to avoid conversations about Wills and inheritance

[threemealsaday]

DH's parents are obsessed with wills and inheritance.
They have always seemed to me to have put their life on hold and seem to be hanging around waiting for granny's inheritance, and have now completely flown off the handle with possibility that granny may go to a nursing home and their awaited inheritance may disappear.
This attitude has been passed onto the DH's sister (my SIL) who also obsesses over the inheritance she is due.
We have noticed recently that PIL have started talking about how they will be sorting out their will's very soon. DH and I don't engage in these conversations.
They gift a lot of money towards SIL, as she is unable to live within her means, and we have seen them use this as a way to maintain control over her decisions.
How do we avoid entering into conversations regarding wills/ inheritance. They are always talking about it, and no family gathering passes without a mention of inheritance. I find it extremely morbid.
DH and I are relying on ourselves only and are working to build up our own wealth and assets. We don't expect anything from PIL and would much prefer they spent their money or saved it for their care needs in the future. How do we convey this politely?

They all sound like awful, awful people. Just walk away from the conversations when they start. I wouldn’t worry that much about seeming rude to people like this.

A cheerful and crisp "can't take it with you" ?

No pockets in your shroud …

“Oh it’s far too nice a day to be so morbid.”
”I can’t think about such gloomy things while we are celebrating X.”
”You do whatever you think best. No need to discuss it with us.”

And repeat. Forever.

I would use your final paragraph to formulate a response the next time the subject comes up.

My dad and stepmum are a bit the same, but their conversations seem to focus on trying to reassure us that they have not combined their pre-marriage assets, and so the respective children (I have one sibling and 2 step-siblings) inheritances are all assured. I find it all a bit unnecessary, tbh.

For context, my mum and dad were happily married for 3 weeks shy of 25 years until mum died. Dad met stepmum about 18m-2y later, and they have been married since 2001 - not a flash in the pan type of relationship!! She's really nice - one of her parents was from the European mainland and she's a feeder!!!

I have repeatedly told them that the conversations are not required. Their assets are fairly equal, I think, so combined or not, meh.

I have a feeling that my brother and step siblings might not feel the same though. My brother is an entitled little twat, and step siblings are VERY money focussed - obsessed with having their own businesses and working all hours to earn as much as possible. DH and I don't work that way. We have both been public sector workers for about 20 years, and then we got out due to feeling disenchanted, and now both work for large organisations. We know that we're never going to "make a million" as my dad frequently reminds me, but we're also not just like ships that pass in the night - one going out to work as the other comes home.

it’s probably different because I’m an only child but my mum really seemed to need to discuss her will with me, to explain one of the major decisions she had made and I think she needed my approval. She didn’t leave me everything and I totally respected that and it was not a problem for me or our relationship but I think she needed to know that. So I would suggest engaging just once and telling them that whatever decisions they make, you are happy with that. That ‘approval’ may well be what they’re looking for,

“You do whatever you think best.”

Yes this is a good one. And then change the topic.

It actually is important to have these conversations, not so much about who gets what and how much but:

• what are their preferences in terms of long term treatment if they need a ventilator or are unable to make their own decisions
• who do they want to be responsible for decisions about their healthcare
• what are their preferences for housing/care homes if they ever need them
• do they have any preferences around funerals, even if they don't discuss it now, have they written it down or made any arrangements
• do they actually have wills or are they assuming that everything will go to the other and then to children
• do those wills protect any assets for their children if that is what they want

I lost my mum when I was 21 and my dad when I was 28. I had no idea what kind of funerals they wanted and neither had wills.

My dad actually remarried in those 7 years so me and my brothers essentially ended up disinherited because all of my mums assets went to my dad and all of my dads went to his new wife.

My dad wasn't capable of making the arrangements when mum died so I ended up having to decide what she would have wanted, having never had those kind of discussions and it was hard.

I and DH have had lots of open conversations about our wishes and we have wills that allow for a lifetime interest in the house but the 50% ownership to pass to our DD.

I think it's really important to have all of this in the open. It shouldn't be a grabby 'yay I get their money' conversation, and it shouldn't be used to control someone, but it should be thought through and discussed.

The more they talk about it the less you get.

I think it’s fair enough to have one convo but they won’t stop at that without a hint. Or 50 hints.

Bear in mind this is their way of feeling rich and giving you £0.00 - treat accordingly.

sensible discussions are good....we all had one after my GM passed away as found out that my mums house and her sisters house were in the GM name for some odd reason so added to the tax bill....a total waste of money so we sorted things out to mitigate further taxes.

