to avoid conversations about Wills and inheritance

[threemealsaday]

DH's parents are obsessed with wills and inheritance.
They have always seemed to me to have put their life on hold and seem to be hanging around waiting for granny's inheritance, and have now completely flown off the handle with possibility that granny may go to a nursing home and their awaited inheritance may disappear.
This attitude has been passed onto the DH's sister (my SIL) who also obsesses over the inheritance she is due.
We have noticed recently that PIL have started talking about how they will be sorting out their will's very soon. DH and I don't engage in these conversations.
They gift a lot of money towards SIL, as she is unable to live within her means, and we have seen them use this as a way to maintain control over her decisions.
How do we avoid entering into conversations regarding wills/ inheritance. They are always talking about it, and no family gathering passes without a mention of inheritance. I find it extremely morbid.
DH and I are relying on ourselves only and are working to build up our own wealth and assets. We don't expect anything from PIL and would much prefer they spent their money or saved it for their care needs in the future. How do we convey this politely?

Totally agree @Whirlygiggles We have a bizarre, almost opposite, situation to OP with PIL - they are obsessed with the fact that they'll need care so are exceptionally careful with their money in the here and now, despite both working 40/50 years to obtain the financial cushion.

Whenever we tell them to enjoy it, they say they can't afford care, we say it's ok we can sell your house. "No, that's your inheritance". And so it goes on.

I have a Aunt and Uncle a bit like this. They are childless so constantly talking about their will. They recently moved house and I went to visit them and was handed a notebook to write down what I wanted when theu die. When I suggested that they sell it all and sail around the world instead it was like I suggest robbing a bank.

You should be encouraging them to have a will, even if you have no wish to know or discuss the contents of it.

Maybe they should speak to your dh privately as it concerns him in the first instance anyway.

Is opting out altogether a possibility for you?

For reasons I won't derail the thread with I told my parents years ago I didn't want anything and they should leave everything to my sister.

It’s all very well being nice and superior and ‘we don’t need your money’ when it’s not actually likely for a few years.
However in reality it’s a good idea to find out their wishes around old age whilst they still have their marbles.
I must admit it’s also nice to have an inheritance. Yes I would prefer my parents to be alive, but given that we all have to die it’s nice to get some money. I was able to use it to retire a couple of years early and help my DC’s get on the housing ladder. Are you really saying you wouldn’t want that?

@Fairyliz - no I am not saying something of an inheritance would not be useful for DCs - just saying don't work your life around it it - it may not happen for various reasons .

Plaster on a smile and say something like "Does your mum know you're so gleefully awaiting her death?" or "Wow, what a bunch of grasping bastards you are"?

Yes, but when they try to use money and "gifts" to exert control (as we have seen with SIL) it also becomes my concern.

Why haven't they sorted their wills or LPAs out yet?
Tell them to come back and tell you when they've done it...what their funeral wishes are etc. Then never engage in conversation with them about it again

Well they have! They just keep raising that they will be "redoing" them. Which we did bizarre as there have been no major life changes. DH and I both find it morbid and awkward the frequency with which they talk about it.
MIL still resents her father for not leaving her with "enough".

*which we think is bizarre

Tricky. My mum and I are will chatters on that we spent large amounts of our time discussing past wills, family scandals about wills, which picture was going to which of us, her savings. Neither of us found this odd, and I recently found my first ever will which I made aged 17... She also told me what a good quality of life meant to her and gave me power of attorney, and thank goodness she did, it has helped now that she is cognitively disabled.

If you don't like discussing this stuff, absolutely fine. Tell them to write it down and put it somewhere sensible (mum gave it to a solicitor in her old home town, we had to guess but we got there). Only engage if you find it entertaining.

Just talk about something else with them if it's at family gatherings, or steer the conversation away. If they ask you direct questions about their wills in relation to you, you can say, "whatever you want to do is fine by us, we don't expect or need anything".

This. ^

Everyone should have a will, POA and a letter with expression of wishes. The letter can be updated as much as you like without changing the will.

It makes everything so much easier for the executor(s) if there is a will. I'd go so far to say that it really isn't fair of whoever executes your estate to not have a will.

One conversation in private so that you know what to expect is a good idea, too. Thereafter, I'd encourage anyone to use the 'do as you see fit' suggested above.

If they've already made a will and are redoing it without any substantial change in assets/family expansions, then it sounds like they're just bored and looking for conversation because they've made an appointment at the solicitors/bank/whatever and this represents the highlight of their social calendar.

I understand if people redo wills when, say, grandchildren are born, or if one of them decides to buy a vintage Porsche and wants to specify what happens to it. But in this instance it sounds like there'll be no real change? Unless they are genuinely planning to change the percentage splits, which is entirely up to them of course but would be a matter for your DH/SIL and PIL to discuss privately.

@purplecorkheart :
Could I just say this as a recently bereaved, childless woman?

Some of what your Aunt and Uncle did in asking you to write down what you'd like when they've gone, could be to do with them getting some comfort from knowing that some of their "treasures" will still be being appreciated by someone when they're dead rather than just being sold for peanuts in an souless auction - maybe?

No need for them to keep talking about their will though.

DH and I are relying on ourselves only and are working to build up our own wealth and assets

Very wise of you both, OP; IME it's the only way to go if you want peace of mind

I also agree with simply not engaging and then changing the subject, so that the issue of controlling you financially never arises in the first place

There is nothing morbid about planning for the inevitable. My mum keeps talking about it but not doing anything, which means I don't actually know what she wants. She is very clear though that she is relying on me to make sure, what she wants is what happens. It is going to be really distressing for me when it turns out I can't do that.

You might need to be polite with your ILs, your DH doesn't! He can just say look, I don't want anything from you, I want you to spend it on yourself; I feel that you're trying to manipulate me but it won't work because I'm not interested in your money, I want to see you enjoying yourselves."

My mum is like this. Talked about Granny’s will while she was still alive, seriously considered contesting the will when Granny died before her husband, spent a load of it as soon as Granny’s husband died then sorted out her and her husband’s will (not my dad) and wrote another, secret, will dealing with what’s left of the inheritance.
She’s left a copy of the wills with me, wanted me to go through it with her on Boxing Day 🙄
We've told all of our parents to spend the lot, but don’t expect us to pay for care homes. I don’t want anything when they go, and I’m certainly not waiting around rubbing my hands waiting for them to die.