WIBU for staying out?

[Butterflywashbag]

Last night I went out for dinner and a show in our closest city (40 minute drive away) with some friends I only see a few times a year. I left baby DS (5 months) with DH for approximately 5 hours. The show was booked befofe DS was even conceived so I was really looking forward to it.
I arranged for DD to sleep out so DH would only have to deal with DS. Expressed 2 bottles for the fridge and had 3 other bottles ready to go. DS has been left 3 evenings with my mum, sis and DH's sis so this wasn't the first time. He's always taken a bot quite happily in the past.

While I was at the restaurant he told me there was an ant infestation and he had to pull up all the carpets. Before we went into the show I got a text saying DS is being a grump. At the intermission he had text me saying that DS wouldn't stop whinging. That they were running out of bottles and sent a photo of DS crying. I called and told him to steralise the bottles in tbe dishwasher and that there was lots of frozen milk that could be used. He was obviously grumpy with me. If I had left then my sister would have had to come with me as we shared my car or taken the bus home (if the show finished before the last bus).
I stayed and watched the second half. Which I did enjoy but at the same time I was willing it away to get home to DS. When I got home DH was moody with me and said I hadn't communicated well? I had left my phone in the backseat of my car on the drive home but my car is old I would have had to have spoken on the handset anyway which isn't very safe. DS was grizziling in his cot. He had a big feed and slept through.

Aibu in thinking that DH shouldn't have text me when there was nothing I could do from that distance? Or should I have cut my losses and come home early for DS?

Perhaps when he's at work you should text him about every problem that arises.

Does he often do this when you go out (DH, i mean, not DS)? Does he constantly bombard you with messages, spoiling you evening and making sure you're thinking about HIM rather than enjoying yourself?

Its a bit wet when a grown man can't look after his own son for a few hours on his own. In fact, its pathetic.

He sent you a picture of your son crying?! That’s so manipulative and nasty. YANBU.

And had he taken up all the carpets? Don't they sell ant powder in your town?

Assuming your husband is father to both your children, how involved is he in their lives usually?

YANBU, when DH is looking after DD he deals with everything himself. He might text me a photo of her doing something cute but would only let me know of a problem in a genuine emergency.

Next time you go out turn your phone off! He's trying to guilt you because he can't be arsed to look after his own child.

Why the fuck would he pull up all the carpets for an ant infestation? What did he expect you to do about that from the theatre?

Urgh, that kind of behaviour would really give me the ick.

A sudden ant infestation that needed the carpets taken up IMMEDIATELY?

You need to make it clear this bollocks isn’t ok.

My DH has been perfectly capable of looking after the children from day 1. He did all of the stuff I did and shared nights even though he was working.

AND both of our children have autism.

Next time, just turn your phone off completely - sorted!

Your husband is a selfish prick. He was purposely trying to ruin your evening.

He’s punishing you for going out. Very unattractive.

Why was he incapable of looking after both of his children alone?

He was clearly being a dick because you'd had the audacity to go out.

You need to nip that in the bud right now

Go out at the weekend all day, leave him with both kids and switch your phone off

Yup your DH needs to grow up

Lazy and manipulative. He needs to get a grip and care for his own children. I'm guessing he's the type to say he was babysitting so you could go out.
Presumably he gets to go out and not be bombarded with this kind of bullshit?

You did absolutely the right thing staying out.

My DH has been perfectly capable of caring for our dc since they were born, the only thing we do before making plans to go out is check it doesn't conflict with anything for each other. We might say 'they've been whingey/feral' but there's no expectation of needing to come home unless it's illness and the absent parent can do something practical by coming home.

This pissed me off just reading it !

I would find his helplessness so unattractive. He obviously needs more time looking after DD on his own to practise his parenting skills. What would happen if you were suddenly taken into hospital?

Does he often ruin your evenings out?
I wouldn't have rushed home, you did the right thing as long as you knew DS was safe with your husband.

Manipulative, mean and done only to ensure you had a shit night.

Why was your 3yo elsewhere? Why has you 5mo spent an evening with your mum / Sis / SIL and not your "D" H?

You did nothing wrong. He’s manipulative & very controlling by the sounds of it. A loving partner would never send those messages & especially take a photo of a crying baby. He should have been doing everything he could to make sure you were able to relax & enjoy your evening. Not try to spoil it like a spiteful nasty person.

Good lord - men like him are behind the whole babysitting dad vs dads don't babysit, they parent debate.

He's your children's dad - he ought to be able to manage a night in alone with them without you to run to for help.

As a pp said, I'd text him or ring him when you're alone with them and have a 'problem' and see how he feels.

Seriously though, I do think you need to sit and have a chat about things - you're not in charge with him helping you out (when everything is going well). He's jointly responsible for these 2 little humans. You support each other and that includes supporting each other to have some free time.

YANBU

But what your DH was communicating to you was that he can't cope looking after the baby. It seems he needs more practice.

He was trying to ruin the evening so you won’t go again. That’s horribly selfish and manipulative.

You have to make sure you go out more often to nip this in the bud. Obviously speak to him about how unacceptable you find it, but don’t be deterred from expecting him to be a parent.

What a decent person would do would be to tell you “oh yes everything is fine” even if DS was settling well, so you could relax and enjoy yourself.

Very well done for not leaving early though. If you’d done that he’d definitely do it again.

Also he should have been quite capable of caring for both children without fuss.

I have replied on the basis that you generally like this man and he's not a selfish deadbeat.

For your baby's sake I would sit with him and watch some how to settle a baby under one videos on you tube. He didn't know how to settle your baby and whilst you did the right thing, I wouldn't just ignore his (emotionally unintelligent) attempts to communicate with you that he couldn't cope.

he definitely needs more practice - once a month at the very least.

Also like the idea that you bombard him with texts all day about DS and things that don't need seeing to immediately

Hes trying to make you feel guilty, don't fall for it!