Tell them to provide adequately for their old age because you won’t be looking after them.

If they're like most people, their biggest asset will be their house, which they can't spend.

Personally I think having proper discussions about inheritance is far from morbid, and in fact is eminently sensible. What is it they want to discuss with you?

While I see where you are coming from, a proper discussion won’t be a bad thing. Depending on their estate, you need to understand what liability you could potentially be left with such as IHT bills. Have you discussed POAs should they no longer be able to make financial or health decisions for themselves? Have a proper chat with them, and once everything is in place, there is no long a need to discuss it further.

It’s all about tone, though, isn’t it?

From what OP said, these aren’t constructive conversations.

say you last paragraph to them. And repeat it every time the subject comes up .

Just tell them you'd prefer not to discuss it. Like an adult would.

I'm the opposite, my family are very open about finances, wills and make it known when things have been updated and I find it very useful to know what 'I'm getting' and always have done.

If you don't want to discuss it just tell them. They can't read your minds unfortunately

Or the other one "you'll never see a hearse with a trailer".

@threemealsaday DH and I are relying on ourselves only and are working to build up our own wealth and assets

I so admire your values, they are well-founded. You are free of the ball-and-chain that many people place around the necks of their offspring and other relatives. There is no better feeling than not having to cow-tow to the emotional blackmail that comes with that package. said from a position of considerable experience, having been asked by a relative to email our current home details, and that of several other family members, not once, not twice but numerous times, when they fancied some entertainment "oh, it's for the new version of my Will" yawn

They are always talking about it, and no family gathering passes without a mention of inheritance

Maybe limit the number of family gatherings you go to, pick and choose. Where you have no option but to listen to them discussing the subject, don't engage, actively listening, nodding sagely but don't be drawn on an opinion. That type of person will soon get bored if they don't get any reaction from you, it's often a control thing....

Just tell them you aren’t interested in any inheritance. I’ve told my Dm so many times that I don’t want her money.

PIL are a bit like this. They subsidise SIL a great deal (bought her a house, new cars, they pay for her holidays, home improvements etc) but have never given DH a penny. He doesn't want their money and his attitude is that it's a good thing as he is self-sufficient and driven, whereas SIL is irresponsible and thinks the world owes her something because this is what she has been taught to believe. But every single time we see them, PIL will mention a new purchase they've made or somewhere they're planning to go and joke "we're spending your inheritance hahaha!" It happens literally every time we have a conversation. DH always just changes the subject. It makes him uncomfortable because he knows deep down he knows he's going to get nothing whilst his sister will be well taken care of, because that's how it's always been.

If you don’t need it, think of your future kids. You could set them up nicely with large deposits and inflate their pensions to take the pressure off the unborn generations which will be significant compared to the generations you’re talking about here.

I agree people talking and counting on an inheritance is quite crass. However from experience everyone should have a will, and if there are reasonable sums involved estate planning can be important.

If you like them and/or want to be kind, how about: "PIL we'd much prefer to have you than your money, so can we please stop discussing what happens when you're gone."

Agree with PP who said estate planning is important, but you don't necessarily need to know their plans in detail, just that they have them.

I agree that talking sensibly about a will is a good thing - that said holding it over someone is not & never forget unless you are rich as croessus all of it could be taken up by care home fees. Which is why DH & I have always shifted for ourselves and never expect any one else's money.

There's two issues here...

1. They haven't actually sorted out their wills yet by the sounds of it? Just playing a weird game of saying they'll do it 'soon'. They should get this done asap if they are as obsessed as you say, otherwise they risk dying intestate and a lot of their money will be wasted in legal fees by their grabby daughter.

2. They're raging about having to pay to provide care for one of their mothers whilst also hosting regular chit-chat about how inheritance works? They sound real charmers. Perhaps ask what they'd like you to do if they needed to go into care, bearing in mind its illegal to just let people die in order to save some cash. Should focus their terrible minds.

I agree with PP who say discussion of wills/inheritance is a good thing, but can understand you don't want it every Sunday after your roast dinner.

I too find it an uncomfortable subject. I am the executer for my parents and really didn't like discussing it, but understood that it was reassuring for my parents.

I would rather they enjoyed their money while they can. My sister is another matter. Have heard her and her partner discussing inheritance with a very grabby attitude.

I have reminded her that there may not be much after possible care homes costs etc. No one should ever expect an inheritance. It is distasteful.

I think the only thing you can do OP is try to change the subject or say you would not like to think about them dying.