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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it my place to acknowledge niece/nephews birthdays etc?

42 replies

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 20:46

DH has a difficult relationship with his family. DH is also autistic (mentioned because I feel this impacts how he interacts with family and the decisions he makes from how he communicates to actually just remembering key birthdays). Part of me wants to just take on the responsibility of sending his nieces and nephews cash etc on their birthdays etc whereas another part of me feels it's not my responsibility.

So AIBU to not send cash/card etc or AINBU by just ignoring?

OP posts:

godmum56 · 15/08/2022 21:11

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 20:55

@LizzieSiddal

I mentioned the autism because I think this contributes to how he thinks and he generally struggles with life admin (I do that). His parents (esp dad) are toxic which also contributes to a very weird dynamic between his mum and dad and his brother. But I actually like the kids, it's not there fault. I have mentioned to DH several times about birthdays etc but he generally gets stressed at the mere mention of his family. So I just thought that in our situation, popping a tenner in a card is simple and doable? It's just for 3 kids.

what would he like you to do and what would be the lest stress for him? You are a team and part of that is helping and supporting each other? If the "its x's birthday shall I send a card?" would stress him how about having a general conversation about life admin and what he'd like you to pick up?

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 15/08/2022 21:12

Why don’t you ask DH if he would like to to take on that role? It might bring him some relief or he might say no.

TheFlis12345 · 15/08/2022 21:13

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:06

@TheFlis12345

For lots of reasons which is a whole different thread! I'm just not close to them. They have been somewhat ring fenced and attempts on my behalf to promote close as has been interpreted negatively. I have been told they (DH brother and his wife/kids) are private people. Ironically I don't think this is the case at all but reflects a hugely dysfunctional family dynamic with a complete inability to communicate with each other in healthy ways. I've kinda just withdrawn from trying as it's completely outside by realm of responsibility and arguably capability. But fundamentally, there are 3 kids who are just ignored by us - so a card and a tenner is something right?

In that case, it’s over to DH. If the family are not interested in supporting you being close to them then you have no reason to remember their birthdays.

Mumontour85 · 15/08/2022 21:14

I'd say I'm mostly in charge of this kind of stuff in our fam 🤷‍♀️ it's easier that way - I stress too much if it's not done and my DH is rubbish at remembering the dates or to actually get and post letters/ cards/ presents! I do tend to send links and ideas to him for 'approval', but I doubt he actually looks that hard at anything I send before he just says yes!
My DH has his strengths and is definitely not useless, this just isn't one of them!

whateveryouwantmetosay · 15/08/2022 21:17

You're married, so these are your nieces and nephews too...just not by blood. Gift the card and some cash....

FinallyHere · 15/08/2022 21:17

How about spending some quiet time together (we set aside time between Christmas and New Year) using Moonpig.com to set up cards. You can delay delivery so they are ready sent out close to the actual birthday.

Bit of a pfaff to set up addresses but one you have done it one year, subsequent years are very easy

Game changer.

WonderingWanda · 15/08/2022 21:17

I do all the present buying because I enjoy it. Dh does the bills and budgeting because I hate it.

Original poster

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 21:17

@TheFlis12345

Ooo this is good insight and a boundary I hadn't yet thought of. Perhaps the very reason why I posted here for opinions. Its a shame it's like it is what it is but at the same time it feels inauthetic somehow? Like how can someone expect presents but don't want closeness? I find it hard to understand.

OP posts:

catandcoffee · 15/08/2022 21:46

In your circumstances I wouldn't send anything. Stop trying to fix your other half's family issues.

I understand you are thinking of the children but I still wouldn't.

luxxlisbon · 15/08/2022 21:48

Part of me wants to just take on the responsibility of sending his nieces and nephews cash etc on their birthdays etc whereas another part of me feels it's not my responsibility.

It isn’t your responsibility so you aren’t obligated to do it but that doesn’t mean you can’t. If you like them and care for them, and it’s something you feel comfortable doing then the kids will appreciate it.

Original poster

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 22:07

@catandcoffee

Big sigh - but very true advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparklybutold · 15/08/2022 22:09

@luxxlisbon
Ah damn it! Then I agree with this!

OP posts:

JustLyra · 15/08/2022 22:10

I think you need to take his lead on this.

I do the birthdays for DH’s side of the family because I love birthdays and he’s away a lit so it’s me that takes our kids to parties etc. However, I have no contact with my family and I’d be furious if he started sending things.

He deals with Christmas for everyone. So we have a deal that works for us both. You need to find what works for you both

Kite22 · 15/08/2022 22:43

I agree with @TheFlis12345 posts.

Initially I was thinking that our nieces and nephews who are the dc of dh's siblings are just as much my nieces and nephews as the dc born to my siblings
but as that isn't the case in his family, and you do not feel part of the family, then I wouldn't get involved and try to 'fix' his family.

If it is purely a forgetting things, you could do as a pp suggested and put a reminder in the calendar about 5 days before each birthday, so he has a prompt to send a card if he wants to / thinks it is the right thing to do. But if he isn't bothered, then that is on him.

0live · 16/08/2022 23:09

They are not your family OP. If you ever split up ( as ? 40% of couples do ), you will soon find out that are nothing to you at all. You won’t see them for dust.

I spent 20 years doing all this for my husbands family. The day he left to be with his affair partner, I never heard from any of them again. And neither did my kids.

Don’t be as stupid as I was.

Kite22 · 16/08/2022 23:20

That means 60 % of couple don't split up ...... (if your guestimate is right)

I also know of families where couples have split and the loving relationship between Aunt and nephews / nieces has continued despite the Aunt being the "in-law"

0live · 17/08/2022 10:10

Kite22 · 16/08/2022 23:20

That means 60 % of couple don't split up ...... (if your guestimate is right)

I also know of families where couples have split and the loving relationship between Aunt and nephews / nieces has continued despite the Aunt being the "in-law"

I just checked, it’s 42% in England and Wales. And no, that doesn’t mean 60% don’t split up. It means 58% don’t get a legal divorce. Some of them will just live apart or even form new families , have kids etc but never get to court for a legal divorce.

And the rate of relationship breakdown is higher in unmarried couples.

That’s lovely if families still stay in contact with their former SIL / aunt etc. But it’s very rare.

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