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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I do?

32 replies

pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 11:37

What does this even mean? Husband says he loves me/fancies me etc but is not IN love with me? What is the difference? Is it over?

I must admit I don’t feel the same as I used to, but surely that is normal?

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2022 11:44

Sounds like a bullshit excuse to end things to me. Easing you into the idea that your relationship isn't enough for him. It's a shit thing to say to someone.

Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 11:50

I don’t think I can come back from it if I’m honest.

OP posts:
AsanteSana · 16/08/2022 11:55

So sorry OP, don't know how to word this gently, but it is part of the 'script' and a precursor to him casting eyes at, or having an affair with, someone else. So sorry💐

Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 12:08

You really think there is somebody else?

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 16/08/2022 12:10

Either you agree to work on things for a set time or separate. I'd be concerned he has a wandering eye.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2022 12:16

I think he's having an affair. Not being "in love" with you is absolutely the Script.

Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 12:20

I have asked him to just tell me, at this point it doesn’t really matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 12:31

If he has got somebody else he would be an absolute hypocrite as he has been slagging somebody else off for doing exactly that and saying how wrong it is etc. he said if it was him he would just tell.

OP posts:
whentheraincame · 16/08/2022 12:38

CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2022 11:44

Sounds like a bullshit excuse to end things to me. Easing you into the idea that your relationship isn't enough for him. It's a shit thing to say to someone.

It's shit to express your feelings honestly?

What ulterior motive is he meant to have? If that's what he feels why is shit? Is it not shitter to keep that to yourself?

whentheraincame · 16/08/2022 12:39

It depends on what you want from the marriage, but if it were us I would ask what he wanted to come of this and find out whether he wanted to split up or stay together etc. etc.

And go from there.

prepared101 · 16/08/2022 12:43

Sorry OP, this is act one of 'The Script'.
Stay calm on the surface, gather important documents like marriage certificate/passport, copy/photograph/scan any important financial documents and be ready to get really fucking angry.

Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 14:00

All I care about is the kids, I honestly don’t have the time for this, how would he even find the time for another woman?

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2022 14:02

whentheraincame · 16/08/2022 12:38

It's shit to express your feelings honestly?

What ulterior motive is he meant to have? If that's what he feels why is shit? Is it not shitter to keep that to yourself?

Show quote history

Of course its a shit thing to say. It's a line as old as marriage. Using a line like that to signal to a spouse that you've checked out of the relationship is shit whether it's 'honest' or not. There are ways and ways, and this way shows no kindness or respect.

whentheraincame · 16/08/2022 14:12

CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2022 14:02

Of course its a shit thing to say. It's a line as old as marriage. Using a line like that to signal to a spouse that you've checked out of the relationship is shit whether it's 'honest' or not. There are ways and ways, and this way shows no kindness or respect.

Show quote history

So if you feel that way what are you supposed to say instead of your true feelings?

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2022 14:22

pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 14:00

All I care about is the kids, I honestly don’t have the time for this, how would he even find the time for another woman?

They always find time. I used to work with someone who had an affair with a colleague.

He used to commute about 90 mins in the car and always left home around 5.45 to avoid the worst of the traffic and get to work by. 7.30.

Once he started seeing the OW he’d just go to hers for 6.30, shagged, went for breakfast. Literally zero change in the routine except getting to work around 8.30 instead.

Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 14:24

He has assured me there isn’t anybody else?

OP posts:
BoredWithLife · 16/08/2022 14:27

What does he want the next steps to be? has he talked about working on it or trying to change/fix anything?

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 14:31

I don't think it matters whether there's somebody else or not at this point.

I'd start working out next steps.

CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2022 14:32

whentheraincame · 16/08/2022 14:12

So if you feel that way what are you supposed to say instead of your true feelings?

Show quote history

It's not a situation I personally have been in so I don't know what I would say, but being 'honest' in this kind of situation is often synonymous with wanting to hurt and/or destabilise a partner. And what the fuck does it even mean to say 'I love/fancy you but I'm not in love with you'? It's a crock because the guy wants to share his wife and play away at the same time, probably until he's got his next accommodation sorted out.

Sorry OP, don't want to derail any more, and I hope you're OK. You deserve far better than your husband.

CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2022 14:33

Share = shag

Frazzledmummy123 · 16/08/2022 14:37

How awful! 💐. It is either one of 3 things in my opinion:

  1. As other have said, it is the start of the script.
  1. He fancies someone else, and even if nothing has happened yet, he has decided he isn't in love with you because of his infatuation with her. (This happened with someone I know, their now ex developed an infatuation with another woman and said he was no longer in love with her).
  1. If the age fits (you didn't mention what age you both are), he is having a mid life crisis? He could be either suddenly craving the single life or attention seeking to test how you feel about him (is he the type to usually play mind games?).

Either way, it is shit and you don't deserve this. Even if there isn't anyone else, he has said something which is going to be almost impossible to come back from.

If asking him outright isn't giving you a straight answer, I wonder if you pretending you don't care might create a reaction and give you your answer. If there is another woman, he'll go, and if there isn't and he is attentiin seeking, he'll get a shock and regret saying it.

Pieceofpurplesky · 16/08/2022 15:04

Yep part of the script. Me ex was the same. Was shagging my friend. Next he will start blaming you in small ways - you nag etc

Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 15:07

That has already started! 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 15:08

She is honestly welcome to him, he is a lazy shit who pleases himself.

OP posts:
been and done it. · 16/08/2022 15:39

pinacoladapleasethanks · 16/08/2022 11:37

What does this even mean? Husband says he loves me/fancies me etc but is not IN love with me? What is the difference? Is it over?

I must admit I don’t feel the same as I used to, but surely that is normal?

My first husband told me in bed after sex, prior to leaving me and the children..when I asked if he still loved me...he said he did love me but not the same as he used to - my heart broke, I knew it was game over then..you can't come back from that can you?

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