To want a future for “me”

[Flutterbybudget]

I’ve been a mum for 30 years now. I’ve spent 25 of those years, in a marriage, juggling poorly paid jobs around the kids and my husbands career. My children have always come first - hand on heart, before my husband did, which he says contributed to our break up. Since my husband and I split up, I’ve continued to put my kids first. The oldest is nearly 30, but my youngest is only 13, with a few in between, all of whom live with me. I’ve juggled several jobs, sometimes more than one at a time, trying to get one that allowed me to be around mainly for my youngest , as well as allowing me to provide a home for them all.
I landed on my feet a couple of months ago, with the “perfect” job, hour wise (Mon-Friday 9-4), distance (10 minute drive away), and I love it - BUT it’s “dead end”. If I stay, it’s probably a job for life, but the pay is crap and there’s absolutely no chance of promotion there.
I’ve just been “offered” (or at least invited to an “informal chat”) for a managerial role, in the industry that I love. It would mean an immediate pay rise, future prospects and a chance to really do something for “me”. I feel as if this might be my last chance to have that, but my daughter ….🤷‍♀️ It would be shift work.
When I had my children, I knew that they would come first, that I would do anything for them, that I wanted to be that “stay at a home mum” (at least when their dad wasn’t around - I worked late shifts after he got home from his day job) and I genuinely have … but WIBU to grab this chance?
I feel so guilty about even considering it. My older children would have to help out with at least “being at home” late at night (on a rota or something). She wouldn’t have me home during school holidays, or even every day after school. But …. she’s nearly 14. But …. she’s still at an age where she needs a “mum”. But ….I need to consider my own future after all my children leave home. But …. Argggghhhh
Help
My head is spinning
Am I being unreasonably selfish here?

Sorry, I think you're being a bit silly. Of course a 14yo is old enough to be left alone or in the care of older siblings. I don't understand what you feel guilty about? Plenty of single mums have to do this with even younger children.

Youd be daft not to take the job imo.

All your girl needs is a chat over a cup of tea of an evening and a day out once in a while - you’ve got a house full of people who could support you and the 14 year old. You can do this!

Tell her there is an immediate pocket money rise if you've got the job and you won't hear a peep out of her!

I don't really get this. I've been working since my daughter was a baby. Never felt guilty and we get on great, plus I'm financially supporting her, which is the most fundamental thing you can do for someone else. Of course you should take the job. I have no idea why you wouldn't.

Think of the positive example you would be setting your daughter by going for this job - and have an honest discussion with your family about the support you will need. Good luck OP x

Go for the job. Of course you need something for you. And the progression and pay and career building is all important.

Your 14 year old will be fine. I've travelled for work since my kids were 2 and they just get used to it.

Do it and don't look back! Good luck

Do it do it do it! Your children are the perfect age and this opportunity is perfect for you!

Do it!!
Do it!!

I know wheee you’re coming from, it’s difficult to think differently when you’ve always put your Dc before your career. But just go for it, your dd is surrounded by her siblings who will help, tell her all the positives, you’ve been approached for this role, more money, your dream job etc. I expect she’ll be really proud of you!

Go for it. Lots of positives. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Will you let us know if you get the job?

Yes, it's fine. I'm the youngest of 3 and was left with my siblings a lot from age of probably 11-12, it's totally fine, it's not 'neglecting' and your kids are unlikely to mind.

OP it's weird because I'm in a similar dilemma job wise and was thinking about doing a post on it! Been offered a managerial job today, better money and prospects but my DC are very young, DH has a challenging new job and I just feel we aren't in the right place for me to take it. Which is gutting but I need to do what works for us as a family. I just don't know!

In your case though I'd absolutely go for it. I can understand your concerns but agree with others that your DD is at an age where it will be fine. Good luck!

Do it, and honestly for the good of your children as much as you, stop putting them at the centre of your world, especially now at these ages. It only breeds entitlement, I think it's a really important lesson to children to show them how to put themselves first sometimes by seeing you do it.

By 14 many dc have been Latch Key Dc for years.

Needs must and all that.

Very similar shoes here op with adult and school age dc. If a job of that sort came my way I would celebrating not posting on mn asking advice!!
Congratulations!

Of course go for the job. You will get annual leave to spend time with your children. It will revitalise you and bring a brilliant new dimension to all your lives. Your children will be proud of you. Do it please!

I think it sounds great and that your DD will benefit from seeing feminism in action. I don't think it benefits children to see mums at home their whole life - but that's just my opinion. Also, if you're fulfilled in life you'll make a much better happier mum! Good luck 🤞

If it was a 9-5 job, I wouldn’t hesitate, but it’s in hospitality and hours are long and erratic. When I did it a couple of years ago, on a temporary basis, I was working from 10am til at least midnight, often 2am, plus most weekends. I feel like it’s a lot to ask from her, and a lot to expect from her older siblings - as I want them to have their own lives (they didn’t ask for this) and fingers crossed they move out at some point 😂

Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you take the boring job while you apply or retrain for something that will give you prospects and good pay? The hospitality job does sound gruelling.

You are allowed to put yourself first sometimes OP.

I've always done shift work. Look at the positives; a happier mum, more money, prospects, leading by example.

She will still have you.

In a year or 2 she could get a part time job with you!!

A male would take the job

Take the job !

Go for it!

flowersintheattic57
Its my “dream” I suppose, I’ve wanted to run my own place for years. It’s hard work, but I love it. I’d made up my mind that I’d just put it on the back burner - again. (I’ve already turned my back on several opportunities over the last 30 years - walked away from uni when I found out I was pregnant, refused a managerial job because my ex didn’t want me to do it, turned down manager training at the supermarket I worked at etc, for my “family life” - I never wanted my kids to be left in childcare etc, whatever others might choose to do) But on Friday this offer just landed in my lap. And I’m so torn over it,

All your girl needs is a chat over a cup of tea of an evening and a day out once in a while

Have you met any 13-year-old girls? 😂 This is NOT all they need.

OP - I understand your dilemma, especially if your DC have been used to you being there for them all their lives.

I think the only thing you can do is to do a trial for a few months (including once she’s gone back to school) and see how it goes. If you’re miserable and exhausted and don’t feel like you’re supporting them then you haven’t lost anything.