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Original poster

Is he petty or do i take the p?

58 replies

Petpett · 16/08/2022 16:22

Long term relationship, rent together, kids, everything split 50/50. He earns more.

My DP seems to keep track of any money i've borrowed from him and i don't know if that's petty or if i'm taking the piss not paying it back immediately. I'm not talking big amounts of cash, it's purely when im taking the kids out somewhere that i think you may not be able to pay card or a couple quid for parking ill ask if he has any cash to save time on going to cash machine as im terrible for keeping any on me (not an issue with my spending etc i just don't visit the cash machine often thats all) this is not something that happens all the time either but he will remind me i haven't paid back a tenner or use it in an argument sometimes e.g. if im complaining about something he hasn't done round the house (he hardly lifts a finger) then he'll say well you haven't paid me back. I have no issue whatsoever with paying him back i just have a brain like a sieve.

It works both ways, the other day he took all the change i had i think about £4 to buy a drink but i don't expect it back and will never ask him for it. If i have money on me i'm happy to give him some if he asks.

How does everybody else's relationships work, am i being unreasonable to ask for money from him?

OP posts:
PurpleCatCuddles · 16/08/2022 18:13

You need a new system.

DW and I put all our money into the joint account. We take equal fun money from it, even though one of us earns more. We also have a joint fun money pot.

We're not parents yet but when we are I will be reducing my hours and we will be paying for any days out (even just the kids and I) with the joint pot. It's not the same as fun money!

SmileyClare · 16/08/2022 18:16

Everything isn't split 50-50, you're doing all childcare, running the house, cooking, cleaning, paying for days out and also having to put up with him using a bit of petty cash borrowed from him as a stick to beat you with.

Agree with pps, he sounds very unattractive.

FinallyHere · 16/08/2022 18:39

kids, everything split 50/50. He earns more.

That, right there, is not fair. I'm guessing you do more household and DC related care.

And another thing, the money for taking DC out and about should definitely come from joint spends and not your own money.

50:50 is fair before you have DC. Afterwards, not so much.

Why does he consider that paying for his children (and housework) are your personal responsibility rather than a joint effort.

Did you discuss this stuff before you had DC? Is he one of the kind that are happy with sharing until DC come along and impact your career and earning power and in his opinion are much less likely and able to get out of he doesn't carry a fair share.

I'm very sorry you are in this position.

he thinks looking after them is a breeze compared to working full time like him!

People only think this because it's convenient for them to do so and they haven't done hardly any childcare so can blushingly pretend it's a treat for you.

Looks like he wants to share 50:50 when it suits him (earnings) and not when it would inconvenience him (household chores, looking after your joint DC).

What a prince.

daisy46 · 16/08/2022 19:03

Ew, so petty. He should be paying you for childcare if he wants true 50/50. 🙄

dotdotdotdash · 16/08/2022 19:10

He earns more so why are you splitting things 50/50? Your earning potential is also limited by working part time and providing child care. He doesn't pay back but you do! You are also saying he barely lifts a finger at home.

Why on earth are you putting up with being treated this way? You deserve so much better. Either stand up for yourself and see if he is willing to change; or think about leaving. It's no life for you.

Q2C4 · 16/08/2022 20:01

NoKnickerElastic · 16/08/2022 16:25

I find the whole 50/50 split thing strange in a long term relationship with children. My DH earns significantly more than me, I work around the children part time. Everything in 1 pot, take as we each need. Large purchases made together.

How does paying for things like clothes for each of you work? For example, if you want to buy something to wear, do you have to check with your DH first? Does that answer differ if you're shopping in Ted Baker or Primark? I'd hate to have to clear purchases with my DH first which is why we don't pool all earnings (we pool enough to cover all joint expenses such as mortgage, nursery fees etc but we each keep some back for ourselves). I like to feel I can spend some of what I have earnt as I choose, free from censure by anyone else (however ridiculous the item/expense!).

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/08/2022 20:08

@Q2C4 we have set budgets for things like clothes just like I would if I was single. Then also pocket money we can spend on whatever without checking. And we don't check unless it's a big purchase.

It's all very civilised. And much more fair.

Original poster
Petpett · 16/08/2022 20:10

@GabriellaMontez nothing other than money is split 50/50. I do all household chores and cooking. DP does one morning of dropping off and I do the rest. I also organise all childcare during school hols including taking time off work to care for them. DP does take time off but it's always for a joint reason like a family holiday or time off over xmas when I'm off too. He doesn't take time off for the kids specifically.

I don't think our relationship is fair at all but I put up with it, i suppose with all I do I think why should he begrudge me the odd £10 or bit of change sometimes, even though I do pay it back mostly, the few times I've forgotten are such a big deal for him.

OP posts:
spirit20 · 16/08/2022 20:15

Depends. If it's general household expenses, then yes, it is unreasonable. If it's for personal stuff for you, then I can see his point.

