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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To need to speak to my MIL about this?

45 replies

MolliciousIntent · 16/08/2022 10:08

Want to preface this with saying that I love my MIL, she's a kind and caring woman and an excellent grandmother. But she's incredibly sensitive and very difficult to talk to about anything that could be interpreted as criticism.

Our nearly 3yr DD is in a particularly wilful phase at the moment, there is a lot of shouting "NO" very loudly, and she is somehow simultaneously incredibly clingy to me while also wanting anyone and everyone else. Think clinging to her friends mum's at playdates and losing her shit if I come near her, but also losing her shit if I leave the room. Honestly, it's been pretty upsetting, but I've been trying incredibly hard to keep it all bright and breezy and keep my feelings about it to myself. DD is also very sensitive and gets very upset if she thinks she's done something wrong, so while I try to correct the yelling and hitting, I don't bring my emotions into it, because when I do DD gets really upset and feels whatever toddler version of guilt and shame, and it lasts for hours and I really, really do not want that for her.

Enter MIL. We're there for a few days. DD's behaviour has actually been really good, but she is all about Nana all the time and it's been quite hard for me to basically be told to get fucked by my toddler 24/7. But hey, that's life.

The issue is, every time DD does this, Nana tells her that she's upset mummy and hurt mummy's feelings, that mummy is sad now, and that she has to go and tell me that she's sorry. DD then feels really bad and withdraws and I honestly can't stand it. If she shouts at me and hits me, she gets told of for doing that. But I'm not comfortable with telling her off for wanting Nana to do her hair instead of mummy. Yes it hurts my feelings, but that's a me problem! I want her to feel comfortable expressing her preferences and boundaries, I want her to learn to do it politely and to understand that sometimes needs must, but I don't want her to feel bad for doing it!

MIL has a habit of turning everything into a guilt trip, with everyone, but I can see how much it upsets DD and I really don't know how to phrase it so that she stops. Nor does DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 16/08/2022 10:59

DH mentioned to MIL that I'm finding it hard at the moment that DD has such a huge reaction to me, and now every single time DD asks her Nana to do something for her, Nana says "you should ask Mummy, otherwise she'll be sad". So far I've been dealing with it in the moment by saying something like "ah Nana it's OK, I'm not sad, I love watching you and DD having a lovely time" because DD is right there, and I can see the worry on her little face, and the impending tantrum, but I really think there needs to be a big picture conversation with MIL about this. No idea how to do that without her getting super upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 16/08/2022 11:14

Anyone have any ideas?

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 16/08/2022 11:22

Could you take some of the emotion and sensitivity about feelings out of it:

Nanna we are here to have a lovely time and for you to have time with GC. We love that she wants to do things with you instead of Mummy and Daddy, it shows you have a special bond. Please don't say her doing this makes Mummy sad as it really doesn't.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 16/08/2022 11:25

"MIL, I'm not comfortable with telling her off for wanting Nana to do her hair instead of mummy. I want her to feel comfortable expressing her preferences and boundaries, I want her to learn to do it politely and to understand that sometimes needs must, but I don't want her to feel bad for doing it."

There you go.

TulipsTwoLips · 16/08/2022 11:26

Could you try to turn it into a positive to MIL that DD is wanting nana for everything at the moment, and that it is giving you and DH a bit of a rest?

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 16/08/2022 11:29

AnnaMagnani · 16/08/2022 11:22

Could you take some of the emotion and sensitivity about feelings out of it:

Nanna we are here to have a lovely time and for you to have time with GC. We love that she wants to do things with you instead of Mummy and Daddy, it shows you have a special bond. Please don't say her doing this makes Mummy sad as it really doesn't.

This would work, but she does it about everything.

DD doesn't want to finish her dinner, that makes Nana really sad because she made it specially. DD doesn't fancy doing the arts and crafts activity set up, that hurts Nana's feelings, etc etc etc.

I don't have an issue with her trying to persuade DD to eat a bit more, or to do some drawing etc, but the emotional blackmail is not good.

