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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he petty or do i take the p?

58 replies

Petpett · 16/08/2022 16:22

Long term relationship, rent together, kids, everything split 50/50. He earns more.

My DP seems to keep track of any money i've borrowed from him and i don't know if that's petty or if i'm taking the piss not paying it back immediately. I'm not talking big amounts of cash, it's purely when im taking the kids out somewhere that i think you may not be able to pay card or a couple quid for parking ill ask if he has any cash to save time on going to cash machine as im terrible for keeping any on me (not an issue with my spending etc i just don't visit the cash machine often thats all) this is not something that happens all the time either but he will remind me i haven't paid back a tenner or use it in an argument sometimes e.g. if im complaining about something he hasn't done round the house (he hardly lifts a finger) then he'll say well you haven't paid me back. I have no issue whatsoever with paying him back i just have a brain like a sieve.

It works both ways, the other day he took all the change i had i think about £4 to buy a drink but i don't expect it back and will never ask him for it. If i have money on me i'm happy to give him some if he asks.

How does everybody else's relationships work, am i being unreasonable to ask for money from him?

OP posts:
NoKnickerElastic · 16/08/2022 16:25

I find the whole 50/50 split thing strange in a long term relationship with children. My DH earns significantly more than me, I work around the children part time. Everything in 1 pot, take as we each need. Large purchases made together.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/08/2022 16:26

We have no his and hers. DH earns far more than me as I'm part time around childcare. We both just spend what we want, both of us considering what is affordable, and never question the other.

To be honest, if I were you I'd be inclined to never ask to borrow it in the first place and just make sure I always had some. Remove his ability to use it against you.

BadGranny · 16/08/2022 16:30

Neither of you is being unreasonable. You just have different attitudes to money. I advise you to choose a time when you aren’t bickering over it to have a calm discussion and agree some ground rules. Perhaps keep a pot of cash in the kitchen for immediate cash needs that is topped up each week from your joint account?

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/08/2022 16:31

Seems an odd arrangement, surely most of the expenses you describe are general 'family' costs and should come out of the joint account? It seems exhausting to be keeping tabs on loose change or the odd drink.

As for his 'I will not do any household chores because you owe me a fiver' philosophy that sounds like an excuse a 10 year old will come up with. Pathetic.

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 16:31

If I ask DP if I can borrow money I'll always pay it back.
If I just say "have you got a tenner I can have for X?" I won't pay it back

So for me it depends how you ask.

hangrylady · 16/08/2022 16:36

YANBU. My DH would never ask for money back and vice versa. He's the higher earner and if I was short one month he'd just transfer me some money with no expectation of it being returned. Sorry but your DH is a tight arse and it's something I would be massively turned off by.

Original poster
Petpett · 16/08/2022 16:46

@NoKnickerElastic i also work around the kids part time and my DP thinks my days off with the kids are in fact my days off, he would never use the words exactly but he thinks looking after them is a breeze compared to working full time like him!

OP posts:
Topgub · 16/08/2022 16:50

@Petpett

Why are you splitting things 50/50 if he earns more

Original poster
Petpett · 16/08/2022 16:51

@girlmom21 i would never ask with the expectation to not pay it back.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 16:53

Petpett · 16/08/2022 16:51

@girlmom21 i would never ask with the expectation to not pay it back.

Then you take the pee by not paying it back.

But your family finances are also all messed up if you work part time and still contribute 50/50. Tell him you're upping your hours and he can reduce his or pay childcare.

GabriellaMontez · 16/08/2022 16:56

Topgub · 16/08/2022 16:50

@Petpett

Why are you splitting things 50/50 if he earns more

This.

This is going to be one of those threads where it's not really about a fiver or whatever. How do you split other tasks ? Childcare and pickups? Holidays? Who has a bigger pension? How will you retire with someone this mean if you have less money?

