Ttc and new job?

[Runningonn]

Sorry for double posting, but I posted this before in conception and didn't get much traffic.

Basically, I have wanted to start a family for a long time but never been in the right place and I'm still young. I'm 30 next year and feeling ready now to start ttc. My husband is excited as he's feeling ready too. But would it be unfair to start trying right as I start a new job? (I start my new job in a few weeks). I'd qualify for their mat pay so that's great, but I feel some hesitation to start a new job and then tell them two months later I'm pregnant (hypothetically I could get pregnant straight away, obviously I have no idea how long it could actually take).

Anyway. I'd appreciate everyone's opinions on this. Thanks!

Check the maternity pay thing carefully - it's usually to do with the due date, which is calculated from the first day of your last period. I know in my job it worked out that you needed to have started a period after starting the new job.

If you qualify for a non-statutory maternity pay scheme at that point, they can hardly frown on you for using that. There might never be a good point workwise, and as you say, you can't know how long it will take to conceive. How annoyed they will be may depend on how difficult it's going to be to cover you, but management training should include how to say "congratulations" whilst thinking "what a pain"! They are not allowed to discriminate against you on grounds of maternity, so if they know their stuff they should be very careful not to be seen to do anything which could be construed as discrimination.

You’ve asked for opinions rather than legal/HR advice and mine is that this is perfectly legal but not very ethical. Presumably they’ve gone to the recruitment effort because they need somebody in the post, so there’ll be ramifications for the other workers. This has happened in my team a few times when we were desperate for staff and it was soul destroying as there’s never any money for cover so it meant carrying on as we were for another 9-12 months. If that’s not your situation and there’ll be cover etc then obviously it won’t be an issue as much but you wont know that as you’ve not yet started.

MN will be fully you go girl! about this I expect but I think when you’re literally brand new in a job it’s not really on. Sorry, that’s probably not what you want to hear but you did ask for opinions.

Thank you both for these messages! I appreciate your honesty!! I felt tbh that mumsnet might not be 'you go girl' cos I feel really guilty about the timing and I'm thinking hard about if I should start ttc now or not given my new job. I will definitely be entitled to their occupational mat pay. But it's more like, should I? Is it fair? But at the same time, I'm like, it's my life. Can I really put my life on hold? But I also want my employers to have a good opinion of me, and to be able to be a reliable team member. I feel so conflicted. I could wait till January I suppose. That may be more of an acceptable time?

Meh I’d just go for it but do check you don’t have to have worked there say a year before you get the maternity package

it would be unusual to qualify for it straight away.

I have triple checked their maternity policy!

I got pregnant with my first three months after starting and at the time felt so soon and cheeky. But by the time nine months had passed you've still had time to make an impact.

I started a new job already six months pregnant with my second and was pleasantly surprised to how open they were to taking someone on already so far gone.

Personally, I couldn't. But, plenty of people do and you aren't obliged to tell them until your 20(ish) weeks when you get your MAT form from MW

Unpopular opinion maybe but I think it's really quite a shitty thing to do and it won't make you particularly popular with colleagues or managers

Like you said, you’re still young, so give it 6m in the new job first and see how you fit in and how you’re liking the role. If you want more than one child, there is a lot to be said for working for a good company and having good mat/pat leave, especially if they value you. I’d give it all you have for 6m then evaluate things then, it’s not long in the grand scheme of things.

I got pregnant with my son after 3 months in a job (charity sector) and my manager was lovely about it.

I'd work 6 months then start trying. Get feet under the table, make an impact. But that's just me

I wouldn’t put ttc on hold. If you are lucky enough to get pregnant quickly, you will still be there approx 7 months before maternity leave.

Unfair to who! We all know if you drop dead or are sick and out of work a company will and can replace you in a heartbeat. Why would you put your life on hold. I'm in the unfortunate position of needing fertility treatment so I strongly advise you don't put of off especially not for the reason of "is it fair to my new workplace". It baffles my mind when I see so many take the position of supporting the company over the humans that work their as if they have our best interests at heart.

The onus is on the company not to create a red bus situation where is one person is out the rest of the team is doomed not into the team mates. So saying it's on OP and a shitty thing is unfair in my opinion. It's like when someone is off on May leave and the team complain they have more work because x is off on a jolly on Mat leave. You should be pissed at the company and or your bosses not the person doing normal life things!

Do not put your life on hold take that job and carry on. I took a contract position, they recently asked me to come on permanently and they know I'm going through IVF. They are an extremely understanding company though which is not the norm. Good luck to you and I hope ttc works out for your ASAP.

2 responses:

is your partner worried about the perception of him at work - no? Well not your fault you are the one to be pregnant and you could always share mat/pat leave.

as a manager of a lot if people I would be irritated for a short time as then have to recruit/train another person - but this wouldn’t be personal. Just know your flexibility coming back from mat leave may be far less than a known entity working there a few years.

For one more perspective (anecdata for the win!) here’s a conversation I had a few years ago with my DF, who is the head of a very large organization and is quite passionate about supporting mothers in the workplace (on far more occasions than just this).

DF: crazy day… I had FOUR interviews for the new VP position
Me: wait, didn’t you just hire a new VP?
DF: yes, but she’s pregnant. I need someone who can take over from her in a few months
Me: ouch, that must be frustrating
DF: I mean, the interviewing component is, but I’m very happy in general
Me: are you?
DF: yes, of course! A baby is always lovely news. This is her first, so it’s just so exciting.