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 16/08/2022 11:30

You are projecting your daughter's behaviour onto your MIL and she is getting the blame for trying to help.
Talk to her. She is an adult and will understand. Have something set in place that does not offend you.
You sound like bloody hard work OP.
We have been through some bad stages with my grandson and his behaviour has been off the scale many times but we have always communicated.
I think your MIL sounds like a nice lady trying to make a bad situation better.

Chamomileteaplease · 16/08/2022 11:32

First of all I would say, who is most important in this scenario - your MIL or dd? Your DD of course! So never mind if MIL is upset - it doesn't matter!!

Your DD matters.

So yes, speak to MIL, just ask her calmly not to say those things to dd as you know she is trying to help but you think it is too upsetting for dd so please could she stop.

If you don't make it a big deal, hopefully MIL won't get too upset.

But even if she does, you must tell yourself, it's DD who is important here.

Go, be strong 😄.

AnnaMagnani · 16/08/2022 11:33

Oh dear, it sounds like this is just the sort of parent she is. Together with being 'sensitive' and crying when anyone pulls her up on it.

Maybe start by picking your battles and just focus on one behaviour she does it for?

And maybe have a rethink on how kind, caring and excellent she is as a grandmother. An excellent grandmother doesn't spend all her time guilt tripping the grandchildren.

She has found a brilliant way to be perceived as amazing while never having any criticism, or just feedback.

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 16/08/2022 11:36

lisavanderpumpscloset · 16/08/2022 11:25

"MIL, I'm not comfortable with telling her off for wanting Nana to do her hair instead of mummy. I want her to feel comfortable expressing her preferences and boundaries, I want her to learn to do it politely and to understand that sometimes needs must, but I don't want her to feel bad for doing it."

There you go.

Perfect. Obviously can't see the wood for the trees right now.

If she gets upset she gets upset, I suppose.

OP posts:
Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 16/08/2022 11:39

I would wait til an 'incident' you can use as an example happens and then say something like 'oh gosh we're having this a lot with DD atm MIL, DH and I have found (insert your preferred handling of the situation) works best to save any upset if you want to give that a go next time?' Frame it as giving her tools to help rather than criticism and wanting everyone to be on the same page so DD doesn't get confused by different approaches. Definitely go at it from the perspective of enlisting her help though, hopefully she'll quickly see that it makes for a more harmonious visit and get on board.

queenMab99 · 16/08/2022 11:53

How old is mil ? could she be finding it rather tiring to keep having to do things with your dd, and be trying to have a break, so rather than saying no I just want to sit here with my cup of tea in peace, she is trying to pass it back to you?

Player001 · 16/08/2022 11:53

It seems like DD has inherited her sensitivity from her DGM. I'm not sure what the solution is but perhaps remembering how similar they are might help?

sonjadog · 16/08/2022 12:02

Could you approach this as something you are going to work on a strategy for together? So say what qualities you would like your daughter to develop and discuss how you and MiL can work together to help her develop them. That might be better than framing it as a criticism of what she is doing now. It sounds like she is trying to help, but just not in a way that you want. I reckon you could steer the conversation in a direction that would largely avoid her feeling criticized.

Arbesque · 16/08/2022 12:16

Chamomileteaplease · 16/08/2022 11:32

First of all I would say, who is most important in this scenario - your MIL or dd? Your DD of course! So never mind if MIL is upset - it doesn't matter!!

Your DD matters.

So yes, speak to MIL, just ask her calmly not to say those things to dd as you know she is trying to help but you think it is too upsetting for dd so please could she stop.

If you don't make it a big deal, hopefully MIL won't get too upset.

But even if she does, you must tell yourself, it's DD who is important here.

Go, be strong 😄.

What a horrible post. Both feelings are important.

Kneedles · 16/08/2022 12:31

queenMab99 · 16/08/2022 11:53

How old is mil ? could she be finding it rather tiring to keep having to do things with your dd, and be trying to have a break, so rather than saying no I just want to sit here with my cup of tea in peace, she is trying to pass it back to you?

