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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How should we split the house?

49 replies

hidingintheloo · 16/08/2022 02:00

First time poster here, long time lurker.

I’m going through a divorce with my stbx husband. Our marriage ended with me cheating, it’s a long complicated story where we were actually in an open relationship sexually and I got feelings and thought the grass would be greener (it wasn’t).

We are amicable now in regards to the children etc but can’t agree on how to split the house. He is currently living there but will be moving out soon and I live in rented with the kids. When he moves out he thinks we should pay 50:50 for the mortgage until the house is sold. This would be fine however he thinks I don’t ‘deserve’ anything as I never paid in during our marriage, this was mainly as I was raising our children (as agreed by us both at the time). He guilted me into agreeing to 25% equity and pay 50% of the mortgage until the house is sold. All my friends say I am being a mug and just because I cheated doesn’t mean I don’t deserve my half of the house, and that although I didn’t contribute financially I did look after the children and gave them a good start in life by being home with them. He is now kicking off as I agreed one thing but am now changing my mind. I think I should either pay 25% of the mortgage until sold then get 25% of the equity, or pay 50% of the mortgage and get 50% of the equity.

The other issue is during the end of the marriage I took large sums of money out of our joint account (me working part time) to start my own business (with his permission and support) which ultimately didn’t work out. Should I pay him this back now that we are separated and the business was a flop?

I made a huge mistake and have fucked up both his life and mine, but does that mean I should take less money?

AIBU by wanting my fair share despite my cheating?

OP posts:
EntertainingandFactual · 16/08/2022 02:10

Get a divorce lawyer to sort this out for you.
Doesn’t sound like it’s something you can resolve between the two of you.

fallfallfall · 16/08/2022 02:13

What is your current employment situation?
what is the market value of the home? How much was the outlay for the failed business venture.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 16/08/2022 02:26

EntertainingandFactual · 16/08/2022 02:10

Get a divorce lawyer to sort this out for you.
Doesn’t sound like it’s something you can resolve between the two of you.

This.

BloodyCamping · 16/08/2022 02:39

If you’re part time and have been for a long time due to childcare, I suspect you could ask for 65% of the house value. Go see a mediator with him. They will be very used to husbands (like yours) playing a fast one, gaslighting partners into taking less. Besides you’ve still got the kids and as a main carer wouldn’t he want you to provide them with a nice home Hes being very selfish

Quartz2208 · 16/08/2022 02:40

Legal advice you need it

BloodyCamping · 16/08/2022 02:41

Yes do negotiations through professionals. They will rein him in

honeylulu · 16/08/2022 02:48

FGS don't agree to 25%. I'm presuming you'll be the RP and you have to house the children. Plus your allocation should reflect your non financial contribution of raising the children. It should likelier be 60+%, definitely at least 50%. It doesn't matter what you agreed in principle because you felt guilty. Does he really want his own kids to go without just to punish you?

The money for the business is irrelevant now, same as if it has been his enterprise. The split is of what's left.

Get a lawyer as you aren't thinking straight and your ex is not playing fair.

justfiveminutes · 16/08/2022 02:56

This is too complicated - you need proper legal advice.

How long was the marriage? The starting position is 50/50 of all assets regardless of the fact that you didn't contribute as much financially but there are factors that could affect this. Make an appointment with a family lawyer and he should do the same.

Butterfly44 · 16/08/2022 04:03

You need Legal advice not mumsnet advice.

Original poster
hidingintheloo · 16/08/2022 10:10

Thanks for your comments. We are in the process of getting legal advice, my issue is that my ex continues to guilt me into thinking my stance is in his words ‘morally wrong’. He thinks just because legally I am entitled to half, I shouldn’t take it because I’ve been such a bad person. So it’s good to hear that people think it doesn’t really matter what happened.

OP posts:
Threelittlelambs · 16/08/2022 10:14

I agree it doesn’t matter what the circumstances are/were. Marriage is a legal commitment as is buying a property.

This is why you need to get a good lawyer who has no feelings towards the situation.

I agree you’ll be getting more that 50%

how long has the house been in the market? How is he expecting you to pay 50% of the mortgage and house/fees his children?

Aprilx · 16/08/2022 10:16

I came onto the thread thinking I might be able to help coming up with an equitable split, but only if you were a couple, no kids. Don’t engage with your soon to be ex anymore. Also stop thinking in terms of paying 25% mortgage for six months (or whatever) means 25% equity is fair, it isn’t as simple as that and mortgage and house are not the same thing.

You are not going to resolve this amicably, that is clear from your post, so don’t try, another vote for legal advice. Behaviours during marriage have no bearing on split of assets.

