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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boss asked if I was pregnant

33 replies

Soembarassed111 · 16/08/2022 10:34

Not really AIBU other than an AIBU to post a plea for sympathy.

Boss called after me in the corridor asking if I was pregnant. I’m not. I had a miscarriage after a long time of trying earlier this year (it was quite early on so nobody knows at work) and I know I’ve put on weight.

I just feel awful. I am fat and I should be pregnant.

She tried to style it out by claiming she thought I was somebody else but I can’t stop dwelling on it.

OP posts:
sunsoutmumsout · 16/08/2022 10:36

This happened to me - I told her I'd miss carried a week ago and would suggest she doesn't ask something so personal in the future

Septemberslooming · 16/08/2022 10:39

sunsoutmumsout · 16/08/2022 10:36

This happened to me - I told her I'd miss carried a week ago and would suggest she doesn't ask something so personal in the future

What a response and we'll deserved

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 10:40

That's an awful thing to ask someone if you're not sure. I'm sorry for your loss x

DysmalRadius · 16/08/2022 10:44

That's fucking outrageous and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this shit. How dare she ask you that?!?? I'd be horrified if a friend asked let alone a manager!

antelopevalley · 16/08/2022 11:12

She should not have asked that.
But I have been the boss waiting for an employee to tell me she was pregnant when she was visibly pregnant. She told me at six months pregnant and asked me not to tell anyone as she had not told anyone, not even her mother. It was obvious just by looking.

Original poster
Soembarassed111 · 16/08/2022 11:41

But I’m not pregnant @antelopevalley, I’m very sadly not. And she had no way of knowing I ever was.

Ive been so low during the fertility stuff and I know I’ve been comfort eating/put on weight. I just didn’t need it pointed out in the corridor.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 16/08/2022 11:46

She was in the wrong but any chance the manager could see your going through something difficult and wanted to check in

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 11:47

Hankunamatata · 16/08/2022 11:46

She was in the wrong but any chance the manager could see your going through something difficult and wanted to check in

Then you say "you seem like you're going through something - is everything ok?" Not "are you pregnant?"

And you do it respectfully and confidentially - not in a corridor.

Sowhatp · 16/08/2022 11:50

OP you have a shit manager. Please don't feel awful, it's your manager that should feel awful for being so shite at her job.

Mummybud · 16/08/2022 11:51

Soembarassed111 · 16/08/2022 11:41

But I’m not pregnant @antelopevalley, I’m very sadly not. And she had no way of knowing I ever was.

Ive been so low during the fertility stuff and I know I’ve been comfort eating/put on weight. I just didn’t need it pointed out in the corridor.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It was entirely inappropriate. Please say something to her. If you don’t want to say it to her face, send a brief email. “Re our conversation earlier, I’ve recently had a miscarriage but it is not something I wish to discuss at work”.

Original poster
Soembarassed111 · 16/08/2022 11:52

We don’t really cross paths at work as I’m not usually on the same project as her so I’d be surprised if she’d noticed anything off. My pregnancy wasn’t common knowledge at work at all (I got covid and had some annual leave at the same time so I didn’t take any sick leave etc and nobody knew, it was early days). I’d be surprised if she’d had noticed if I’d announced a pregnancy to be honest as we don’t interact really at all. It’s making me think it really must be a weight thing that made her say it.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 16/08/2022 11:53

its not a polite question for ANYONE to ask

Original poster
Soembarassed111 · 16/08/2022 11:54

Thank you everyone for your support. To be honest I’d felt that I was doing so much better with the fertility stuff (I’ve had helpful therapy etc), it was just a double whammy of 1) no I’m not pregnant but I really want to be/could have been and 2) body image issues/is it that obvious I’ve put on weight.

OP posts:
Somanymistakes · 16/08/2022 11:55

It's happened to me several times. It's upsetting. If I wear a dress or top that cinches in under the boobs it happened.

I'm sorry it happened to you. It's really upsetting when you know you've put on weight and it's due to comfort eating because you are feeling low. Try not to take it to heart. She was wrong to say anything.

Herecomestreble1 · 16/08/2022 11:55

I can't believe people still think this is an ok thing to ask. She shouldn't have said anything to you and it's really, really shitty that she did. You and your body are your business, she shouldn't have put you on the spot like that. So sorry this happened.

Hopeandlove · 16/08/2022 12:03

Log with HR totally unacceptable

I had an employee disappear for a number of hospital appointments and scans and I never asked what for - only I’m here if you need me, of course about scans and if you need more time or help and support. Please tell me. Once she was vomiting in the sink and I just covered her work and told her that her work was covered, got her some ice water and asked if she needed a lift home, hospital or needed anything.
She told me the next day she was pregnant, I said congratulations, what do you need from me practically, or for support. I advised her to let HR know and she did. I did a risk assessment etc but I told no one it was her news.

I once announced a pregnancy at work at 12 weeks only to lose the baby shortly after. My boss at the time said ‘gosh I know you lost the baby but you’ve lost so much weight you just look fabulous’ I mean what the fuck?

hr all the way and point out how awful it was

Original poster
Soembarassed111 · 16/08/2022 12:09

You sound lovely to work with @Hopeandlove. What was your boss thinking though?! That’s awful!

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 16/08/2022 12:32

Unless you’ve somehow managed to only put weight on on your belly and no where else then I very much doubt she thinks you look pregnant.

Sounds more like she overheard someone was pregnant, knows you were trying to and noticed you putting on a bit of weight and then she put 2 and 2 together.

SalviaOfficinalis · 16/08/2022 12:38

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

That’s really unacceptable.

What did she actually say?

Could she have genuinely got you mixed up with someone else? I think for someone to ask so directly they’d have to be pretty sure that the woman was pregnant. Is there anyone else who’s announced a pregnancy recently?

MadonnasKebab · 16/08/2022 12:50

I’d pop my head round their office every now and then and update them that I still wasn’t pregnant, still just fat

memyselfi · 16/08/2022 13:11

Bloody hell , what on earth was she thinking ?

Viviennemary · 16/08/2022 13:16

I would guess its possible she heard you were pregnsnt. But still out of order to have asked you directly. Or may have got you confused with somebody else

Mississipi71 · 16/08/2022 13:16

DysmalRadius · 16/08/2022 10:44

That's fucking outrageous and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this shit. How dare she ask you that?!?? I'd be horrified if a friend asked let alone a manager!

Absolutely this.

PixieLaLa · 16/08/2022 13:17

That is so rude and unprofessional, sorry OP Flowers

justhereforthecraic · 16/08/2022 13:18

@Soembarassed111
im so so sorry that this has happened. It says more about your line manager than it does about you. With all the emotions of a pregnancy loss and fertility issues, its such an awful thing to have to deal with.
I had a similar experience where my ex-manager asked me if I was pregnant in front of 2 other colleagues. Not only did she embarrass me but she preceded to rub my belly. Yes I know!!

I just stood back in shock and told her that it was just too much food. I walked away trying to fight tears until I got back into my car. I went back to my office and typed up what I wanted to say in an email to her but i couldn't send it. She knew i had had a miscarriage previous and im currently doing IVF. She lost all my respect that day and im glad she is no longer my manager. I regret not saying more but I was too gob smacked and upset.

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