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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bf not giving me a heads up about something

49 replies

Away77 · 15/08/2022 18:38

My bf and I have been dating for a couple of months. A couple of weeks ago I had a bruise on my upper thigh which he immediately assumed was a hickey. We were not exclusive at the time but it wasn’t a hickey. He has been losing sleep over it, unable to work sometimes, having panic attacks, needing constant reassurance from me to the point where we’ve argued quite a bit over it. He has hammered home the point that he really needs to feel safe and secure and he’s struggling to do that with me because of this. He’s not possessive or controlling in any other way when it comes to men.

Up until about 2 weeks ago he was still in contact with his ex fiance. I wasn’t crazy about the idea idea but I didn’t ask him to cut contact or anything - not my place. We’ve moved together and the place he proposed to his fiancé to is right down the street from us. He has been insisting we go there almost daily, has said it’s his favourite place in the whole world and was upset when I said I didn’t really like it. I didn’t know this until I saw a Facebook memory pop up of the day of their engagement. I’m really upset that he didn’t tell me, it’s something I would have given him a heads up about but I also know sometimes I can overreact so I’d just like an outsiders perspective.

OP posts:
Putonyourshoes · 15/08/2022 18:39

Run.

IncompleteSenten · 15/08/2022 18:40

I'd put good money on him judging you by his own standards.

gamerchick · 15/08/2022 18:40

You're living with him?

After a couple of months, I'd have dumped him for the histrionics alone. Who could be arsed?

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 15/08/2022 18:41

Wait a sec. You've been seeing him a couple of months and you've in together already? He doesn't trust you that the bruise is not a hickey and he's stayed in touch with his ex fiance and wants to take you to the place he proposed to her?

And you're still with him....why?

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2022 18:41

He sounds awful! Have you really moved in together when you’ve only been dating a couple of months?

catsarebetterthanpeople · 15/08/2022 18:42

Too much, too soon.

BakedTattie · 15/08/2022 18:43

This sounds like a complete disaster zone.

ChippyTea16 · 15/08/2022 18:43

Wtf??

sammylady37 · 15/08/2022 18:45

What? You’re only dating a few months, you ‘weren’t exclusive’ a few weeks ago and you’ve moved in with him???

And that’s before we even get to his jealousy and possessiveness?

WTAF?

get out of this shitshow as fast as you can

Pinkflipflop85 · 15/08/2022 18:46

This is made up - right?!

merryhouse · 15/08/2022 18:46

Good god. I hope you're about to explain that this is a student let for your next year of university...

Seriously, what are you thinking?

Oh, and He’s not possessive or controlling in any other way when it comes to men should read he hasn't had time to show any other worrying signs yet.

Constant reassurance because you've got a small unexplained bruise? You realise this will be the rest of your life if you don't leave, don't you?

Away77 · 15/08/2022 18:48

Sorry, we don’t live together. We’ve just moved to the same area as we work for the same organisation.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 15/08/2022 18:48

What the fuck did I just read??

He is controlling you with his emotionally manipulative, double standard, bullshit. Can you really not see that?

You need to move back out. I hope you aren't considering marriage or children.

Unanananana · 15/08/2022 18:49

Away77 · 15/08/2022 18:48

Sorry, we don’t live together. We’ve just moved to the same area as we work for the same organisation.

Thank god. You need to end it before he steps it up.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 15/08/2022 18:51

I voted YABU for putting up with this shit for one second.
panic attacks? Can't work? Ffs, run, don't walk, and never look back! (And when he cries and says he will kill himself if you don't come back, and spend your life paying for everything and walking on eggshells around him ignore him. He's lying)

Sellie555 · 15/08/2022 18:51

You’re a rebound relationship for him im afraid, I’ve been on the receiving end of this a good few times

nothing good comes of it

Blev2022 · 15/08/2022 18:53

I'd agree. If he's already doing things like this two months in what will it be like in 2 years?

Someone can have bad experiences in past relationships but they need to work on them and not bring other experiences into new relationships. It's not your job to be attacked and offer ridiculous levels of reassurance because someone messed him up in the past

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2022 18:53

Run for your fucking life, as far away as you can get. Do you really not see how abusive and creepy this man is?

OhCobblers · 15/08/2022 18:57

Away77 · 15/08/2022 18:48

Sorry, we don’t live together. We’ve just moved to the same area as we work for the same organisation.

Thank fuck for that - I also read it that you'd moved in together.

Dump him NOW.

Describing him as an arsehole doesn't even begin to cover it.

OhCobblers · 15/08/2022 18:58

And OP in the nicest way possible, the fact that you even need ask so soon into this "relationship", means your boundaries need addressing.

ExtraOnion · 15/08/2022 18:58

“Needs to feel safe a secure”

… starting with reassurance that you are telling the truth (as he thinks your a liar)

Next Steps

… needing the check your phone
.. telling you what to wear
… stopping you going out with your friends
…wanting you to account for all your movements

all because he needs to feel “safe”. Nothing you do will satisfy him.

Sowhatp · 15/08/2022 19:00

RUN

Away77 · 15/08/2022 19:03

Gosh okay, I really thought I was just being dramatic. Thanks guys.

OP posts:
DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 15/08/2022 19:14

Just to reiterate everyones very valid points, dump this headworker ASAP.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 15/08/2022 19:17

RUN! Don 't look back.