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 10:21

Just get a lawyer to deal with the conversations.
Have you had pensions valued yet?
50:50 is fair. You could ask for 60:40

justfiveminutes · 17/08/2022 04:41

I don't think your affair should have any bearing on this whatsoever. You need to get a fair deal to house your children. The only way I could see you coming out with less than 50% is if it was his house when you married and it has been a short marriage. It is good that you are getting legal advice and hopefully you will get good advice and feel reassured after your first meeting. It is a sad situation for all of you.

Ponderingwindow · 17/08/2022 05:00

What you each pay into the mortgage for the next few months is irrelevant.

there Is an amount of money that the two of you will get will the house is sold after the mortgage is paid off. Let’s call that X. There is an amount of money that has to be paid between now and when the house sells. Let’s call that Y. Let’s assume the default 50:50 split to make this easy. You each get x/2 when the house sells. Except we need to account for Y. Suppose he covers all of Y and you pay nothing. Then when the house sells, he gets (x/2 + y) and you get (x/2 - y). So if you each pay a portion of y instead of him paying it all, you just adjust by the total difference in payments. So if you put in 2000 and he puts in 5000 in the coming months, he gets 3000 more when the house sells.

all your assets get split like this. It’s not percentages. You are going to total up the value of everything you own and then metaphorically put it in two piles. The default is that the two piles will be the same size.

do not let him convince you to walk away with a smaller settlement just because an open relationship went poorly. Even if you had an explicit affair, you would still be entitled to the same equitable financial split . The government doesn’t care why your marriage is ending.

BuckarooBanzai · 17/08/2022 05:15

Make sure you do what's best for you now because that will be the best outcome for the children. If he starts trying to guilt trip you just say you are sad things didn't work out between you both but you need to put a roof over your kids heads.

Goldbar · 17/08/2022 06:10

The first question is not who is 'morally' right or wrong but the needs of the children. If you are going to be their main carer and housing them, you owe it to them to get a fair deal to them.

rwalker · 17/08/2022 06:16

Cheating aside he’s going to have to pay rent elsewhere and 50% of the mortgage
your paying 50% of mortgage and getting the benefit of living in the house

if you were renting with the kids chances are you’d pay nothing as you’d be able to get benefits
finically he’s fucked because of the divorce

gogohmm · 17/08/2022 06:38

Get legal advice but based on everything here I would suggest you go for 50%. Yes in some circumstances you can have more but there's complications so far better to ask for what is typically awarded. Unless the kids are very young or there's sn, they will assume you increase to full time

GrumpyPanda · 17/08/2022 06:41

I concur with other posters. Legal advice, definitely. Even split as a starting point. If your earning potential continues to be affected by your taking out time with the kids that should also be reflected in the settlement.

As to the ethics of the situation I suspect he's the one who instigated the open marriage to start with? It's an inherently unstable setup - as a minimum hugely exploitative of the third persons involved, and prone to go bad. I do wonder if he intended it to be primarily for his own benefit..

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 17/08/2022 07:10

Honestly, whether you take 25% or 50% he will treat you with the same disdain. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can do him a favour and he will be decent to you. 50% of the house is your. His feelings on the matter are irrelevant. Get a good lawyer and stop thinking that you have any responsibility towards how he feels about your morally. Get pensions valued too, they are a marginal assert and a divorce settlement should reflect this. Take care.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 17/08/2022 07:11
  • pensions are a Marital asset.
TooHotToTangoToo · 17/08/2022 07:21

He's remaining amicable because he wants what he's not legally entitled to. Stop being guilted by him and only discuss via solicitors, take good legal advice. Being a sahp is you contributing towards the family, just not in money terms. He agreed that remember. He's got a stick because of the cheating and he's using it, don't let him

Longdistance · 17/08/2022 07:25

50/50 is a start off point in divorce. As you have the dc, the majority will go yo you if there is any shift. Get a good lawyer and make sure it’s fair for you and the dc. Forget guilt.
Who’s idea was the open marriage anyway? Has disaster written all over it.

PicaK · 17/08/2022 07:45

Step 1
You made a mistake. You're owning it. Now forgive yourself. You do not have to punish yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Step 2
Put the kids' first. You have to make sure their needs are met. They need to be housed etc.

Step 3
Give yourself and him an equal "fresh start". There's what's in the marital pot (equity/pensions/savings/debt) there's what you/he earn NOW and your potential to earn. No looking backwards.
Look to split so you can both live in equal houses. Might be possible, might not. That will help you think about how to split.
You start at 50:50 and the pendulum swings back and forth between you based on eg the kids' needs and how your earning potential was affected by working pt etc.

Step 4
Make it clear you were not in your right mind when you agreed to 50/50.

Step 5
Negotiate. Remember that going to court will cost c£20-40k in total. The judge will start at 50:50 too. His solicitors will tell him that too.

He has a lot of anger. It may even be worth going to counselling. Let him rant there at 60 quid an hour and both talk about how you'll interact as coparents. It takes the heat out of the situation.

Mediation is £300 plus an hour fyi