Original poster
Petpett · 16/08/2022 20:18

@Cigarettesaftersex1 to be fair the discrepancy isn't as much as it used to be, before he earned nearly double what I did and I used to struggle after paying the bills to have much to spend on anything else but I have since got a new job and he has since had a role change that although is a higher standard wage he cannot do any overtime or be on call which he did before which was an extra few hundred sometimes. So the difference in our wages is a couple hundred now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Petpett · 16/08/2022 20:23

@spirit20 it is 99% of the time for taking the children out. So completely spent on them, I would never ask him for money for something personal for me. Odd occasion I might have asked if he had any change for the carpark if i was going shopping or something but i think that's a normal thing to ask in a relationship, I'd give him change if he asked me and I had it.

OP posts:
Imagenieinabottle · 16/08/2022 20:34

He is being unreasonable. I work part time to suit our family arrangements, Dh works full time, all money in one pot, both have access, big purchases discussed and made together.

AhNowTed · 16/08/2022 20:39

He's being bloody ridiculous.

How can you "borrow" from your long term partner when everything should be shared money anyway.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/08/2022 20:42

So you contribute equally financially
You do the vast majority of childcare
You do the vast majority of chores
I bet you do the vast majority of mental load

So effectively you're bringing a load more to the relationship than him, and he also begrudges you a few quid of 'his' money even though -
You are helping his career by making sure he never has to take a day off with a sick child, he can relax on holiday because he is never in charge of the kids himself, and he only has to do minimal drop offs and pick ups
You are saving the family thousands of pounds a year in childcare and sacrificing your salary to do so

Time for a reorganisation. Of everything. And think about how you can protect yourself financially if you split and you arent married...you might want to consider going back to work full time, sharing pick ups drop offs and sick days and holidays for childcare, share house chores and then you will have more cash to yourself and be able to build up your own pension

LannieDuck · 16/08/2022 20:47

I don't understand this at all. Are the kids his? Why would you pay him back for money that was spent on his kids?

You pay 50% of the bills. So why doesn't he do 50% of the chores and childcare?

I get that in some couples one partner might maximise their earning potential while the other is a SAHP or goes part time to look after the kids. Then one pays more of the bills while the other does more of the chores.

But you're doing 100% (nearly) of the chores, 100% (nearly) of the childcare, and still pay 50% of the bills!

Seriously, he's taking the proverbial.

SmileyClare · 16/08/2022 21:06

Yeah I'd go as far as to say that this is verging on financial abuse, particularly when you were earning less and left with nothing after paying half of all the bills and struggling.

He's also weaponising any tiny "debt" you owe him and using that to excuse him from lifting a finger at home. It's manipulative.

He sounds extreme selfish and expects you to shoulder all that bringing up dc entails- not just financially but emotionally, physically, the whole mental load.

Hopefully this thread has helped you gain some perspective on your set up.

Orangello · 16/08/2022 21:24

wow he really has a cushy life!
You are paying back money you spent on joint children?

Riverlee · 16/08/2022 21:32

Seems really petty to ask for money back, especially if small change, and especially in a long term relationship. If I need some cash, I’ll let dh know I’m taking money from his wallet (so he doesn’t think he’s lost it), but he wouldn’t say ‘you owe me £10 ‘, and expect me to pay it back. It’s all family money.

Opaljewel · 17/08/2022 09:19

Me and my partner have separate accounts no children. (One cat lol) so we share all bills as we have a similar wage. But he pays for council tax, I pay for car as I have a lot of outgoings with it.

Now and then I will ask for something and send him the money over for it. Think expensive medication he has gone into shop and got me whilst getting us some good shopping

He never asks for it but I think it's good will to send him it. That's just on me though not him.

What we do is naturally take turns in buying stuff for us, for home for the cat and food. It always works out and we never keep tabs on this at all. But I prefer to know what is my money after bills wo I can spend what I like on myself. I prefer to be independent with my money. But then we don't have kids.

savethatkitty · 17/08/2022 09:23

He sounds rather petty

Orangello · 17/08/2022 09:49

If he charges you 50% of all the costs, start billing him for 50% of the work you do.

billy1966 · 17/08/2022 10:17

What a pig you have chosen to have children with.

GabriellaMontez · 17/08/2022 17:54

You earn less.
Do more in the house.
More of the childcare.
But contribute the same money.

You see the problem here is not the odd fiver (although that is tight and unattractive) it's your general set up.

You should probably go back to work full time and prepare to leave him.

Because i think you're going to have a difficult time making the sort of profound changes in your relationship that are necessary.

Or accept being a dogsbody to this tightwad.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 17/08/2022 17:56

I'd find this gross tbh and couldn't be with a man who kept track of money like that. Not when you have kids...

Quartz2208 · 17/08/2022 17:59

Why do you put up with this?

I would leave but if not I agree start charging him or stop doing stuff for him