She told me she felt terrible leaving us in the lurch, but honestly, this has happened on my teams a number of times before and it doesn’t upset me one bit. What I’ve noticed is that, on the whole, this sort of situation is entirely positive. Ive found that women who come back from Mat Leave having felt fully supported during their pregnancy and leave are happier, more productive, and easier to retain long-term than the average employee, frankly. They have a lot going on at home, so they tend to be ruthless in their prioritization at work, which is a terrific skill. And at least stereotypically, women with young children tend to choose to “stay put” in roles for longer than some of their peers who career-hop every 2-4 years. I’ve seen young mothers build incredible things over the longer tenures they’ve held in their positions - there can be more of a “builder’s mindset” and great long-term thinking.

Mat leave cover is not a giant investment to make for someone who ultimately is likely to be a highly effective long-term employee. A woman who is pregnant now signals to me that she’s planning on being in the role at least long enough to not have to repay her mat Leave top-up, which is not a reassurance I can ever get from the average new employee! And realistically, what difference does it make to me NOW finding cover for her than if she chose to wait a year or two? Arranging cover is arranging cover, any way you cut it. I’ve gone back to a few earlier-round candidates from when I was hiring her. It’s actually rather convenient, in a funny way.

In any event, I obviously didn’t tell her all that, but I could tell her with complete honesty that I was thrilled for her, and not to feel guilty about it for even a second.

I'm about to go on mat leave - I found out I was pregnant 3 months into my job and was terribly concerned as I'd just passed my probation but work couldn't have been lovelier about it! I'm not due our enhanced maternity until I'm 18 months into my role but they are kindly extending it to me anyway. We'd been trying for a year so to fall pregnant as soon as I started was a real surprise.

I've been the one to hire my own replacement and I'm very clear I'll be using my KIT days and will be back after six months on a phased return (I adore my job) - I'm happy, they're happy, it's been such a positive experience and I think that's because everyone has been so honest and happy for me.

You don't know how long it's going to take before you conceive. It might be as well 3-6 months, so it will add up to a year of work before you go on maternity leave. Not too bad, IMO.

I personally wouldn't

I value my career and doing this is never a great start in a new job.

But it depends on the job, for me it took ages for my company to recruit for my role, so to find mat cover would be difficult (so much so they often don't, and take the financial hit when I'm on Mat leave)

But if you're a bog standard administrator or something then I wouldn't feel as bad

I'd echo other posters about checking the mat policy, I've never seen anywhere that doesn't specify a specific time with the business before qualifying for enhanced mat leave.

I find this reply a bit depressing! Firstly, what’s a ‘bog standard administrator’ and why should any woman in any role feel discouraged because of their more senior rank or function? The suggestion that the maternity leave entitlement is only for the unambitious is frankly anti-feminist, in my view. And as for valuing your career, a career is a long number of years, 40+ working years, and a temporary leave of absence is a short time-out in that context. Everybody values their career, in salary terms, pension, standard of living, opportunity, personal fulfilment, etc. It is a short-sighted company that doesn’t see the long term contribution and growth potential of a worker. I enjoyed the post by @UpToMyElbowsInDiapers.

If you’d asked me three years ago I would have said to wait until you’d got your feet under the table, but I’ve had four losses in the last year and a bit. That’s coloured my view now. If you want a baby, all the other stars have aligned and there’s no financial implication re. qualifying period for the mat package I’d just stop using contraception for a bit before actively “trying” in a few months.

I was in a similar position to you, I started a new job, I’ve been there four months and just told them I’m pregnant. I have endometriosis and was advised not to wait to have children by my doctor.

I think if you really want children, it’s something to prioritise as it can take a while or there could be complications. This isn’t to scare you but it’s important to consider.

Everyone at work was really pleased for me. I see it as a long term job so I will make up for my maternity leave.

I found out I was pregnant the day before I started new job (total surprise). I was really ill and couldn’t cover it so I took my new boss into a meeting room and told her it plain and simple. Wasn’t planned but has happened. They were fine with it but it was a junior admin role and they had someone lined up. I actually agree that’s there’s an unethical angle to this. Your choices mean others have to do more so how you broach this is very important. Personally I’d wait a year.

@SarahDippity Really? All I read I’m @UpToMyElbowsInDiapers‘s post is we like mothers of young children because they have low career mobility and therefore we can pay them less & award less pay rises…

Also it’s nonsense that being the parent of young children has transferable skills for the workplace. Utter tripe to tell mothers on a career break that juggling family life shows they are capable prioritisers. Character builder definitely (I became more confident). But you’d need to take specific steps to improve skills whilst on maternity/career break e.g. training, short:online courses or freelance.

MN is rife with the view that mums make better employees simply by virtue of being mums - I’ve seen all sorts of justifications for that including more loyal, more hardworking, better at prioritising, better at getting things done, better at speed. I remember being told on a thread once that employers give maternity benefits because mums are better employees than childless women, as if it was some proven fact and that’s why the benefits exist. It’s an odd place, this.

If you want children you should go for it. I’ve learnt the hard way that companies will always do what is best for them, however much you dedicate yourself. Also that you don’t know how long it will take you to conceive or if you’ll have, I naively assumed recurrent miscarriage wasn’t a thing that would happen to me.