As a sometimes frazzled grandmother, I too suspect it might be this.

JustMarriedBecca · 16/08/2022 12:35

I also agree with your MILs message actually. You might be trying to assist her establishing boundaries and expressing her preferences but as someone who has a child who never thinks of others' feelings at school and struggles socially as a result, encouraging her to think of others feelings is really important.

I think a combination of thinking of others and expressing her own preferences is key.

Rowen32 · 16/08/2022 12:53

Oh gosh that's the one thing you're not meant to do, make your child in any way feel responsible for your feelings! Maybe you could say 'actually mil it's recommended now to do this rather than bring the grownups feelings into it, can we all give it a try please' :-)

shazzybazzy34 · 16/08/2022 12:53

JustMarriedBecca · 16/08/2022 12:35

I also agree with your MILs message actually. You might be trying to assist her establishing boundaries and expressing her preferences but as someone who has a child who never thinks of others' feelings at school and struggles socially as a result, encouraging her to think of others feelings is really important.

I think a combination of thinking of others and expressing her own preferences is key.

Absolutely this.

Mumspair1 · 16/08/2022 12:57

blockpavingismynightmare · 16/08/2022 11:30

You are projecting your daughter's behaviour onto your MIL and she is getting the blame for trying to help.
Talk to her. She is an adult and will understand. Have something set in place that does not offend you.
You sound like bloody hard work OP.
We have been through some bad stages with my grandson and his behaviour has been off the scale many times but we have always communicated.
I think your MIL sounds like a nice lady trying to make a bad situation better.

I agree with this. You do need some boundaries with your dd. It seems like she has none. What is the issue with letting her know she has hurt someone's feelings? She needs to know that in order to really understand how to stop doing it. You seem to be smothering her a bit and other people feel the need to step in. She is throwing tantrums and you are allowing her to take the lead, you need to be much firmer.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/08/2022 13:05

Sorry but I don't get this. You want to encourage your DD to express her 'boundaries and preferences' but in a bubble where nobody is allowed to feel anything in response. Isn't that how snowflakes are created.

StClare101 · 16/08/2022 13:07

Why can’t a three year old know she’s hurt someone’s feelings? Sure fire way to raise a sociopath otherwise.

Also I suspect what Nana actually wants is a break. Take your child out for a walk or to the park. Letting a three year old dictate what happens is ridiculous. She knows exactly what she’s doing and wants to get a ride out of you.

Mumspair1 · 16/08/2022 13:13

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 16/08/2022 13:05

Sorry but I don't get this. You want to encourage your DD to express her 'boundaries and preferences' but in a bubble where nobody is allowed to feel anything in response. Isn't that how snowflakes are created.

I also don't understand how she is meant to learn that her actions can hurt people's feelings without having being told so. Op you are doing her a great disservice with your current parenting style. Your mil is completely not in the wrong here.

Bonheurdupasse · 16/08/2022 13:15

StClare101 · 16/08/2022 13:07

Why can’t a three year old know she’s hurt someone’s feelings? Sure fire way to raise a sociopath otherwise.

Also I suspect what Nana actually wants is a break. Take your child out for a walk or to the park. Letting a three year old dictate what happens is ridiculous. She knows exactly what she’s doing and wants to get a ride out of you.

This OP

BackToGoingOnHoliday · 16/08/2022 13:24

What has been your own experience of parenting? Ie - your parents - did they make you feel guilty for expressing preferences?

sometimes we go too far the other way in our own parenting, trying to do it a different way to our parents. Then we just make different mistakes.

Other posters are right - your DD will not be three forever. If she learns to behave like this now - imagine her doing it at 16. You’re not necessarily doing her any favours by being too understanding and accommodating

One thing about grandparents is they’ve now seen the whole age spectrum of bringing up a person. They may well make mistakes too, but they do have a wealth of experience too