Ragwort · 16/08/2022 16:59

How do you find such a mean man attractive? I was a SAHM for years (including when our DS was at school so I was hardly overworked Grin) ... all DH's salary went straight in the joint bank account and I used whatever I wanted. No question of 'borrowing' or 'paying back'. To be honest my life was 'a breeze' compared to DH's - one very easy going child - (& low housework standards - plus I never gardened or did any DIY or anything like that) but my DH would never have even hinted at that, he fully respected the fact that I was raising our DC whilst he earned the money (& he always took over at night and weekends- because he loved spending time with his DS and wanted to give me 'time off' ).

djdkdkddkek · 16/08/2022 17:00

how do you even fancy someone who is a) stingy and b) does not help you around the house?
like how is this person in any way attractive?

gamerchick · 16/08/2022 17:01

Ask him for your 4 quid back when you see him.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/08/2022 17:06

What do you both earn? If he's earning a lot more than you then you shouldn't be paying 50/50 as it isn't fair

category12 · 16/08/2022 17:10

Bizarre.

He earns more.
You work part-time to avoid paying out for childcare? Therefore saving you both a joint large bill (I daresay he's one of those blokes thinks childcare should be your cost alone, but he's wrong)

He should be paying more of the bills in proportion to his larger income.

He is a miserable swine to begrudge you a few quid to take the kids out, he should be paying at least half by the 50/50 agreement you supposedly have anyway, but either way he's a miserly, know the price of everything but value of nothing miserable turd.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 16/08/2022 17:26

I'm sorry for being blunt OP but i find your relationship so fucked up I can't even put it into words. Long-term, KIDS, he earns more...and he asks you to "pay him back".
Sorry, that is so appalling. I have no idea what you could possibly see in someone, or why you stay with someone, so stingy, so mean, someone who doesnt see you as a team and as a family. He is a total dickhead, and that's putting it politely.

shreddednips · 16/08/2022 17:39

Like PPs, I don't get the whole setup. I earn a lot more than DH and we don't 'split' anything, it all goes into one big pot. We're saving for a house deposit at the moment so we're watching the pennies- I transfer exactly the same amount of (agreed between us) spending money to a prepaid card each at the beginning of the month, plus food shop budget onto my card as I'm the one who does it. Everything else pays bills/gets saved.

Wouldn't dream of insisting on him having less funds available to him, which is essentially what your partner is doing because you must be left with a lot less cash than him if you split things 50/50. I think it's odd to expect 'paying back' by a partner anyway, but it's especially wrong when one of the reasons he can earn (and keep) so much is because you work part time to care for your children.

I'm not knocking splitting finances if it works for you, even though I wouldn't like it, but I really think it should reflect the amount you each earn- especially in your situation.

Ragwort · 16/08/2022 17:47

It's rather telling also that despite the fact you have been together a 'long time' you have not decided to get married. ..... Hmm is that another way he is protecting his finances?

These threads, and there are so many of them, are so depressing.... I've been on Mumsnet 20+ years and this comes up all the time Sad.

lowlights · 16/08/2022 17:48

I live with DP and my 2 children (teens). I cannot think of a time when DP had ever asked for money back (I don't take the piss but the kids seem to relieve me of any cash quite quickly hence I don't seem to have any readily to hand).

He's not their dad but we are a family unit and therefore it doesn't occur to either of us to account for small amounts of expenditure. Obviously if I borrowed several hundreds of pounds I'd repay it but a tenner here or there - no

RandomMess · 16/08/2022 17:50

He is being unreasonable and miserly he earns more, he should be paying in more than 50% of shared costs. You should have equal "spending" money which doesn't include you having to cover the cost of doing things with the DC etc.

Start charging him for childcare so you have an equal income Angry

FOJN · 16/08/2022 17:57

everything split 50/50. and (he hardly lifts a finger)

Everything is split 50/50 apart from the housework.

I can't believe you pay 50% of everything but work part time. He's been very good as protecting himself, you should start thinking about doing the same.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/08/2022 18:02

He earns more, you do more childcare but still contribute 50%, he's petty about small amounts of money.

Yup, he's an arsehole. He won't change. I'd leave.

TeapotTitties · 16/08/2022 18:05

I can't believe what I've just read.

You have to pay to take his kids out and pay for parking too?

How often does he take the kids out on his own?

Stag82 · 16/08/2022 18:10

Look at it this way. Your earning potential is limited because you do the bulk of the childcare yet you are still expected to pay 50% of the costs? And the money spend on DCs on your ‘child care’ days has to come from your personal budget. I know who has the better deal here and it isn’t you!

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