mine. I don’t not trust my ex, he does not care about me at all and I feel like he will do things even if I disagree.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Noellefreeman · 17/08/2022 06:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Noellefreeman · 17/08/2022 06:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ArcticSkewer · 17/08/2022 06:07

I would be having nothing to do with any of them but it seems a bit late in the day for all this.
Does your ex want any involvement or are you pushing this?

Original poster
Anonymous256 · 17/08/2022 06:21

He wants involvement, he lives with his family. I would never stop him seeing his child, however he wants all the same as his family have said. Personally right now I feel worried about having him on the birth certificate I would want to wait till my baby is abit older as I can add him at any point. It just worries me as he has been very pushy with going to register the birth.

OP posts:
BlueBell50 · 17/08/2022 06:22

If you allow him to register baby with you then you give him equal rights and responsibilities. If you have any doubts then don’t do it now. If the relationship improves in the future and you trust him then you can always re-register your child with his father. There is no time limit. I would also make sure you give him your surname now, again you can change it on re-registration if you choose.

newbiename · 17/08/2022 06:24

I wouldn't put him on the BC also no way would the baby be going to Nigeria.

alittleadvicepls · 17/08/2022 06:27

So is his family also living in the UK since you said he was living with them? Were you and him living together at any point?

Original poster
Anonymous256 · 17/08/2022 06:28

No he was at university for the last 2 years of our relationship so never lived fully together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous256 · 17/08/2022 06:30

This is what I have said to him I just want to re gain his trust and see how things go. I would always be open to adding him abit later on. I would never stop him seeing his child.

OP posts:
Zonder · 17/08/2022 06:31

Don't put him on the birth certificate and don't let him take the child to Nigeria. You have no guarantee the child will ever come back.

I would also apply for a passport asap so that he can't. And I would be wary of unsupervised contact. Your opinions clearly don't count to this family.

alittleadvicepls · 17/08/2022 06:35

Do you think he would take the child to Nigeria and not return him? I’m not sure if Nigeria falls under The Hague Convention off the top of my head.

But also, just because someone is on a birth certificate doesn’t automatically give them guardianship rights- this especially applies to unmarried fathers and the fact that you guys never lived together is also highly relevant.

Wallywobbles · 17/08/2022 06:37

God almighty, I suggest you do a little bit of reading about what can go wrong in these circumstances. The list is pretty long. What is the likelihood that he'll put your wants over those of his family? Pretty low I imagine?

He takes the baby to his family for the day he'll come back christened and circumcised. Time to grow a backbone and forget being amenable. You need everyone to respect you.

dementedpixie · 17/08/2022 06:38

Being on the birth certificate gives him parental responsibility. I wouldn't do it. Register the birth yourself and leave him off for the moment.

Ciela · 17/08/2022 06:41

dementedpixie · 17/08/2022 06:38

Being on the birth certificate gives him parental responsibility. I wouldn't do it. Register the birth yourself and leave him off for the moment.

I agree. Register your DC birth yourself.

alittleadvicepls · 17/08/2022 06:42

I honestly don’t think any good medical practitioner would do a circumcision without the mother’s approval- especially if baby has a different last name to dad.

dementedpixie · 17/08/2022 06:43

alittleadvicepls · 17/08/2022 06:42

I honestly don’t think any good medical practitioner would do a circumcision without the mother’s approval- especially if baby has a different last name to dad.

It won't be a medical practitioner. You are being very naive.

alittleadvicepls · 17/08/2022 06:47

@dementedpixie i am probably being naive yes, can’t say I’m familiar with Nigerian culture. But if it wasn’t done by a medical practitioner then legal actions could be taken against the dad. And him not being on the BC won’t stop him from doing it if the mum gives him unsupervised access.

Jane74656 · 17/08/2022 06:48

You do not put him on birth certificate and do not give the child his surname. That's just for starters. This is all even without the threat/possibility of circumcision and travel and christening behind your back.

If the talk of circumcision continues, then you speak to a lawyer and make this a legal issue (injunction). Same for travel.

loislovesstewie · 17/08/2022 06:49

It's a big 'no' to all of it from me. Register the birth by yourself, don't leave your baby with any of his family , don't allow them to tell you what to do about anything. If he wants to see the baby, he only does so under strict supervision by you in your home. I'll go so far as to say that personally I wouldn't allow any contact as you will be lulled into false security.

Jane74656 · 17/08/2022 06:52

Also if he wants access and makes it legal, you make it legal and counter via lawyers that one major reason he should not have access unsupervised or travel or be put on BC is the threat of circumcision. Trick him to put this on writing, and keep that as evidence. Paper trail is the key. Honestly you have to be very cleaver about this now and not emotional. This is a long game you are playing

ArcticSkewer · 17/08/2022 06:58

If he wants involvement and lives with his family, it sounds like you are going to have to get used to some of this. Personally I wouldn't add him to bc and would refuse access until he demands it formally but, again, it sounds like you already have plans to co-parent.
If they secretly have him christened, who cares.
Circumcised? Big no from me but if he goes with them to Nigeria I would expect him to come back snipped. Here, I don't know, maybe it would still happen without the mother's consent.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/08/2022 07:02

You cannot put him on the birth certificate! He must put himself on it.

There are two ways for him to be on the birth certificate. Either he accompanies you to the appointment to register the birth or he applies through the court to be added after you have registered the baby. It is not a difficult process at all but it does mean that he has to make the effort to fill in a form. It seems that few men can actually be bothered to do that though.

In your shoes, I would register the baby alone and, if he wants, he can add himself at a later stage.

In the meantime, get a passport for your baby so that he cannot apply for one. Discuss custody. Little and often is suggested as best for non residential fathers. Overnights don’t usually begin until the age of 2 or 3 and then only if the child has an existing relationship with the father. Surprisingly, a lot of men can’t be bothered to wait that long.

concreterose31 · 17/08/2022 07:07

I am British Nigerian and I would join everyone in saying you might want to edge in the side of caution with all of this. Within our culture children are seen as “the man’s child” laws within the country tend to favour fathers in a similar way it is thought laws in the uk favour mothers.

christenings, circumcision and a child having their father’s surname are all seen as big deals within our culture. Circumcisions are completed by Jewish Rabbi’s and I don’t think birth certificates are seen as it usual happens before the 7th day (maybe red books or hospital notes) this is a legal practice.

It’s very difficult as not adding him on the birth certificate or giving the child his surname would be seen as a huge problem and may cause him or his family to not want to be involved with the child at all.

im not sure what I would do in your circumstance, did you both not discuss any of this whilst dating or pregnant?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/08/2022 07:23

I'd give baby your surname and not add ex to birth certificate. I'd also apply for passport for baby so ex can't and keep it safe.

Congratulations on your baby!

Aprilx · 17/08/2022 07:26

I don’t understand why you took the baby to see his parents who you had never even met before when you are no longer in a relationship and you have been treated badly! I wouldn’t be going back there anyway.

I would also get the birth registered asap, your name and only you as a parent. I would be worried he might try and get onto the birth certificate anyway, but I wouldn’t be making it easy. I don’t like to say it, but I think I would be trying to cut all contact.