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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU for staying out?

60 replies

Butterflywashbag · 16/08/2022 09:27

Last night I went out for dinner and a show in our closest city (40 minute drive away) with some friends I only see a few times a year. I left baby DS (5 months) with DH for approximately 5 hours. The show was booked befofe DS was even conceived so I was really looking forward to it.
I arranged for DD to sleep out so DH would only have to deal with DS. Expressed 2 bottles for the fridge and had 3 other bottles ready to go. DS has been left 3 evenings with my mum, sis and DH's sis so this wasn't the first time. He's always taken a bot quite happily in the past.

While I was at the restaurant he told me there was an ant infestation and he had to pull up all the carpets. Before we went into the show I got a text saying DS is being a grump. At the intermission he had text me saying that DS wouldn't stop whinging. That they were running out of bottles and sent a photo of DS crying. I called and told him to steralise the bottles in tbe dishwasher and that there was lots of frozen milk that could be used. He was obviously grumpy with me. If I had left then my sister would have had to come with me as we shared my car or taken the bus home (if the show finished before the last bus).
I stayed and watched the second half. Which I did enjoy but at the same time I was willing it away to get home to DS. When I got home DH was moody with me and said I hadn't communicated well? I had left my phone in the backseat of my car on the drive home but my car is old I would have had to have spoken on the handset anyway which isn't very safe. DS was grizziling in his cot. He had a big feed and slept through.

Aibu in thinking that DH shouldn't have text me when there was nothing I could do from that distance? Or should I have cut my losses and come home early for DS?

OP posts:
diddl · 16/08/2022 10:28

How the hell did fathers cope pre mobile phone?

I'm guessing that the women with an incompetent/manipulative twat like the Op's didn't even make it out the door.

He didn't even have both of his kids-how did it even occur to you to send one away to make it easier?

MangoBiscuit · 16/08/2022 10:32

Is he incapable of being an adult if you're not holding his hand? Or is it that he just assumes you're default parent and should be the one to deal with everything the second it stops being easy?

He either needs to step up, or grow up.

SalmonEile · 16/08/2022 10:35

Manipulative and shitty behavior on his part

ednatheevilwitch · 16/08/2022 10:37

He clearly does not want to look after his own child and has made sure you know how unhappy he is about it! Does he expect you to be grateful and never go out again. Yuck how unattractive!!

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 10:38

There's no reason he couldn't have coped with both children. He's an absolute twat, isn't he?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/08/2022 10:41

You didnt communicate well? Wtf, of course you didn't, you were watching a show and driving, how the fuck are you supposed to communicate well!?

He is being a dick, not wanting to look after his child for a few hours. Yes its shit when they are grizzly, and yes it can make you grumpy, but it's not ok to take that out on someone who is having a very rare break, as it means it's not a break. How would he feel if you were texting him like that all day when he was at work, accusing him of 'not communicating well' when he was commuting or in meetings?

It is clearly designed to stop you wanting to go out again. I'd take the opposite approach though and tell him that he obviously needs more practice if he found it hard and clearly your son needs to get more used to your husband looking after him so it's probably best if you go out weekly from now on

Hotandbothereds · 16/08/2022 10:48

Of course yanbu, why on earth couldn’t he have both his children for an evening? I assume you have both kids regularly.

He needs to get a grip, plan another night out asap because he clearly needs the practice.

Completely unacceptable that he was so incapable and tried to ruin your night, I’d be livid, he should be embarrassed that he couldn’t look after his own baby for a few hours.

mamas12 · 16/08/2022 10:49

Img this takes me back exdh used to do this he even used to phone the pub where I had a pta meeting to ask stupid questions like where did I put the whisk etc
awful guilt feeling he’s made you have was designed on purpose to stop you going out
you need to sit him down and tell him you thought it unfair and controlling and he needs to stop that behaviour right now and prove he can be a real man and take care of of family or you are leaving because if he doesn’t stop it’ll get worse

2020nymph · 16/08/2022 10:55

LynetteScavo · 16/08/2022 10:11

YANBU

But what your DH was communicating to you was that he can't cope looking after the baby. It seems he needs more practice.

100% this.

You did nothing wrong.

First time I went out I was gone for an hour and a half and DH phoned me six times. I was livid and told him so and that if he couldn't handle it it was because he needed more practice.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 16/08/2022 10:56

2020nymph · 16/08/2022 10:55

100% this.

You did nothing wrong.

