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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it my place to acknowledge niece/nephews birthdays etc?

42 replies

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 20:46

DH has a difficult relationship with his family. DH is also autistic (mentioned because I feel this impacts how he interacts with family and the decisions he makes from how he communicates to actually just remembering key birthdays). Part of me wants to just take on the responsibility of sending his nieces and nephews cash etc on their birthdays etc whereas another part of me feels it's not my responsibility.

So AIBU to not send cash/card etc or AINBU by just ignoring?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2022 20:47

They know how he is about these things and it was working, or not, before you got together. Leave it be, you’re fine letting him sort. Always avoid unnecessary wife work.

ShandaLear · 15/08/2022 20:50

Tell him to put the birth dates in his calendar with a reminder 2 days before. Don’t start picking up all the wife work or next thing you know you’ll be doing all the Christmas presents too.

LizzieSiddal · 15/08/2022 20:51

No it isn’t your responsibility but as they are Dc it’s not their fault their Uncle can’t get his act together.

My dh doesn’t remember, so I do for his Neices. I don’t for his mum and dad, brother and aunties/uncles as they’re adults.

tillytown · 15/08/2022 20:52

When you say he doesn't remember key birthdays, do you mean he would send something if he remembered? If so, get him to write their birthdays in his phone and then he won't forgot. But if he doesn't actually care, then leave it, he doesn't need to have a relationship with his family if he doesn't want one

Itsnotthesameasitwas · 15/08/2022 20:53

Do you like the children? Its interesting you say his nieces & nephews.
DH picks up silly gifts and things for my sisters DC as he considers them his nieces and nephew in the same way I see his brothers son as my nephew.

No it’s not your responsibility, as in it isn’t a wife’s job to buy all the cards for her husband’s side of the family, but if he isn’t any good at it and you don’t want them to miss out or for them to be upset about being forgotten then it’s easy enough to stick a card in the post with £10 or whatever in.

user1487194234 · 15/08/2022 20:54

I don’t get involved in presents/cards for my DH’s family and he doesn’t for mine

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 20:55

@LizzieSiddal

I mentioned the autism because I think this contributes to how he thinks and he generally struggles with life admin (I do that). His parents (esp dad) are toxic which also contributes to a very weird dynamic between his mum and dad and his brother. But I actually like the kids, it's not there fault. I have mentioned to DH several times about birthdays etc but he generally gets stressed at the mere mention of his family. So I just thought that in our situation, popping a tenner in a card is simple and doable? It's just for 3 kids.

OP posts:
Christmasiscominghohoho · 15/08/2022 20:55

Depends how many nieces and nephew's he has really… and if you like them.

if you like them and it’s only a couple then I’d just do it and get the money from DH.

if there was 5-6 then I wouldn’t bother.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 20:56

@ShandaLear

I'm thinking of doing the same for xmas too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 20:57

@Itsnotthesameasitwas

Your last sentence is where my head currently is.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 15/08/2022 20:58

Given that you are married, why don’t you feel they are also your nieces and nephews? We only have kids on ‘my side’ of the family and DH usually sorts presents for the nephews as they are into sports stuff that he knows more about. It wouldn’t occur to him to think of them as just my nephews and resent it.

headhurtstoomuch · 15/08/2022 20:59

How does he manage your birthday? Does he have some sort of system to remember?

TheCraicDealer · 15/08/2022 21:00

No I wouldn’t.

If his relationship with his family is so poor that nieces and nephews’ birthdays are triggering (for want of a better term) then it may be best to let it slide and slowly go LC rather than you keep it on life support.

ManateeFair · 15/08/2022 21:01

Were the nieces and nephews around before you met him? If so, they are presumably used to their uncle not bothering with their birthdays. What relationship does he have with them and his family in general? Would you like more of a relationship with them? Do you also have nieces and nephews on your side that you send gifts for?

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here. There’s certainly an argument for saying just leave it to DH because why should you do it when it’s his family, and yes, it’s easy to end up doing, well, everything. But I also think that the best partnerships play to strengths and weaknesses, so if your DH is shit at remembering birthdays and you’re good at it, maybe it makes sense for you to do it, provided that there are other things he is good at and which he does for you.

Sorry, that’s not exactly a definitive answer, is it?! But for me, I’d be OK with that being one of my household tasks provided I wasn’t doing all the tasks and the split of tasks across the marriage was even. If it was just yet another bloody thing I had to do for a man who contributed fuck-all to the marriage, I wouldn’t do it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/08/2022 21:02

Whichever you want to do.

If you aren’t interested don’t, if you are fond of them then do.

SecondhandTable · 15/08/2022 21:02

I only have one niece, it's DH''s side, DH is useless at present/card sorting. I spent years basically doing it all for his side of the family too, then we had DD and I got overwhelmed with all the additional work that first xmas and just thought to myself why on earth was I trying to do all that!? So I made it clear I'm not doing it anymore - but the niece is an exception for me. She's a child and I love her, she deserves gifts and cards and I am happy to sort it for her, I don't want her to miss out. Interestingly her mother is not DH's relative and also basically does all the gift giving for our kids too! We have a good relationship me and her which possibly makes a difference too?

luckylavender · 15/08/2022 21:02

It depends on how your relationship works & what works for you. I've always done it in our relationship because I'm forensically organised (not my words) & I enjoy it. I do it at work too. But at home I'm less keen on putting the bins out, pegging the clothes out & driving.

ReeseWitherfork · 15/08/2022 21:04

I love my nieces and nephews dearly. Even if DH and I split up, I’d be sending them presents etc. So I’d say it depends how you feel about them. But I wouldn’t (and don’t!!) stand for this shit. Women take on far too much of the mental load.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 15/08/2022 21:05

I do this for both sides of the family, because I like to make sure it's done and everyone is treated equally. There's a lot of kids and a lot of comparisons (mainly from the older generation) and me doing it for all the kids helps me to help myself, I just find it easier. I don't see it as 'wife work' and DH more than makes up for it in other ways

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:06

@TheFlis12345

For lots of reasons which is a whole different thread! I'm just not close to them. They have been somewhat ring fenced and attempts on my behalf to promote close as has been interpreted negatively. I have been told they (DH brother and his wife/kids) are private people. Ironically I don't think this is the case at all but reflects a hugely dysfunctional family dynamic with a complete inability to communicate with each other in healthy ways. I've kinda just withdrawn from trying as it's completely outside by realm of responsibility and arguably capability. But fundamentally, there are 3 kids who are just ignored by us - so a card and a tenner is something right?

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 15/08/2022 21:07

I do all the present buying for everyone on both sides of the family in my marriage, but I’ve traded it off for him doing the vast majority of laundry hanging and folding, which I enjoy much less and is much more work over the course of a year! I’d rather do presents, he’d rather fold. It doesn’t matter how you divide all the jobs of life as long as it feels fair to both parties.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:08

@headhurtstoomuch

Tbh he ist that great with my birthday but neither am I with his.

OP posts:
0live · 15/08/2022 21:09

TheCraicDealer · 15/08/2022 21:00

No I wouldn’t.

If his relationship with his family is so poor that nieces and nephews’ birthdays are triggering (for want of a better term) then it may be best to let it slide and slowly go LC rather than you keep it on life support.

I agree. You can’t change him and it’s not your place to “ fix” what you think is broken in his family. Stay well out of it.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:09

@ManateeFair

Thanks for a really considered response.

OP posts:
Mumspair1 · 15/08/2022 21:10

I would just leave it well alone. They seem like difficult people so why bring any of them more into your life than necessary. They are kids, but they still form part of the wider dysfunctional family so no I wouldn't get involved.