First time I went out I was gone for an hour and a half and DH phoned me six times. I was livid and told him so and that if he couldn't handle it it was because he needed more practice.

Show quote history

exactly he need one night a week to practice till he doesn't need "communication"

Mississipi71 · 16/08/2022 10:58

As you can see by the voting, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You deserved your night out. He is a typical bloke, making a mountain out of an ant hill x

PeekAtYou · 16/08/2022 10:59

He needs to practice this more often. With both kids so that he can act like a parent that he chose to be (twice!) .

He should only have texted if he needed you to bring something home from the shops or he'd gone to A&E. He's a dick sending the photo and trying to ruin your time off.

MerlinsButler · 16/08/2022 11:05

Suggest next time you go out you either a) put phone on do not disturb and tell him if it's an actual emergency to ring or b) only respond with vague platitudes. Do not engage. Suggest you try any rotation of. Mmm - babies do that, oh dear and suck it up - buttercup!

He sounds pathetic.

PinkArt · 16/08/2022 11:08

The only 'cutting my losses' I'd be doing in this situation is with the 'D'H. Isn't he embarrassed by his behaviour? The ants story is the kind of nonsense a seven year old would make up to get out of something they don't want to do!
I'd be having a serious conversation with him about what he was actually bringing to his wife and his kids lives. For me he'd need to step up or ship out. He wasnt deemed competent enough to care for both of his children at once for a few hours?! The one he was left with for a few hours lead him to spectacular weaponised incompetence?! And then he had the audacity to blame it on your communication skills.

Hankunamatata · 16/08/2022 11:11

Well he was a total ass. I wouldn't have expected any communication from dh unless it was extreme emergency.

10HailMarys · 16/08/2022 11:12

Of course you shouldn't have gone home early! Your DH should be able to look after his own baby without your help. Your DH is a giant twat. Sending you a photo of DS crying? Jeez, what a prick.

Also, of course you couldn't communicate much. You were at the theatre, FFS. What was he expecting, a FaceTime call from the Dress Circle? Wanker.

newbiename · 16/08/2022 11:17

Agree, he was trying to ruin your night so you don't have the cheek to go out again.

NiqueNique · 16/08/2022 11:18

What a manipulative, man child, strategically incompetent, pathetic specimen of a father and useless, unsupportive husband.

He clearly needs a LOT of practice since he finds looking after his own child such an overwhelming task. Make this a weekly/bi-monthly/monthly (whatever is feasible for your situation) thing for the foreseeable future until he can grow up and step up.

Seriously. He behaved like an utter twat and you did exactly the right thing in staying out.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 16/08/2022 11:24

He's setting out his stall so you toe the line, you don't go out again and leave him with the baby. (His bloody baby too!)
I think you need to make sure he gets more experience at it and go out Saturday night too.

brianixon · 16/08/2022 11:25

OK lighthearted reply.
Part of my pride in being a man is managing and coping with any situation that I encounter in ordinary life.
NOT whining and pleading for help as soon as things go slightly wrong.

Seriously; him sending that pic of crying baby is manipulative and could be calculated to hurt you.

mast0650 · 16/08/2022 11:27

Your DH should be able to look after your DS for the evening without bothering you! Bar some disaster of course. He is being ridiculous (or worse). Definitely make sure he gets more practice and gets used to it!

WeSent500Ravens · 16/08/2022 11:33

Controlling and incredibly manipulative.

What does he bring to the party? I couldn't cope with a man like that but I have a low bar for bullshit.

NiqueNique · 16/08/2022 11:39

Also next time he should really just look after both of his children. It’s not too much for millions of fathers and mothers around the world and if he’s even halfway intelligent then he’s perfectly capable of doing it too. Your enabling his apparent helplessness is really not going to do him or you or your children any good in the long term. Do you send one of your children away whenever he goes out in the evening, or do you just get on with it?

SmileyClare · 16/08/2022 11:42

Your baby drank 5 bottles in 4 hours and dh said he needed more?

What was he doing? Tipping the milk over his head? Confused

This deliberate incompetence needs to be ignored. Do Not Apologise!

bigbluebus · 16/08/2022 11:51

You definitely need to have words with your DH about what being a dad involves as he really doesn't seem to get it.
No way should you have considered going home early. He knew you'd gone to an event that lasted xx hours so should not have contacted you during this time unless there was an emergency.
Clearly he needs more practice at looking after his DCs both whilst you are around and whilst you have time to yourself to build his confidence.